Frustration.

I feel so frustrated right now, and I do not know why. This sudden outbreak of sadness and depression reminds me of what happens to me during the summer. I feel exactly like the summer. The insomnia, the sadness and the mopey dopy attitude. What has gotten into me? Why do I have these sudden irritate mood changes? I do not think I'm bipolar, because people who are bipolar usually do not know they are. And, I am self-aware. It has to be something to do with my environment I suppose. But, what could it be? I did not do anything out of the ordinary today, nor did I do something that sparked a bad memory of some sorts. Usually, weird circumstances make me experience mood changes. I hate feeling a certain way but being able to put a finger on what exactly is bothering me. It's almost like if there's a striking pain somewhere like when you get a stubbed toe or something, but I cannot seem to find where the pain is coming from. I'm going to attempt to look deep within and try to explain what I'm feeling in the most comprehensive way I can express.

I feel as though, like always, I'm supposed to be somewhere else right now. It's almost as if I have the feeling of missing out on something grand that is happening at this very moment, but I do not know what it is. I feel like I should not be living here. I feel like I should be out of this area right now living my own life and finally being happy. I get so consumed with hatred for the area of New York that I live in that it almost blinds me. The hatred originates from my heart, flows through my bloodstream, and seeps into every muscle, every nerve, every tissue, every organ, and every limb. It makes me want to shut down forever until the nightmare is over, and I'm finally home free. I get so frustrated and agitated that my nerves act up. I have to get up and walk around. I have to do something to calm myself. It's almost as if I'm having a small panic attack. I seriously doubt that this is healthy in anyway. This emotional state makes me feel like a walking corpse. I feel like I have no insides. No heart, no soul, no mind, and no strength. It's so unlike how my regular personality is. There are officially two Robbies; the normal everyday Robbie, and what's left of Robbie when the rest of him is drained dry by humanity.



People also have been frustrating me beyond belief. Almost everyone gets on my nerves. There is always something wrong with someone. No one is ever the way I wish them to be. No one is genuine, interesting or unique. Everyone is just like everyone else. I feel like a broken record saying things like this over and over again, but it's just the plain harsh truth. It kind of sounds wrong for me thinking that everyone needs to come up to my standards and what I expect them to be, but I cannot help it. I'm searching far and wide for anyone that I connect with on any kind of level, but it's just too hard. I feel as though there's some sort of blockage in my mind that has been built up over time from dealing with so many people who have damaged me emotionally. My subconscious is putting up it's own defenses against the outside world. It's protecting my sanity, and I'm truly grateful that it is. But, I wish I had the proper control and judgement to know whether or not someone is good. This might sound like I'm contradicting the ideas in my other post titled "I've become so col", I feel that I am just adding detail to the subject and not stating the opposite. There's only so much a mind can feel at once, and trying to convert emotions into words is not the easiest of tasks. The things you hadn't though of before usually always come back to you later on. I think everyone knows that.

I'm currently thinking about rereading "The Castle of Otranto" by Horace Walpole. It's such an amazing novel. I swear, people who lived back then were incredibly intelligent. It seems that people in this day and age are going backwards. Everyone is getting more stupid and less intellectual. No wonder why they're saying the world might end in 2012.