I've become so cold

Throughout this blog, you will have noticed that I talk very frequently about wanting to be in a relationship and my constant reaching out to people in order to try and be with them. Although this has been an important element in my personality for the last couple of years, I find myself, at this point in time, not wanting to be in a relationship

I never really gave too much thought about it when up until about when someone new was coming into my life. We really are very similar people. We have the same interests and have almost the same exact views on life and people, school and friends, relationships and intelligence. It seems that they are exactly what I was looking for. There was only one problem; I don't want to have a relationship with them.

I don't even want to have a sexual relationship with them. Isn't it strange? How suddenly, out of no where, your wants that you've been having for years start to change. It almost as if BECAUSE they are perfect for me, I don't want to be with them. It's a very strange emotion that I've never before experienced in my entire life. It's almost as if my consciousness is contradicting itself, but for no apparent or logical reason. My wants have completely changed. The things I want now in life have switch to wanting to be a relationship to, not meaning to be blunt, just sleeping around and having just sexual relationships with people. The only things that are on my mind right now are school, moving, career, success and having "fun."

My entire perspective on relationships has changed dramatically. My opinion on them as become harsher and more negative. To me, relationships tie people down and imprison them in their own minds. I don't believe in love, nor do I think it even exists. I feel that life is way to short to attach yourself just to one person and not explore. There are 6 billion people on the planet and you just want to be with one person? This, to me, is highly illogical. I mean, I can see the different perspectives of other individuals who might not agree with me, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that the lifestyle is just not for me. I don't want to be with just one person. I don't want to "fall in love." I don't want to go on emotional roller-coasters that serve no purpose what so ever but to inflect pain and emotion discomfort. I can't even deal with simple emotions. How could I ever deal with "love"? How could I ever deal with wanting someone so badly you go into mental shock? Not to be morbid, but I honestly think I would end up killing myself. I am not a person that can deal with anything to do with emotions. Call me weak, call me whatever you think that means; I simply cannot do it.

Also, I am not ignorant to that fact that love can actually be a good thing. I'm not ignorant that it can bring an incredible amount of happiness and joy. However, I am not the one to take a chance with something so emotional and end up getting hurt. I won't take the chance going through a shit load of assholes just to try and find this unique and rare "love." It's not a quest I want to go on. To me, it's just not worth the emotional turmoil. I'm severely protective over my mental health because it's one of the only things in my life that has value. My mental health along with my morals, standards and career path. I will protect over those things like a lioness over her cub. I don't want you in my head. It's only a place for me and for me only. You have no right to go there or to try to get in without my permission. Although, it's not as if anyone can anyways. My wall is made of brick, steel, concrete and is 10 ft thick. I don't even think an Army Tank can penetrate such a wall.

I know what some of you might be thinking out there. "There's so many people on the planet, you can find someone to love" blahblahblah. I, wholeheartedly, disagree. I feel, deep down in the very center of my entire being, that there is NO ONE out there for me. I have met many people in my life time and almost all of there were frightening easy to read and see through. No, I haven't met everyone on the planet, but the more I talk to people the more I figure out that everyone is the same. Everyone thinks the same way. There is no one like me on this planet at all and I am sure of this with every fiber of my existence. Humans, in this day and age, are well below where they should be in intelligence, morals, standards, opinions and intellect. I feel that I am not like other human beings. In order to understand how I contrast myself with others, I will give you an example. If the world was a painting of the ocean with varies different actions happening within in, say for instance, lost of seagulls catching fish in the water or a fisherman bringing in a net filled with Tuna. If I saw this painting in an art gallery, I would look at the whole painting; the birds, the fish, the boat, the fisherman, the wave crashing on the bow of the ship, the clouds in the sky. I feel that other humans would look at just one thing in the picture, or a couple of things, or look at one thing and the look at something else. I look at things as they are. I look at them as a whole. The good and the bad. The best and the worse. The beautiful and the ugly. Other humans just look at the things they want to look at it because they are not intellectually savvy enough to understand the whole picture. I hope you weren't confused by my example, but it was the best way I could word how I feel about the line drawn between me and other people.

I'm not trying to sound egotistical or sound like I think I'm better than everyone else. I'm just trying to explain my feelings with words, when emotions and feelings can hardly be described in them. My point is this, how can I find anyone to love if I feel so disconnected from everyone else? How am I supposed to find someone to connect with, when everyone seems to be how I stated before? Deluded. Ignorant. Uninterested. It hardly seems possible! It's almost pathetic to even try to find someone, and I will never stoop down to being pathetic. A better word to describe it also would be "desperate", which I had been in the past, but I am not now.

I have a theory as too why I have become so emotional cold and stone. I think that I have gone through so many months and years without affection, love, or even just being important in someone else's life (other than my friends and family). All this time that has gone by has made me loose those wants and emotions to the point where now I can no longer feel. The only thing I really feel right now is sexual frustration (which will be taken cared of as soon as I get home {:). That's about it. I also love my work and my interests of course, those could never leave because they are a big part of who I am. But as I said, I have become emotionally barren. My mind is in the process of desertification and I can't say that I hate it. To be honest, I completely love it. I hate dealing with emotions anyways, so why should emotional numbness make me unhappy? I'm actually the happiest I've ever been in years. I love being happy. I love not being able to feel anything but good. I love stoicism. I love what I've become.

This blog entry might seem a little sad to all of you, and you might even feel sorry for me for not being able to feel anymore. But please, don't. I'm finally more content then I'll ever be living in New York, and I probably will be even more happy and content when I move. I'm at a good place, whether you think so or not. You're not me and don't understand my logic. I'll be surprised if you could understand anything in this entry haha!

Life is good. I'm ok.