I'm beginning to feel that I'll never be able to find the perfect person for me until I move out of New York. It seems to me like no matter what I do I don't get the attention I want from people that I like. It also seems that the people here are attracted to-to put it rather bluntly-idiocy and stupidity. It's as if the more..gross? you are, the more people want you. Isn't that a bit, say, opposite? as to what people are really supposed to be going after?
What depresses me more is when people, who you think no one would want, would seem to get people faster and more likely then you've ever done in your entire life. I mean people who are, fat, sloppy, ugly, irritating and down right revolting, find it so easy to find mates. Sometimes the person is rather, and is revolting as well, but sometimes the person is actually pretty decent. So I ask myself-what am I doing wrong? I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I mean, I wouldn't say I'm the most attractive thing on the planet yet I don't think I'm entirely hideous looking. I'm smart, funny. I don't think I'm, in any way, irritating. If anything it's everyone else that irritates me. I always help out friends and try to give them advise with problems. In the relationship department I'd say I'm fairly decent. I listen, love, comfort. Always thinking about the other person first, how I can make them happy and what not. I don't ask for much. Little things people do for me excite me. The most littlest things. I ask again, what am I doing wrong? Do people really just want what I stated before? Stupidity and idiocy? Badly-dressed, rude, "dirty" people?
And then I ask myself this simple simple simple: Could it be because I live in New York? Because I live in America? I country filled of disgust and arrogance. Negativeness and ignorance. Living in a country with such people obviously wouldn't make someone expect much of its' citizens. Now let's not get stereo-typical here. Sure, that MIGHT be the majority of the people in this country, but aren't there always some that contradict the main stereotype?
And if so, where are these guardian angels of mine?
If there are some of those people out there, then they certainly aren't where I live. Or I haven't been looking properly, which is to say, a bit unreasonable considering how concerned I am on the matter.
Now, I shouldn't be concluding my idea on the very un-reliable source that I have. But after a few myspace and facebook profiles and some brief internet chatting and exchange of ideas, I've found that people from Europe are, well I'll just say it, FUCKING amazing.
They're all so...genuine. So lovely. Even the way they talk (or type) and their wordings is cute. On top of all that they're extremely polite and interesting, not at all creepy and they do not say awkward things they make it hard to figure out what to reply with. What I personally like about the ones I've talked to is that they always ask "How are you?." I can't explain how much of a lack of that question is in normal American conversation. I think it's due to the fact that everyone here doesn't care about anybody but themselves and couldn't be bothered to even care about the well being of another human being. Another thing I've found about Europeans, is that I find that I can connect to how they feel about certain ideas and feelings and emotions. It's like they're been typing a diary about my OWN life, yet it's about their lives. That feeling is one feeling that I, no matter how "close" I try to come with an American, cannot grasp or feel. I cannot CONNECT with anyone. Connecting is very important to me because I often feel alone all the time, I cannot even express how alone I feel. And connection means that I won't have to be alone. Maybe that's the type of person I should be looking for, someone who feels as alone as I do, so that maybe we can be alone together or make it so that neither one of us can be alone again?
The more I think about it the more I become depressed. Because, as much as I want it to happen, I wouldn't be able to move to England or any other part of Europe again for a longe time. Everything in this world is so difficult to do and too time strenuous. People should just be able to have the money to do whatever they want and then move where ever as long as they can afford it, and that should be the end of it.
So I guess I'm afraid that love for me will have to wait until I get off this rock. Either that or try and strain to find the least bit of life still living on this continent, and take that life and use it as wisely as I can. Kind of like being alone in a house at night with no electricity and try using a candle to light my way from room to room.
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