I just don't want to deal

Lately, I've been feeling so tired just dealing with other people. It doesn't even have to be bad things either. It could just be making plans, figuring out where to eat, talking about things, driving places, spending money, etc. Everything is starting to just become so tiring and overwhelming that I don't want deal with any of it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I love hanging out with them, but the process of doing so is beginning to become too boring and generic. I'm not even sure I'm making sense with what I'm saying about all this. It's almost as if I'm tired of having a social life in a way. I never used to have such a stimulating social life up until the beginning of this year. Maybe the sudden rush of everything is making me feel overwhelmed? I'm not exactly sure. I'm never exactly sure when it comes to my emotions.

I really just want to fly somewhere far far away right now. I really wish we took that trip to the caribbean this winter. I really feel like I need to get away from my life here as soon as possible. I need to cleanse myself somehow of all the impurities that humans have injected me with. I wish there was some way, some how, that I could just sit inside an isolated house somewhere in the north. I'd be away from people and away from the world and away from the black and white life I live here. I could just sit up there and read books by philosophers, artists, aristocrats, and novels written by authors in a time where people use their brains. I would also need some books and pens and paper so I can write about anything that's on my mind. I wouldn't be bored because I'd have books to entire me, and I could always go outside and try to become familiar with nature again. I just want to purify myself from humanity, and I want to work on the relationship I've had with myself for the last 18 years. I need to love myself more and try very hard to keep my mind in a sane stage. I need to keep my emotions and thoughts in check without the influence of humanity messing up what I've built. I can't let everything that's going on around me effect my mind. I'm way too sensitive of a person to run out into the world without a bullet proof vest. It's like throwing a gazelle into a cage with a pack of lions.


Since my fantasy is practically impossible, I guess I might just have to isolate myself at home for a couple days. Just to calm my nerves and what not. I cannot believe something as minuet as just having a more sociable life can render me from feeling such an odd way. Sometimes I feel so small to be effect in such a big way by something that's not that big of a deal in a first place; such small things can effect me in ways that they don't effect other people. It's like I'm hypersensitive to practically everything. I hate it so much, yet I feel like without it I wouldn't be who I am. It's a very difficult feeling to explain to someone "normal" who doesn't have the emotional complexities that I am cursed with. Anyone probably reading this will be like "What the hell is he talking about?" I think I might have to agree with them, too.



Another thing that has been bothering me forever actually, is that fact that I live in a prison cell. My mother is a very controlling person and doesn't let me do things even know I'm practically an adult. I want to be able to go out with my friends late at night or sleep over people's houses. I can't even do any of that because she thinks I'm out and about having sex with anything that walks. I do have many flaws, but I would say that I'm a good son and a good person. I don't do anything bad. I don't smoke, drink, or get bad grades. I'm very nice to my mother, a lot more nicer than my sister is. Why is having my own freedom such an extraordinary task? It's very frustrating, and I envy anyone who does have their own life and are able to do whatever they want when they want. It makes me very sad sometimes that I have to live out this double life and lie my way out of things just so I'll be able to go out and see friends. Is that too much to ask for? I just want my own life. I feel so bad when my friends ask me to come out with them, and I have to explain my situation about not being able to go. It makes me feel like they're irritated by it in some sense. It also makes me feel like a 12 year old. I constantly have to tip toe around my family life in order to have a social life. How I made it this far without going insane? I have no idea. To have an apartment all by myself leaving alone is all I want in life. I want A LIFE.

I really don't think I'm going to be able to have a life unless I get the fuck out of my house. I need to get a job and save money for a down payment on an apartment in Boston where I plan to go for University. This way, I will not be dependent upon my mother for things, and I can fully be my own person. The only problem is that NO ONE IS HIRING. How can I save money when there is no place to get a job? My life is a fucking prison cell.

Give me strength

Frustration.

I feel so frustrated right now, and I do not know why. This sudden outbreak of sadness and depression reminds me of what happens to me during the summer. I feel exactly like the summer. The insomnia, the sadness and the mopey dopy attitude. What has gotten into me? Why do I have these sudden irritate mood changes? I do not think I'm bipolar, because people who are bipolar usually do not know they are. And, I am self-aware. It has to be something to do with my environment I suppose. But, what could it be? I did not do anything out of the ordinary today, nor did I do something that sparked a bad memory of some sorts. Usually, weird circumstances make me experience mood changes. I hate feeling a certain way but being able to put a finger on what exactly is bothering me. It's almost like if there's a striking pain somewhere like when you get a stubbed toe or something, but I cannot seem to find where the pain is coming from. I'm going to attempt to look deep within and try to explain what I'm feeling in the most comprehensive way I can express.

I feel as though, like always, I'm supposed to be somewhere else right now. It's almost as if I have the feeling of missing out on something grand that is happening at this very moment, but I do not know what it is. I feel like I should not be living here. I feel like I should be out of this area right now living my own life and finally being happy. I get so consumed with hatred for the area of New York that I live in that it almost blinds me. The hatred originates from my heart, flows through my bloodstream, and seeps into every muscle, every nerve, every tissue, every organ, and every limb. It makes me want to shut down forever until the nightmare is over, and I'm finally home free. I get so frustrated and agitated that my nerves act up. I have to get up and walk around. I have to do something to calm myself. It's almost as if I'm having a small panic attack. I seriously doubt that this is healthy in anyway. This emotional state makes me feel like a walking corpse. I feel like I have no insides. No heart, no soul, no mind, and no strength. It's so unlike how my regular personality is. There are officially two Robbies; the normal everyday Robbie, and what's left of Robbie when the rest of him is drained dry by humanity.



People also have been frustrating me beyond belief. Almost everyone gets on my nerves. There is always something wrong with someone. No one is ever the way I wish them to be. No one is genuine, interesting or unique. Everyone is just like everyone else. I feel like a broken record saying things like this over and over again, but it's just the plain harsh truth. It kind of sounds wrong for me thinking that everyone needs to come up to my standards and what I expect them to be, but I cannot help it. I'm searching far and wide for anyone that I connect with on any kind of level, but it's just too hard. I feel as though there's some sort of blockage in my mind that has been built up over time from dealing with so many people who have damaged me emotionally. My subconscious is putting up it's own defenses against the outside world. It's protecting my sanity, and I'm truly grateful that it is. But, I wish I had the proper control and judgement to know whether or not someone is good. This might sound like I'm contradicting the ideas in my other post titled "I've become so col", I feel that I am just adding detail to the subject and not stating the opposite. There's only so much a mind can feel at once, and trying to convert emotions into words is not the easiest of tasks. The things you hadn't though of before usually always come back to you later on. I think everyone knows that.

I'm currently thinking about rereading "The Castle of Otranto" by Horace Walpole. It's such an amazing novel. I swear, people who lived back then were incredibly intelligent. It seems that people in this day and age are going backwards. Everyone is getting more stupid and less intellectual. No wonder why they're saying the world might end in 2012.

The world is mine for the taking.

I'm so excited for what my life is going to be like for the future. The process of leaving this horrible country has already begun. I'm looking up where I want to go for University and I've had these colleges in mind: McGill University in Montréal, Dawson College, Boston University, York University in Toronto, and Toronto University. All of these Universities are in Canada except for Boston. I'm most likely not going to be going to McGill soon, because I plan on going there to complete my PhD instead of my Bachelors. But, I'm still not sure. I really want to go to Montréal now and not latter. The idea of living in such a beautiful French speaking city is amazing to me. I wish I could just go now and get everything settled with. I want to get out of this area so badly that it hurts. I literally thing I could feel physical pain by how badly I want out. I need to see the world and experience everything that I can possibly absorb.

I'm so frustrating by how I still live in my parent's house. I'm 18 and I'm not even allowed to do what I want or when I want to do it. I'm convinced that I'm probably not going to be able to have my own life unless i move out. Thankfully that's in about a year. This is my last year at community college and afterwards I'll have my Associates in Liberal Arts. I'm already a portion of the way done with my education (: It's such a good feeling to know that I'm not going back to that college after May. I hate it so much. The facility, the students, the location; everything about it simply horrible. I think they should just receive a degree automatically just for putting up with the college in the first place!



Oh yeah almost forgot! My sister and I are planning on going on holiday some time later this year to PARIS! Can you believe it!? PARIS! One of the most beautiful cities on the planet, and we will be visiting it. I just can't wait to see the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Champs Élysee. It's going to be fantastic. Not to mention, everyone in France is amazingly gorgeous. I might even get lucky (:

Blogs in English and French/Blogs en Anglais et Francais

I am now going to be posting my blogs in England and French, because I'm trying to practice my french in case I do decide to go to University in Montréal. Also, this way people who do speak French and not English can be able to read and understand what I'm saying. I'm really excited about this decision. I think I love other languages more than I love English ahaha!

J'aurai affiché mes blogs en Anglais et Français, parce-que je essayé á pratiquer mon Français au cas où je déciderais aller á l'Université á Montréal. Aussi, les personnes qui parlent Français seulement et pas l'Anglais peuvent á lire et comprendre que je dis. Je suis très excitée sur cette décision. Je pense qu'aime des autres langues plus de j'aime l'Anglais ahaha!

I am alone at a crossroad

I'm so confused and frustrated by the decisions I'm going to have to be making in the coming future. There are just so many things to consider and arrange. It's even harder when you do not have anyone by your side, or anyone that has got your back. I'm all on my own in my next path in life. It has not even happened, and yet, I can already feel it.

I was really considering going to Boston for University. I have even received a pamphlet from them in the mail a couple days ago asking me to visit their campus. My family and I are going there during Spring Break, and I can hardly wait. Boston is such a beautiful city. It's away from New York and away from all the disgusting. The University has every program I'm interested in, and it seems very welcoming and an amazing place to study. Boston itself reminds me of England so much, and that is quite a good thing for someone who has an unhealthy love for all things European.

As always, something else has created hesitation in my decision. I was recently searching about Vancouver Winter Olympics. I started reading about Canada and it's cities. One particular city that stood out to me was Montréal. It reminds me of a slightly more modern version of Paris. It was just so beautiful in the photos I saw and just so clean and refreshing to look at. It was so hard to believe that a place like that could ever be in North America. The more I think about it, the more I feel it is appropriate to call Canada "the Europe of North America."

Along with reading about Canada and Montréal, I started coming across different sections of Wikipedia that discussed Montréal's Anglophone Universities. One University in particular interested me a great deal, and that was McGill University. The way it described McGill was staggering. "A 'prestigious' Canadian School." It immediately drew me in. Education is so important to me and so is becoming extremely successful in life. What better way is there to do it by going to a "prestigious" Canadian University in Montréal? I'll be learning things in Canada while studying in a European environment. My French would improve dramatically since 80% of people living in Montréal speak French. And all their Newspapers, traffic signs, and businesses are all in French. It would be such an amazing experience for someone like me who is already going to be majoring in a language program.

The only problem I have with this conclusion is no family support. It's kind of hard to want to study in a different country when your parents are not supportive of anything you do. My mother was not even that much more supportive when I told her about Boston. I normally do not care about parental approval over my life, but it is nice to have that extra support with what you want to do from your family. I mean, they're supposed to be the people who support you no matter what right? The ones that got your back? Wrong. Not in my family. My family underestimates me to the point where it makes me so sad inside. I normally don't let things they say get to me, but my interests in language and education are a huge part of my life. Having so little support and encouragement for something so significant is an awful feeling. Not to mention the fact that it makes you feel a lot less alone in making decisions. I guess I could do things on my own. It would be very hard and slightly sad, but I'm sure I'll get through it. The only thing my mom really cares about is money. She doesn't even really care what I do in life as long as I'm making a lot of money. Sometimes I really hate the way she thinks. I feel so bad about saying this, but she is one of the most ignorant of people I've ever met in my entire life.

So. I'm back at square one again. I was so happy about my Boston decision because I thought I finally knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted in my life. Now that this new interest in Montréal has come up, I'm back to being indecisive and at a crossroad. And with the lack of support and guidance, the decision as to what I do is going to be immensely difficult. I'm so scared I'll make a wrong turn and end up going in circles and back where I started.

I've become so cold

Throughout this blog, you will have noticed that I talk very frequently about wanting to be in a relationship and my constant reaching out to people in order to try and be with them. Although this has been an important element in my personality for the last couple of years, I find myself, at this point in time, not wanting to be in a relationship

I never really gave too much thought about it when up until about when someone new was coming into my life. We really are very similar people. We have the same interests and have almost the same exact views on life and people, school and friends, relationships and intelligence. It seems that they are exactly what I was looking for. There was only one problem; I don't want to have a relationship with them.

I don't even want to have a sexual relationship with them. Isn't it strange? How suddenly, out of no where, your wants that you've been having for years start to change. It almost as if BECAUSE they are perfect for me, I don't want to be with them. It's a very strange emotion that I've never before experienced in my entire life. It's almost as if my consciousness is contradicting itself, but for no apparent or logical reason. My wants have completely changed. The things I want now in life have switch to wanting to be a relationship to, not meaning to be blunt, just sleeping around and having just sexual relationships with people. The only things that are on my mind right now are school, moving, career, success and having "fun."

My entire perspective on relationships has changed dramatically. My opinion on them as become harsher and more negative. To me, relationships tie people down and imprison them in their own minds. I don't believe in love, nor do I think it even exists. I feel that life is way to short to attach yourself just to one person and not explore. There are 6 billion people on the planet and you just want to be with one person? This, to me, is highly illogical. I mean, I can see the different perspectives of other individuals who might not agree with me, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that the lifestyle is just not for me. I don't want to be with just one person. I don't want to "fall in love." I don't want to go on emotional roller-coasters that serve no purpose what so ever but to inflect pain and emotion discomfort. I can't even deal with simple emotions. How could I ever deal with "love"? How could I ever deal with wanting someone so badly you go into mental shock? Not to be morbid, but I honestly think I would end up killing myself. I am not a person that can deal with anything to do with emotions. Call me weak, call me whatever you think that means; I simply cannot do it.

Also, I am not ignorant to that fact that love can actually be a good thing. I'm not ignorant that it can bring an incredible amount of happiness and joy. However, I am not the one to take a chance with something so emotional and end up getting hurt. I won't take the chance going through a shit load of assholes just to try and find this unique and rare "love." It's not a quest I want to go on. To me, it's just not worth the emotional turmoil. I'm severely protective over my mental health because it's one of the only things in my life that has value. My mental health along with my morals, standards and career path. I will protect over those things like a lioness over her cub. I don't want you in my head. It's only a place for me and for me only. You have no right to go there or to try to get in without my permission. Although, it's not as if anyone can anyways. My wall is made of brick, steel, concrete and is 10 ft thick. I don't even think an Army Tank can penetrate such a wall.

I know what some of you might be thinking out there. "There's so many people on the planet, you can find someone to love" blahblahblah. I, wholeheartedly, disagree. I feel, deep down in the very center of my entire being, that there is NO ONE out there for me. I have met many people in my life time and almost all of there were frightening easy to read and see through. No, I haven't met everyone on the planet, but the more I talk to people the more I figure out that everyone is the same. Everyone thinks the same way. There is no one like me on this planet at all and I am sure of this with every fiber of my existence. Humans, in this day and age, are well below where they should be in intelligence, morals, standards, opinions and intellect. I feel that I am not like other human beings. In order to understand how I contrast myself with others, I will give you an example. If the world was a painting of the ocean with varies different actions happening within in, say for instance, lost of seagulls catching fish in the water or a fisherman bringing in a net filled with Tuna. If I saw this painting in an art gallery, I would look at the whole painting; the birds, the fish, the boat, the fisherman, the wave crashing on the bow of the ship, the clouds in the sky. I feel that other humans would look at just one thing in the picture, or a couple of things, or look at one thing and the look at something else. I look at things as they are. I look at them as a whole. The good and the bad. The best and the worse. The beautiful and the ugly. Other humans just look at the things they want to look at it because they are not intellectually savvy enough to understand the whole picture. I hope you weren't confused by my example, but it was the best way I could word how I feel about the line drawn between me and other people.

I'm not trying to sound egotistical or sound like I think I'm better than everyone else. I'm just trying to explain my feelings with words, when emotions and feelings can hardly be described in them. My point is this, how can I find anyone to love if I feel so disconnected from everyone else? How am I supposed to find someone to connect with, when everyone seems to be how I stated before? Deluded. Ignorant. Uninterested. It hardly seems possible! It's almost pathetic to even try to find someone, and I will never stoop down to being pathetic. A better word to describe it also would be "desperate", which I had been in the past, but I am not now.

I have a theory as too why I have become so emotional cold and stone. I think that I have gone through so many months and years without affection, love, or even just being important in someone else's life (other than my friends and family). All this time that has gone by has made me loose those wants and emotions to the point where now I can no longer feel. The only thing I really feel right now is sexual frustration (which will be taken cared of as soon as I get home {:). That's about it. I also love my work and my interests of course, those could never leave because they are a big part of who I am. But as I said, I have become emotionally barren. My mind is in the process of desertification and I can't say that I hate it. To be honest, I completely love it. I hate dealing with emotions anyways, so why should emotional numbness make me unhappy? I'm actually the happiest I've ever been in years. I love being happy. I love not being able to feel anything but good. I love stoicism. I love what I've become.

This blog entry might seem a little sad to all of you, and you might even feel sorry for me for not being able to feel anymore. But please, don't. I'm finally more content then I'll ever be living in New York, and I probably will be even more happy and content when I move. I'm at a good place, whether you think so or not. You're not me and don't understand my logic. I'll be surprised if you could understand anything in this entry haha!

Life is good. I'm ok.

I hate New York

As the days go by, I find myself growing with hatred for the state of New York.

I recently was searching around the internet and found that the U.S census voted New York as one of the worse states to live in: I think I know why.

From the people, to the government and politics, New York is shit hole of a state to live in. Not only do we have a poor health insurance system, lots of crime, no good public transportation systems (except in the City) and insanely over priced everything, but we also have when the worse education systems in the country and the only state in the union that has "Regents." I'm so glad that I stumbled upon some colleges and universities in Boston that have a good reputation for what I want to major in. I'm so tired of living here. But for me, it's not so much as my surroundings that really get to me, but it's the people that really piss me off!

In the area of New York that I live in (downstate, NYC metro area), it is very easy to drive to Connecticut or New Jersey because they're not so far away. Whenever my sister and I visit Connecticut (it's only 30 miles away) we also find that the people who live and work there also seem happier and nicer. I also experienced the same type of atmosphere when I was on vacation in New Jersey. My friends and I were going grocery shopping at a local Stop and Shop and went to go get some cold cuts at the deli. When we got there, we ended up having a really nice conversation with the butcher that was taking our order. He was just so nice and funny and just a great guy to talk with. While we were talking to him, I couldn't help myself but to think about how the same situation would NEVER happen back home in New York. It was extremely rare to find someone who isn't rude where I live let alone have a decent and friendly conversation with them!

Why is that New York has such horrible people living in it? Is it because the environment has caused everyone to be unhappy? High prices and bad education making everyone miserable? I know those things would make me not such a nice person.

But as I thought about it more and more, I found that it's not just people's attitudes and manners that are horrible in New York. It's also their general personalities. Everyone seems to be so stupid and awful. It's very rare to find someone that isn't retarded or into smoking pot all day and killing millions of brain cells. I also think that people try so hard to be things and to act a certain way that they start to loose sense of who they are as a person. Conformity at it's finest! No one has a personality anymore, it's all acts and morals of other people that just get past on from person to person. It's like some sort of sick heritage that gets past down to everyone that comes in contact with it. It angers me so much to be surrounded by such idiots and horrible human beings. Even COMEDY is copied! People don't even have their own sense of humor anymore, they just copy what other people find funny and then plant it into their subconsciouses. It's disgusting! I don't understand how people can endure it all their lives and not be pulling out their hair from the scalp.

Another thing that seems to be common in the citizens of this pathetic state is the lack of wanting to succeed in life. I am constantly reminded of this by my so-called "friends." Most of them seem to be content with living mediocre lives, working at Burger King, making minimum wage. This, to me, is one of the most low life, poor, garbage, worthless things I've ever heard of in my entire life. I think everyone should want to succeed in life, regardless of what their current position is. Why is it that I feel like I'm the only one who wants to get out of here and make something of themselves?

I really cannot wait until I get to move to Boston, that is, if I get accept to any of their colleges that I want to apply and transfer too. It would be one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life; to get out of this state and leave be hide all it's misery and it's pathetic citizens. I honestly think that no matter what I do here I'll never be able unless I leave New York. I can honestly feel it in my bones.

My heart is sore

I don't mean to close the door
But for the record, my heart is sore


Christmas was yesterday. I think it was one of the worse Christmases I've ever had in my entire life. Not that I didn't get what I wanted or didn't get anything good, I did. But, there was just something about it that didn't seem like all the other Christmases. Maybe, because I'm growing up, all the magic that used to be in Christmas is slipping away? Is this what's going to happen with everything that was exciting when you were younger? All the life, the meaning, the excitement, the happiness, everything gets sucked out and replace with blahness and generics? If this is what's to come of everything, please don't let me get so old to the point where my world is in black and white 24/7.

Good news is, I got about $1200 from my college from Financial Aid that I filed for over the summer and it's JUST getting to me now. I suppose it's what's left over from what I had before or something. I'm really glad I got it because I really need to use it to buy a new computer. The computer I'm typing on write now is just begging to die and every single computer that my sister has ever gotten a hold of, she's destroyed. We had a laptop that has a really nasty virus on it that I can't get rid of no matter what I try. I guess all of that doesn't matter now because I am getting my own computer finally. Everyone my age has had their own and it's about time that I had my own as well. So excited to get it actually. I'm actually just waiting for the checks to clear in the bank and then I'd be able to purchase my macbook online (:


Another thing that I've been talking about on and on and on again throughout this journal thing, that no one reads anyways and doesn't even want to bother to read, is relationships. I really thing I sound so pathetic in saying this but I really want to be in a relationship. I think I've narrowed down the reasons to more logical ones that make more sense to how I'm feeling about the whole situation. I want to be in a relationship, not because I want to be happy. Relationships don't bring happiness, happiness is in yourself. I don't need someone else to make me happy. I'm perfectly capable of making myself happy. I think it's really wrong to just want to be in one just so that the other person can make you happy. Why I really want to be in one is because I'm severely lonely. I feel so alone to the point that I can almost convince myself that I'm the last man on Earth. I can hear the silence in the world right at this very moment. My loneliness isn't even about being physically alone either, it's more to due with emotional and mental loneliness. I have yet to find someone who understands me at the deep levels that I need to be understood. I haven't connected with anyone, not even with friends. I often find myself thinking that there's something wrong with me because I haven't had this connection. Is there really anything wrong with me or is there something wrong with everyone else?


I feel that if I was in a relationship, I'd be able to get connected with that person on the levels I need to be connected with and won't feel so alone anymore. It truly is a horrible feeling that I've been having for most of my teenage years, or rather my "enlightenment" years. I really want to meet the perfect person for me. I don't know if I believe in soul mates, but I do believe in connection. I want connection so badly that I'll practically do anything for it. I'm constantly reaching out to people who don't want to reach out to me. It's a mind shattering emotion that I hate enduring every single day of my life. You would think that after a while the pain would grow numb and stop hurting, but this type of emotion continues to have all it's strength and mind shattering power within it. I often try to turn to drugs in order to ease up on this constant horning reality. I feel like they help me leave this world and enter a new one just so I can take a break from the pain. I know they are not the way to do this but I really have no other choice. It's either drugs or go insane, and I'm too vulnerable to endure anything major in my life right now or stressful. I want out of this world so badly.

Where is my perfect person? Where is my knight in shiny armor? Who is going to come and rescue me from my dark depths? I often think that this person is never going to come and that I will be forever lost in the darkness.

I know everyone says "be patient" and that "it'll happen" and I know they all truly believe that it will happen to me someday, but deep down inside I feel this horrifying emotion right down in the pit in my stomach that I'm going to be alone forever or for a very long time. I know it sounds crazy and that I can't possibly know if that's true or not but this feeling is so great and unlike anything I've ever felt before, almost as if it's a warning of some kind, telling me what lies ahead on my path of life.

I really don't know what's going to happen to me in the future. All I can do is hope for the best and try to survive.



You blew through me like bullet holes,
Left stains on my sheets and stains on
My soul.

Now Lay Me Down To Sleep

"Into this wild abyss,
The womb of nature and perhaps her grave,
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire,
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless the almighty maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds,
Into this wild abyss the wary fiend
Stood non the brink of hell and looked a while,
Pondering his voyage..."

- John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book 2

My life right now cannot be described using any words in the English language and possibly no words in any other language. It is a giant black hole sucking and feeding away at my inner being. Each time it opens, a little bit more of me is warn away. I don't know what to do with myself these days. Everything seems to be falling apart. What am I going to do?

I'm starting to prepare my mind mentally for when I'm going to be alone forever. I'm trying to get used to the idea of loneliness and I'm starting to do things more independently to practice it. I wish stoicism was a class at college because I'd so take it. I hate dealing with emotions as I've mentioned before in previous posts. Everyone that wants me in this area is so disgusting. I'm a little insulted at the fact that they think they have a change with me. What kind of person am I being perceived to be? I wish I wasn't me sometimes so I can look at myself and see who I am really and how I come off to people. What stalkers.

The ones that I want? They don't live around here, they live at least an hour away. The person I used to like who lived upstate turned out to be an ignorant, arrogant, ugly nobody. What was I thinking even considering them? They must have been a desperation attempt. The people I like now are a little closer than the previous crush and I have a lot more in common with them. They only thing that's a problem is actually MEETING up with people.Why is it such a big project just to get together with people these days? I feel so unimportant that people can't even incorporate me into their everyday lives. If I don't mean enough for us to even physically meet, than why bother with you in the first place? It seems that everyone is too busy to hang out with me or that no one even wants to hang out with me and get to know me. Could it be a sign that things aren't meant to be? I mean, if you can't even be bothered to make time to meet up then you obviously don't think me of any importance right? I just don't understand human beings these days. Everyone is so strange. I feel like I'm playing a game that I can never win at because everyone is just so mentally disabled. How can people play games with others' emotions? Maybe I'm just overly sensitive? So many questions and no answers. Where do I belong in this universe? Surely not this one.

Sometimes I often feel like I'm from a parallel universe of fantasy because this world does not relate to my mind in any way possible. Things are so boring and plain. I often play video games and read books that have to do with other worlds with magic and enemies, other universes etc because I feel that reality is too depressing and awful. I love putting my conscious into these fantasy worlds because it makes me feel like I'm getting away from it all. I love immersing myself and forgetting about everything else. I have yet to meet someone like me on this planet that is the same way. I truly think I am unique; however, I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

I'm currently reading a book called "The Golden Compass" it's one of the "His Dark Materials" trilogy books. It's supposed to be really good and I loved the motion picture that was out a couple years ago and has become one of my favorite moves. The book is supposed to have a hidden meaning about religion and how it controls people apparently. I was surprised to find that it was in the children's section of Barnes and Noble.

I need strength, just like Lyra.

Bottle of arsenic looking too friendly.

My life right now has been just a sack of nothingness. I wake up, eat, go to school, come home, eat, go to bed. That's it, and nothing else. I have no friends these days and one of my other good friends is actually moving away to California soon so that's another friend that I can't count anymore. I don't hang out with anyone. I just sit at home and do work or play video games. I have no social life or romance life (a joke to even think I'd have one)and I simply don't know how I'm going to go on if the rest of this year is like this. I'm hoping that Christmas time will brighten my mood up and start to get me to look at things more positively instead of negatively. But can you blame me based on the circumstances? It's almost like I'm making a movie staring me as the main actor and I'm the one looking in through the camera eye glass. But instead of liking the movie, I'm looking at it in disappointment.


Right now in my life, I am no where near where I wanted to be. A couple of years ago, this would not have been what I had in mind. I am so not where I want to be either. I was expecting myself to be off in Europe somewhere studying ancient Norse or something in a London University or going to Paris and seeing if I can get a photo pass to shoot models at fashion runway shows. Living in New York still was no where near what I wanted. I know I'm only 18 years old but I have such big expectations for myself that I think I'm going to continually get disappointed with everything that life throws at me.

On top of all of this that's going on, I'm beginning to really like someone (romantically) who lives 3 hours upstate. What's even worse is that they don't have a phone or any mode of transportation to come visit me or something so we can finally meet up and get to know each other without the obstacle of a computer screen. I also am beginning to think they're getting irritated with me because I'm so pushy and impatient to meet up and I also think that they don't like me as much as I like them. They are everything I want in someone that I would consider dating yet they live so far away. I'm not even sure I'm doing the right thing and letting myself like them this much because it might end up with me getting screwed over again. They did tell me that they were not like others and I hope they're right but so far everything is getting to the point where it's hard to take it seriously. I just hope my false hope isn't going to screw me over in the end. I always do this myself, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I need to move.

Irritation to the maximum

Ok, some things certain people are doing currently in my life are pissing me the fuck off. It seems that everything is irritating me these days and I really just need to rant about them on here for a few paragraphs or so. I really don't care if these people read this either, the truth needs to be told.

First of all, I will talk about how people randomly switch personality moods REALLY quickly? Like, so quickly that it makes you start to wonder how they made it this far in life without medication? One moment, you'll want to talk to me and want to hang out and blah blah, and get together. They'll be texting me all the time and saying how they can't wait to get together and it's been so long. So after that little family-type reunion, you think "oh, I guess this 'friend' is really cool and stuff and I have nothing to do right now, so why not just text them?" So you go to text them back, and the entire mood changes. They're replying with one-word texts, everything is very vague and not specific. And I'm just sitting there, confused as fuck, and have no idea what the fuck is going on. Has this ever happened to anyone? This isn't the first time something like this has happened with the same person, it's been multiple times. I remember one time they were being very blunt. I sent a text message saying like "Hey, whats up?" you know, basic etiquette and such. And then I'll here my phone ring that I have a new message and the reply is a FUCKING QUESTION MARK. Wha? Huh? Are you kiddin' me!? Excuse me? I just really want to know if this specific person has any kind of mental disorder in their family, or if they are mentally disturbed in anyway because I'm at a blank. At this point in time, after all of these events, I am simply confused out of my mind! Like, are you serious? Fer real? You're really going to say shit like that after we just had a fun little Brady Bunch reunion a few days or weeks ago? I'm just really dumbfounded! Like, I can see if they were doing something important or they were driving etc. but you would think that if they were doing any of those the reply's would just be short and not RUDE. I can go on and on about this for hours, but I really don't have the time. You guys basically get the general idea though. Sometimes humans baffle me.


Something else that gets me, almost more than the what I stated above, is how people say that they want to hang out and then never do anything about it? Now, this might seem similar to what I was talking about previously, but the situation that I'm stating right now doesn't have anything to do with the person/people being rude. They just don't say anything. It does seem similar but at least these people aren't being rude and I actually have a good feeling that they're being real and really want to hang out and aren't just trying to make conversation. But this particular phenomenon really bugs me because I really really want to hang out with these people that never seem to step up to what they say they want to do! It's always the really interesting people that I've recently met and that we have a lot in common with each etc etc and I just would really like to discuss things with them and see their opinions on different events and interests. Is that too much to ask? It frustrates me enough that I barely have any friends that share similar interests with me, now that I've finally found some people that I can relate to almost everything with, you're going to bail out on me? Why did you even suggest hanging out in the first place? Just to be nice? Like, I don't see the logic behind it. If you aren't serious about what you're suggesting to me, then don't say it! I take everything everyone says to me, to heart. I always think people are being serious. That's one of the reasons I don't like sarcasm and think it's degrading and childish. Like, come on now. We're all adults now. Imagine going up to a co-worker and suggesting to have dinner some time this week, and you just ignore it later on? You'd probably eventually be the person no one wants to make plans with in the future.

Alright now, this particular scenario in my life has gone on recently. It's about me and a very good friend of mine who recently has been engaging in sexual activities with someone else for the first time and they're 18 years old. When I say sexual activities, I mean just kissing and making out and nothing else. So anyways, this person usually comes to either me or another good friend of mine to confine in to tell what she has recently done. And I'm cool with that because I remember how exciting and also scary it is to experience that "closeness" with someone else. So at first I'm listening and giving me opinion and so on and so forth, but I notice that when she is telling me what she has done with this other individual, it's almost like she expects some kind of "WOW OMG" reaction out of me? like she wants me to be like surprised? or in shock? She also makes it out to be this BIG GRAND THING! Every time she brings up the subject with me I'm thinking like "omg, she must've done something bad this time. Oh my god, did she have sex?" etc etc. Until, she tells me what she has done and my reaction in my head is "oh.....ok." Like, to me it really isn't that big a deal and I don't know why she thinks it is to tell me in such a dramatic way. I'm expecting something huge but instead I get something common and amateurish. It's like we're all in 6th grade again telling each other the taboo things we've done at a sleep over party or something, this is not normal college teenager conversation. The only logic explanation I have to why she's telling me what she has done in such a dramatic why, is that because it's her first time and she's never done anything like that before. But you have to ask yourself why you would think I would be surprised about stuff like that in the first place? We're all 18 and grown adults. We've been kissing and making out with other people since Middle School. It is just very confusing to me why, especially me with that stuff that I have done with others, you would think I would be surprised and shocked? Is it because it's you and you're known for being very private and not engaging in activities like that? I honestly will never know unless I ask the person myself, but I wouldn't know how to bring it up without coming at her in a somewhat hostile way in what I was saying. Oh well.


Now I will discuss something directly related to what I was discussing above. How this same friend had the nerve to say "I don't believe you" after I told her that I have done bad bad things (sexually) with people. Huh? Wha? Excuse me? I just tried to make you feel better by saying I have done more worse activities with other individuals, so that you wouldn't feel bad or feel dirty, and you're going to call me a liar? What the fuck? Seriously? Who would lie about things like that? Especially when they're not good things to be lying about. It's like lying when someone asks you if you wiped your tooshie after going number 2 and you said "no" but you really did. It is the same exact thing. Like, come on. Really? Why do you think that's a lie? Do you think that I could never "GET WITH" a lot of people? Oh my, let's not go there because I'm not a vain person, but I will brag when I need too. All you need to know is that I get what want, with people and with items ok? That's all you need to know. It's not like I need to try either, people come to ME, I don't chase after them. So if that is what you're thinking, that I can't get with anyone, then PLEASE think again. I also don't know if it was just because you're starting to feel big and bad just because you made out with some slightly overweight Asian emo kid. Like, I could see if it was like Cole Mohr or something but you went and got it on with a rump roast, it was no thanksgiving turkey. That's another thing, everyone that I have ever been with was hot and fine as hell. I would show pictures but I like to keep my sexual and relationship separate from my social friend life because I don't like mixing the two. Personally, I would not feel like it is a good thing to spread around information like that because I would be embarrassed, but if you're not embarrassed that's fine. I really don't know what the deal is with all this that happened. It just really offended me that someone could call me a liar when I told them something BAD that I have done to make them feel better about themselves. I really just don't understand what was going through her mind. I don't know if it was an ego boost from the rump roast. I don't know if it was the delusion that I can never get with a lot of people. I just don't know, but what ever it was it pissed me the fuck off and it's a shame that I didn't address it right there because I'm way too nice of a person.


Just some current issues that are happening with my life. This is really poorly written but that's ok because it's just a rant. Hope someone can relate to these situations in their life.

Dearly Beloved

Just a little poem thing I wrote.

Dearly Beloved.
We are gathered here today to embrace our fate.
The arms of time point to our dismay and water leaks from the windows.
The sound of glass against our skin is soothing.
Warm crimson reminds us of our term.
It greets us with unknown or forgotten emotion.
Stand back now and let it consume your being.
The soul will stream out into the night
Slowly releasing those armies of tears.
And you will never feel again.

College and Zoloft

The weather outside is getting so nice. Cold and rainy just how I like it. You're able to wear pretty clothing when it's like that outside (:

I don't even know where to start so the sequence of events might be out of order.

I started college in late August. The college I choose, however, I think was the biggest mistake of my life. It's in the middle of no where and I have to drive an hour just to get there. The people are all from upstate and they're very ugly, obese and not friendly. Everyone is very redneck looking. The probably only go shopping once a month and it's probably at like, Old Navy or Walmart. That's another thing, every there dresses so...K-Mart looking. For almost all of them I can just look at and can tell that I wouldn't like them. I'm so angry at myself. The only reason I actually wanted to go to this college was because I knew some friends that were going. Stupid me just doing it for FRIENDS. Stephanie is the only one I talk to though and sometimes we carpool out there. She seems to have made some friends but I haven't yet. I think it's because she kind of lives in the country and so do the other students so every gets along when they're from the same place? I live more south than her in more urban areas and I'm used to more city-like atmospheres. I don't even know. I don't even want to make friends. I just want to finish this year and get the fuck out as soon as possible. I also noticed that I'm more comfortable talking to adults than I am talking to people my own age? What's that about? You would think it'd be the opposite.

My friends from High School are slowly starting to un-interest me. They're getting more boring and no one is changing. It's like they've been the same for the last 4 years. Scary. Not to mention they're all very, poor? That sounds horrible to say because I'm not the wealthiest of people either. But I like to have friends that take pride in how they look and appear. And the ones that do have money don't use it on things to make themselves look better. I take pride on how I look, even when I don't have money to buy some things. Appearance gives the people around you a sense of how you feel about yourself, and I want people to know that I feel damn good about myself. People tell me all the time that my friends don't seem like the kind of people that I would be friends with. Sometimes I get irritated when they say that because I do love my friends, truly. But I still know what they mean when they say that and I can't bear to not agree slightly.

I'm so eager to move and to get out of this place. I want to meet more interesting people and less American-ish people with no brains or intellect. I want to be able to have coffee out whenever and talk about anything and have them be as interested in it as I am. There's only been around 2 people that I've met that are exactly like that. I'm sick of people not being able to have time for me. I'm sick of doing things by myself all the time. I'm sick of living at home. I'm sick of not having money to do what I want. I'm sick of being single. I'm sick of EVERYONE. There are so many things in my life that bother me that it's beginning to be impossible to stay happy for a long moment of time. God I hate my life.

Another thing that has evolved in my personality, is that I have become a slag. I've never hooked up with this many people ever. I feel so dirty and disgusting. I don't even know why I'm doing it. Just the other day I drove 45 just to "play" with someone that I've never met before and only met through the internet. I'm getting scared for my health and don't know whether or not I should get a test for an STD. I really am falling apart aren't I? I need someone to balance me out and show me direction. I'm like free falling snow flake, floating around where over the wind blows. I really need help.

Oh, the relationship department is, as always, empty. I've already accepted the fact that I'm going to die alone so.

Cheers everyone x

No Energy

They dance around me, refusing to cease. Going on a on, like a roundabout. I can't seem to feel why the feeling is negative. The consent taunting, the endless agony. The way the ocean sings to the beach. Beating on the rocks and slowly, withering them to sand. Feel as I do, feel with me. My pleading isn't enough to end these dances. They swarm like bees, stinging me here and there. Not enough to die, but just enough to bleed. Why are none of you, like me? Always someone to play with, always someone to exist.

Words come out with no meaning or feeling, stone dead is the linguistics that pour out of me. Pens and papers play with my desires, they call out to help, but I know it's no use. They won't come out, won't leave, won't pour out of me like they do with others. They sit, and breed. Making more and more. They rot away my insides and make my roots give out. I fall and fall. When will I stay down? Do they always grow back? Is this the cycle to my life. A beaten green. The dancers egg them on, to breed and multiply. Soon I will grow full, but I don't have the release of popping. The walls inside would just get stronger, and contain the rage and chaos. I will be just a vessel full of them. With dancers for fuel, I have no chance. I will fall gracefully to the ground.

No one will ever see the departed. Like all fall life, I will be forgotten.

End of my life

I am currently in one of the worse moods that I've ever been in my entire summer. It's like a felt before I went on holiday to New Jersey. It's as if a dark cloud as been pumped into my being. I'm having more mood swings than I can hardly think capable of someone having. I'm getting dirtier and doing things that I wouldn't have done before. I'm being an arse to my mother. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I should talk about my holiday? Maybe I shouldn't? Would it matter? No one really reads this anyways. Or if they did, they wouldn't care. I'm just some silly boy in some silly city just being silly.

I often thought that I could write whenever I wanted to and it would help me keep things in check, but it really doesn't. It just makes me more confused and makes me think more about things that really don't need deep thought. I waste so much thinking and feeling and I wish sometimes I can turn both of those things off in my brain so I'll be able to get on with my life and do what I need to do. It seems that I can't do anything, talk to anyone, go anywhere, without that person, place or thing, making me feel a certain way and cause a shit load of unnecessary thinking. God, someone needs to fix me. Although I'm not sure what needs to be fix. It's not like a need a psychologist or anything, I'm not crazy. Or unhappy. Yet, I'm not okay either. For instance, I don't even know why I'm writing all this because half of it doesn't make any sense. Am I really depressed? I have nothing to be depressed about. Ugh, where's the off button to my head.

I've been thinking a lot about whats going to happen to me when I get older. I have a rather good feeling that I'm going to end up alone. That's why I went to movies by myself yesterday. I did it so I'd get use to the feeling. Being alone. It doesn't seem so bad when you're enjoying what you're doing by yourself. Maybe it won't be that bad being alone? I've already accepted my faith. I know what you're probably saying (IF anyone actually reads this) "you're only 18, you have time." No, I don't. I could have all the time in the world, but I know I'm going to be alone in the end. That's the only conclusion and logical ending to my life. Things that happen to other people, don't happen to me. And that's a fact. So keep your positive comments to yourself because the only thing it's helping is yourself. They're useless to me.

Holiday was...refreshing? I guess. To be away from the noise and people. I kind of miss the people I was hanging out with at the house and who I was on holiday with. I miss the drunken nights and the random trips to Atlantic City. They want to go again in 3 weeks and I will not object to the idea. I miss the easy going life and the ocean breeze. I miss being away from home. I hate it here, I think it's the cause of all this fucked up thinking and emotion. Ha, hence the saying "home is where the heart is," well apparently, I don't like my heart aha. Actually that makes sense as I don't like being "in love" or having crushes on people.

I feel indescribable right now. Angry, sad, hurt, depressed. All for no reason. Like usual I feel alone. But I'm going to have to get used to that. I wonder how long it takes for someone to grow numb of emotion. There's a hole deep in me that just sits there and gathers crap. The more crap, the more messed up I become. I don't know how to seal the gap, I don't know how to some the crap from coming in. I don't know how to heal, or even where to heal because it seems that there's no one to blame. Maybe I made the hole. Self-destruction at it's finest. God, I'm like a psychologists play toy. The things they'd do to me aha. I think my mother would not hesitate to send me to one of those, I'm like, the perfect concoction. The perfect mix of things that can be "wrong" with someone. All stirred up and heated at the perfect temperature. Fit for psych-ward.

There's all these things brewed up in my head that I want to say but don't know how to say them so that they'd make sense. Emotion has no equivalent in speech, I found that out as a child. That's why we cry, the noise is the only form that our minds can convert, so that it makes sense to the outside world. The world beyond our minds.

I'm just rambling on now.

Please. Help. Me.

Depression

So, summer has officially started...yay? No.

Recently I've graduated from High School, oh yes, a day that I've been meaning to embrace since my junior year. It amazes me how much time you waste in school. Other countries have their kids starting college at around 16! I wish it was like that year, I wouldn't feel as though my teenage years have gone down the drain.

So, about summer. You know how in the winter time, people say that it causes depression because of the cold and the snow and the darkness? Well, my depression doesn't happen in the winter, it's the summer that causes me to be disgustingly depressed. I don't know what it is. I've been having weird ass mood changes, crying for no reason, random bursts of excitement just to go to the grocery store, suicidal thoughts, and all of the above.

God, I cannot wait for holiday in New Jersey, it's going to be amazing.

Love: Europe or bust?

I'm beginning to feel that I'll never be able to find the perfect person for me until I move out of New York. It seems to me like no matter what I do I don't get the attention I want from people that I like. It also seems that the people here are attracted to-to put it rather bluntly-idiocy and stupidity. It's as if the more..gross? you are, the more people want you. Isn't that a bit, say, opposite? as to what people are really supposed to be going after?

What depresses me more is when people, who you think no one would want, would seem to get people faster and more likely then you've ever done in your entire life. I mean people who are, fat, sloppy, ugly, irritating and down right revolting, find it so easy to find mates. Sometimes the person is rather, and is revolting as well, but sometimes the person is actually pretty decent. So I ask myself-what am I doing wrong? I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I mean, I wouldn't say I'm the most attractive thing on the planet yet I don't think I'm entirely hideous looking. I'm smart, funny. I don't think I'm, in any way, irritating. If anything it's everyone else that irritates me. I always help out friends and try to give them advise with problems. In the relationship department I'd say I'm fairly decent. I listen, love, comfort. Always thinking about the other person first, how I can make them happy and what not. I don't ask for much. Little things people do for me excite me. The most littlest things. I ask again, what am I doing wrong? Do people really just want what I stated before? Stupidity and idiocy? Badly-dressed, rude, "dirty" people?

And then I ask myself this simple simple simple: Could it be because I live in New York? Because I live in America? I country filled of disgust and arrogance. Negativeness and ignorance. Living in a country with such people obviously wouldn't make someone expect much of its' citizens. Now let's not get stereo-typical here. Sure, that MIGHT be the majority of the people in this country, but aren't there always some that contradict the main stereotype?
And if so, where are these guardian angels of mine?

If there are some of those people out there, then they certainly aren't where I live. Or I haven't been looking properly, which is to say, a bit unreasonable considering how concerned I am on the matter.

Now, I shouldn't be concluding my idea on the very un-reliable source that I have. But after a few myspace and facebook profiles and some brief internet chatting and exchange of ideas, I've found that people from Europe are, well I'll just say it, FUCKING amazing.

They're all so...genuine. So lovely. Even the way they talk (or type) and their wordings is cute. On top of all that they're extremely polite and interesting, not at all creepy and they do not say awkward things they make it hard to figure out what to reply with. What I personally like about the ones I've talked to is that they always ask "How are you?." I can't explain how much of a lack of that question is in normal American conversation. I think it's due to the fact that everyone here doesn't care about anybody but themselves and couldn't be bothered to even care about the well being of another human being. Another thing I've found about Europeans, is that I find that I can connect to how they feel about certain ideas and feelings and emotions. It's like they're been typing a diary about my OWN life, yet it's about their lives. That feeling is one feeling that I, no matter how "close" I try to come with an American, cannot grasp or feel. I cannot CONNECT with anyone. Connecting is very important to me because I often feel alone all the time, I cannot even express how alone I feel. And connection means that I won't have to be alone. Maybe that's the type of person I should be looking for, someone who feels as alone as I do, so that maybe we can be alone together or make it so that neither one of us can be alone again?

The more I think about it the more I become depressed. Because, as much as I want it to happen, I wouldn't be able to move to England or any other part of Europe again for a longe time. Everything in this world is so difficult to do and too time strenuous. People should just be able to have the money to do whatever they want and then move where ever as long as they can afford it, and that should be the end of it.

So I guess I'm afraid that love for me will have to wait until I get off this rock. Either that or try and strain to find the least bit of life still living on this continent, and take that life and use it as wisely as I can. Kind of like being alone in a house at night with no electricity and try using a candle to light my way from room to room.

Prom and such.

WELL, last night was my sister's prom and everything with everything that was going on and how "big of a deal" it was, I was SO SO thankful that I hadn't gone to my prom last year. I would've end up getting really angry and fed up with everyone and end up alone at the end of the night.

So before the Prom we gathered at my sister's friend's house. There is when we took pictures and what not, got all hibby-gibby, wait for the Limo and then all said goodbye. It was interesting actually to watch everyone get in and drive away. I kind of wanted that feeling of getting in a Limo and going to a fancy party and what not but I wouldn't want all the bullshit stuff that goes along with a Prom as well. Oh well, she came home and said she had a good time. My mother and I were slightly concerned with the way she treated her date (who drove all the way from Vermont just to go to the prom with her) she basically "ditched" him when they got to the prom and when we confronted her about treating him with such rudeness she simply stated that he's "weird." So that makes being rude to someone because they're a bit different ok? Kids these days have no respect to people. It's a bit upsetting really.

Well that was that day. I hadn't gone to school either because I knew no one was going to be there, so I didn't bother. For some reason I'm starting to hate all of my "friends." All of them, to me, just irritate the living hell out of me. They wouldn't even have to do anything irritating, just their mere existence was annoying to me. Isn't that ridiculous to feel about people who are your friends? I think so. Maybe I'm just getting so tired of the same people everyday. I'm not one to take friends seriously. Its not like other people, where as when one of their friends goes missing or stops talking to them for a little while, they go all out loopy. Friends just aren't that big of a deal to me. Or maybe that's because I haven't found the right friends to take to heart yet? Which is most likely the reason. I mean, I know I'm slightly cold hearted, but that NOT cold-hearted (: I suppose it's because I don't really take friends that go to my school seriously. They're a bit more like acquaintances, people to hang with when there's no one else. I can't help feeling that way, it's just how I feel.

I'll give you an example of someone that I'm irritated with right now. My one friend (who, as always, shall remain nameless) is hanging around with another woman who I despise and I HATE when my friends do that. Am I wrong for doing so? I talked to my other friends about this and they say that I'm being a bit harsh and a baby, yet I spoke with my sister about this whole ordeal and she said I'm not wrong in the slightest bit, and that me ignoring my friend for a little while, is perfectly fine. I also spoke to other friends outside my school and they also agree with me and my sister. So I going with their views on it. I'm not doing anything wrong and it's perfectly fine to be irritated with someone who is, supposedly, your friend and is hanging out with someone you hate with all your heart. I mean, say this situation to yourself and ask yourself, am I really being unreasonable? I don't think so in the slightest bit. So if my friends in school think I'm being a bit unreasonable and a baby and so on and so forth, then they can kiss my ass. I cannot stop feeling what I'm feeling just so someone doesn't want me to be angry with them. That's like asking someone to fall out of love with someone just like that .:: snap::.

I haven't been writing on this site in a while and I sure wish I did more. It helps me sort of my ideas and thoughts so I don't make decisions based on emotions, and, like always, make a fool out of myself and end up doing something I'll regret doing later.

That's all going on for now. Hope to write another entry soon.

Rant and Rumble

I'm in a weird mood right now so I think I'm just going to go on a rant about random things right now.

I sat down today and thought about how disgusting humans are too me. And I know you're probably thinking "you're human" so let me rephrase. I think human thinking is disgusting. We pollute our Earth, have more violent behavior than any other animal on Earth, shun on another for being different, shun those who love people of the same sex, shun shun shun. We constantly just to separate ourselves into 2 groups of people, the "normal" and the "not-normal" personally that makes me want to throw up. There is no such thing as NORMAL. We are all different and we are all connected. We feel the same. Hurt the same. Love the same (some more passionately and different forms but you get the idea). We all have emotions that some people try to tuck away into the bellows of their mind because we don't want to feel. Some of us feel we're over burden with emotion. Some of us simply think we're hollow and cannot feel. Our interests are whats different. Can you imagine living in a world where everyone likes and dislikes the same thing? It would be like something out of the Twilight zone. Perfect society when theres no such thing as perfect. How dare people try to perfect one another. Everyone is fine the way they are. No ones defected, inadequate, not-normal, or not fit enough and have to be modify in some way. Sure life styles can be made "better" and we can teach one another. But there is a line with how much "bettering" you can do to someone. Changing someone to make their life better is one thing but trying to change who they are is another. Just because you don't like something or think something is disgusting or "not-normal" does not give you, in anyway, a right to try to "fix" who they are. I'm not talking about body type or clothing type or what someone likes to eat. I'm talking about deeper things.....blahblahblah

The above argument is something I often think about and an opinion that I have had as well. But you see, I cannot fine myself a common ground to stand on because I can argue with my own argument and prove myself wrong. Its almost like I have two different people in my head (no I'm not insane :) but its like I can argue with myself back and forth and never fine a common ground. Its like I'm challenging myself for the right answer that isn't there. All I come down to is something can be argued with again and again and eventually lead onto other things then can also be argued again and again and I'd get completely off topic in my own head. My conclusion on this on going "event" I guess you'd call it in my mind, is that every little thing is the result of other grander things that all come together and finally create a phenomenon that affects human beings. So therefore, all of our problems in the future are the result of mistakes that we're making in the present. Yet how are we supposed to know that we're making a mistake if we don't know the outcome because its in the future? Are we supposed to wait and learn from our mistakes? Or are we simply going to continue making mistakes and learning from them and having to deal with the negatives of that mistake? Constant problems? Negatives? Hurt? Pain? Always going to be there?

This goes back to my argument that nothing is perfect and will never be perfect. And you could also argue that as time goes on we become better and better at everything we do in existence. Yet if nothing is perfect, whats the point of getting more towards being perfect? Is there going to be some sort of time stop that will eventually be the event horizon for the human race? A point where perfecting and perfect come close but cannot meet because of the reasons I stated in the previous paragraph and our civilization growth will simply come to a halt? Dangling in space and time. A long path of error and error correcting. Or will we simply go on for eternity? On this never ending, pointless journey that can never be reached?


Perfect is a strange thing.

My experiment was a success.

My little experiment that I recently have concocted went out with a bang (literally). The amount of attention I received from that bulletin was amazing. Let me debrief you all of what the initial plan really was:

I had conducted an experiment consisting of a very (very) controversial bulletin involving someone with an illness in my school that could be life threatening. I didn't think it would even get to school because I have no one from my school on my myspace friend list because most of my friends live in Manhattan. BUT..it did get to school, and all went crazy. I was attacked by some stupid girl at lunch (who will remain nameless) that didn't know what she was talking about the entire time and I often had to stop mid-sentence just to process what she was saying. She contradicted herself, and was ugly and had the most obnoxious back-side I've ever seen in my entire life, but regardless, it was just a comical moment. I often thought how funny it would be to see this thing yelling at me from the other end of the lunch room aha. Afterwards, stuff went on like this for about a week and then died down. There were threats made against me, physically and verbally, people that I didn't know were talking about it. I was like, a celebrity really. The only thing about those whole scenario is how disgustingly fake the principal was about it. (let alone all the built up emotion I have with her for turning the school into a soft-core Nazi concentration camp, where you can't even move an inch in the hallway within getting in trouble for it). But my goal in this experiment was not to try and get attention or something childish in manner like that (I'm way too mature to stoop that low) my goal was something even more, something a bit socially argumentative, if you will.

Another thing that I find comical was how serious everyone was taking it. What the bulletin said, I didn't even feel that way. It was all completely absurd and out of context. I just took the most random thing in my mind and typed it in and sent it out. Even after being summoned to the principals office and having these rounds with people in the lunch room, I didn't give up. I still kept up the act. I couldn't back down now that the experiment was really getting up and taking effect. I almost felt like a scientist in a laboratory, examining his specimens at the peak of their actions. Not to sound too manipulative, but I felt like a puppeteer; every move the characters did were at my command. I wanted to see how far this thing would really go.

My main goal in this experiment was to see how much people REALLY cared about what other people think about them. Have you ever thought of how much other people shape us to be who we are? For example: With my experiment it was amazing how many people it had effected and bothered to the point that physical threats were made. Over a myspace bulletin? I couldn't fathom it. It was like I was the King of England or something, where as whatever I was to say had to go and had to matter. I would just sit and think about this whole ordeal and just think "why do these fools care about what I had to say?". I couldn't come up with any answer. Was it because of how controversial it was? Or was it just, because it was ME, that it mattered so much? Or could it have been that people just, like I said before, care way too deeply to what others think of them? Or was it simply just "mean" and "hurtful"? (The stupidest answer I think) Personally, I think it was the secound-to-last one. Because I see it like this, if someone else was to post the same bulletin about me, I asked myself, how would I feel? And I answered myself: I wouldn't care. Simple. But is that just me? Well, I have no idea and probably will never know.

I thought about this for a while within a week or two after this experiment took place. I came up with the conclusion: How much anger and violence and hatred could we all stop if we simply, stop caring about the thoughts that run through others heads'? Their not in your head, why bother about them? Just simply go on with your life. Worry about you and your loved ones. Maybe even their opinions about you won't matter as well. Sure we might all feel the need to get back, get revenge or feel angry or resentful. But it all comes down as to whether or not you care. Think about these things for a moment when something similar happens to you (hopefully not something I went through because I don't think any other person could've gone through that) but something like drama at school, or jealous boyfriends/girlfriends. See what happens when you try not to care about others who aren't worth to be bothered. Maybe something great'll happen and you'll finally be able to cope with life's curve balls a little better. Or maybe you'll hate it and just even get more angrier within even attempting to "not care". I recommend trying it and seeing what happens, but the choice it up to you.

Remember; when you don't try, you'll never know if you like it or not. (:

Hate? Not Allowed Here.

HATE? NOT ALLOWED HERE.

People need to hate me because they hate themselves. They want to believe the rumors about me because they don't have their own rumors. I'm here to stay, so get used to it and worry about yourself before you try and be negative towards me. Having honesty as a quality in yourself isn't something you should "shun" someone for. Its your problem, not mine. I'm the truth shoved up your nose and everyone knows it. And to be honest, no one likes the truth. I love how everyone can say what they want but once its my turn I have to keep quiet, because god forbid someone doesn't like MY opinion. And yet, you can care less what I think? I'm sorry but being contradicting isn't faltering. My life is mine, so why are you pretending to be in it? You pretend to know everything about me yet I never show you the whole thing. Not many people know me, they just THINK they do.

Is it jealousy? Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.

Everyday I grow stronger, smarter and the real picture paints itself in front me. Revealing the flaws, curves, cracks and punctures in all your disgusting lives. Let me delete your names and erase your faces out of my life. In the end it won't mean anything because you're all so insignificant, you're all so hopeless. You're all so ugly. You are all so pathetic.

I think things are looking up.

So ! I've been thinking a lot and doing a lot for my college since I'm going to be leaving High School in June, can't fucking wait. I HATE High School with ever fiber in my bones, I feel like I've been there forever and I just need to get the fuck out of there while I still have my sanity. I don't even know why I'm still here, I've had enough credits to graduate since I was in 10th grade. But according to the New York Education Department I need to have yearly rounds of Gym and Economics course and a whole bunch of other bullshit. I'm not so happy that I'm getting out and I won't ever have to come back to my filthy school ever again.

I'm thinking about dropping Photography and Environmental Science. Each one for almost the same reason. Both teachers don't take the class seriously; in photography we literally do NOTHING. No assignments. No class discussions or ANYTHING. And I have a really nice camera that my mom spent over $1000 for and I can't even put it to use, I just have to make up my own photography. Speaking of that, I think I've taught myself more about photography art than anyone I've ever known my age, and I highly doubt that I'd learn more taking the current class I've been taking. I want to major in fashion photography yet how am I suppose to play and improve my photo taking skills with a class that teaches inefficiently? Environmental Science isn't what I thought it would be either, we don't do anything. The courses are scattered and unorganized, the teacher doesn't take the class seriously. We have no talks on Global Warming or anything like that. It just irritates the living hell out of me and adds to my hatred of how my High School is ran. Again, god I can't WAIT to get out!

About college. I'm really excited. I've talked with my guidance counselor and she told me exactly what I needed to do and what not. She loved my idea of moving to the UK and studying abroad over there. And I told her about my friends living in Plymouth and how I could stay with them during my studies, rent free I might add. Just have to pay for food and what not and basic necessities. Which I will probably have covered since of course I will NEED to get a job. I can't rely on my funding from the American Dollar. Since its worth practically nothing in Europe, it'd probably won't be much anyways. She recommended me to study here for a year or two at a community college and then transferring to a UK college. And I agree with her. It gives me time to get used to the college life, and it gives me time to save up money to be going there too. I want to save up to at least $20,000. I want to be prepared in case something goes wrong and I want to be able to have a sufficient amount of funding for the college in the UK and enough money to get myself settled as well. I also plan to study for a while in France or Germany because I want to major in a language as well. So I think I'm going to be aiming for United Kingdom citizenship. That way I'll be a citizen of the European Union and it'll be easier to travel between countries. I am SO excited just thinking about it. I knew I never wanted to stay in the United States. I don't see myself here. I don't see myself at a regular job. I see myself traveling and going to exotic places. Cities. Countries. I love traveling and I love other places. Hopefully everything goes into plan and I'll be able to fulfill my dreams of getting out of this place.

I want to see the world. And staying in this corrupt country isn't going to let me do that.
I want out.

xo

Pro-life is ridiculous.

Since this is, supposedly, the day of silence for people who are against abortion, let me blow your minds with a strong dose of logical thinking. (:

Pro-life isn't pro-life, its anti-woman.

How come the people that are against abortion, people you wouldn't want to fuck anyways? (: How come when its us, its an abortion, and with a chicken, its an omelet?

Pro-life has no consistency in any argument. Its just another stupid way for the government to take away human rights and not being able to choose weather or not to keep a baby, which isn't even a person yet to begin with. Less than 24 weeks within the pregnancy an embryo doesn't even have thought, feelings, or even organs. In fact, it barely has anything to classify it has, well, anything. These neo-conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to 9 months. And then after that, they don't give a shit about you. They'll do anything for the unborn, but once you're born, you're fucked. If you're pre-born, you're fine, if you're pre-school, you're fucked. Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach military age, then they think you're just right. They want to have life babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. You don't see any of these rich white woman volunteering to transplant black fetus into their womb, do you? You don't see them adopting a whole bunch of crack babies, do you?

Is a fetus a human being?
If a fetus is a human being how come the census doesn't count it? If a fetus is a human being, how come if there's a miscarriage, they don't have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being how come people say "We have 2 children and one on the way" instead of saying "We have 3 children" ? People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and its a continuous process. Some people like to say that life begins at fertilization when the man ejaculates into the woman, but even the woman doesn't become pregnant until the egg reaches her womb and there's a greater chance that it won't even make it that far. 80% or a woman s fertilized eggs don't make it and go to get flush out during her period. So what these anti-abortionist people are telling us is that any woman having most than one period is a serial killer?!?!?!?

So many child are born into bad homes, especially younger woman having a baby between the ages of 13-18. If they give them for an abortion, some child sit in foster care for 10-18 years. Having no real family, moving from one family to another, one town to the other and probably have no consistent group of friends. Most children born with such young mothers are born into a drug-using environment as well, making the child submittable to health problems and other mental problems due to such an extreme household life. I know if I was a fetus and my mother was a 14 year old crack whore I'd say "abort me bitch !". I would not want to live my life in a foster home or orphanage, or even be adopted by some random family that you know nothing about. That's not a life, its torture. I don't think anyone has any say in what a woman's decision should be on abortion unless they've been through the experience of raising two or tree kids on minimum wage, been through their first labor pains and pregnancy. Then I'll hear what they have to say.

As for those of you who say that the ones having the baby are little teenage sluts, some aren't. Accidents happen. Rape. Mistakes. Good girls aren't perfect and can't prevent something stupid and regretful in their life's'. Condoms break. People make mistakes, they shouldn't have to live with that mistake their entire life's.As for sluts? Well, why should you punish their slut-ness with a baby? You rather have a child grow up in a disgusting household and have a disgusting life just to punish a sluts doing? I'm sorry, but people aren't weapons of punishment. I'd rather a sluttly/nasty/disgusting/prostitute/druggie have 20 pregnancies and 20 abortions rather than keeping all those children with her. Think about what those children would grow up to be, or what kind of life they'd have being the son/daughter of a crack whore. Most likely the child would die when the girl is drunk or something and she accidentally leaves the kid on a sidewalk somewhere, which defeats the entire arguement of having the baby in the first place, it'd probably die later one !

There are over 6 billion people on this planet that we live on, one less isn't going to hurt anything. In fact, it'd probably help out our problem of over population! Abortion is just biological term limits, thats all it is. We don't need anymore people in this world anyways. Crime, hatred, drugs, violence, ignorance, abuse, arrogance, religion (lol), domestic violence, gangs, suicides, stupidity, obesity, disgustingness, racism, homophobia, murder, naive people, money, greed, vengeance...why add to the rest in a world where we're all going to hell anyways?

Life

I haven't been writing on this website in ages and I really miss it because it helped me get things off my chest. So lets start shall we? (:

Where to begin ! So much stuff has happened since school started I don't even know where to begin. So school began, nothing much of a difference really. Same old school, same old ugly/disgusting people. And nothing seemed to impress me at all, it was awfully disappointing but I couldn't expect anything more.

Another thing happened, which I think I discussed about in other posts, is how amazingly I can cut people out of my life so quickly. Its amazing and somewhat sad on my part. It makes me think a lot. The thing is, I really don't get attached to anyone. I never let everyone out on anyone, never really have a best friend that I can tell anything to, and I never really have a steady group of friends that I hang out with that I could consider them to be "good friends". I don't know if its because I haven't found anyone that I like yet ? or maybe I'm just stuck in my own little world of Robbie-ness? I have no idea what it is. Or am I so cold hearted and vain that I refuse to socialize with anyone that I don't feel adequate enough to converse with me? Maybe I'll never know what the problem is unless I find that person that I can share things with. Maybe that's why I also feel so alone most of the time. Oh well. Hopefully I won't have to wait long for that to happen because I'm getting frustrated with all these low lives I have to socialize with just to get threw High School and not be considered a "loner". Anyways, the reason I'm saying all this is because my former best friend, Lindsay, was cut out of my life so quickly you wouldn't even know we knew each other at all in our entire life's. It truly amazes me what men do to woman. And yes, that's why we're not friends anymore. Cloud their judgment. Make them stupid. Fool them. And all for what? For "love"? Or are woman just longing to be with someone so badly that they just have to have them in their lives or else they'll go insane? I'm sorry, and no offense to any woman reading this but, that's pathetic. Woman are the most stupidest human-beings to walk this Earth when it comes to judgment about the opposite sex. Some of the smartest girls I know go completely bonkers when they fall for a man! It disgusts me. And to let a guy get in the way of friendship is also a bitch move on their part. Forgive me for being so blunt but I refuse stupidity in my life. I know stupid people and I might hang out with them but I never let their stupidity intervene in my life and cause havoc. If that happens, out the door you go. I have no time for that and I have no time to waste brain cells solving drama that someone else started. Its pointless and not me. If you want things to be fixed, do them yourself because I hate always being the puzzle master in conflicts. If that's your way of life, I want nothing to do with it. Its childish and immature and people really need to grow up. We're adults now and life isn't going to be revolved around "he said she said" bullshit. Learn to out grow your childhood and welcome yourself into the real world. You're in for a real eye opener and it isn't going to come in the prettiest of gifts.

Another thing I've realized this year, as we're on the topic of "relationships" is that, no matter how much someone tells me they like me, I can't like them back. I'm not sure, but I think I discussed this in some other posts as well. I can't put my finger on this problem either. Every time I try to fall for someone, I can't. Its like a mental blockage within my brain. I think it might have to deal with the fact I've been hurt so many times by other people that my brain has sort of put a self-defense mechanism to keep me from liking anyone else. Its sort of annoying and gratifying in the same way. Its annoying in the sense that I feel bad for the other people when I want to like them so much in the same way as they like me, yet I'm grateful because my subconscious is learning from its mistakes and is trying to keep me from getting hurt again. Minimal people have this advantage in their minds, but I'm not sure I like mine yet. I'm scared that when the right person comes along I won't be able to like them back and it will ruin my chances at being the happiest I've ever been in, well, forever! And not to sound self-centered but I think I deserve it. I've been threw so much you have no idea. Roller coasters of emotions. Lead ons. False hopes. It was awful, and I'm ready for someone to take all of that pain away and show me that there's still hope on this god forsaken planet, that I can still love someone and be able to share myself. My thoughts, ideas and theories. My geeky hobbies and interests. Inside jokes. I want all of that, and I'm ready to have it. Its just a matter of if I will ever find someone that fits me perfectly, or at least decently. I guess time will only tell, eh?

To be honest, I've never felt more alone right now than I've ever felt in my entire life.
If you think you can make a difference, feel free to try. x