No to the offensive or yes to racism?

At college, we just had an ongoing debate about the new Islamic cultural center that is being built 3 blocks away from the World Trade Center site. A lot of people in the classroom seemed against it, but I, along with around 4 or 5 other students, including the teacher, were all for it.

If I don't write about this, it will bother me the rest of the day, so I'm just going to let it all out.

People who are against the building of the culture center are just purely racist, stereotypical, ignorant, and "un-american" (yes, I'm using that word). They are because of the following reasons.

The people against building the center are stating that just the presence of these people's culture is "offensive." Is it not racist to say that a certain people's culture is offending? I think it is. You can say you're not racist or stereotypical all day, but that doesn't make it true. There is a term called "subconsciously racist" where people believe that their views aren't racist when in reality they are racist. Anyone who says that they are against it's building, but claim their not racist or stereotypical is unaware of the underlining racism in their claims.

America is a country of millions of different cultures and races from all over the world. We should show the world that despite that we were attack by extremists, who have a SLIGHT relation to Islamic people (but are two completely different groups of people), we still do not discriminate, we still encourage diversity, and we do not have a double standard when it comes to other cultures. People who are against the building of the cultural center are "un-american," (even though I hate the ring of that term) because they are against what America is in the first place. A place of diversity. If you're against the tolerance of other races, cultures, and religions, than you are against the very foundation of what America was founded.

The cultural center is not even in the same vicinity as the WTC site. It is 3 blocks away from the site, and NYC blocks are very very large compared to other cities. So, just the fact that these people are making a big deal out of this, when it's not even significantly close to the site in the first place, also shows the underlining racism. They are so keen, so quick, to impose their prejudices on this group of people, that they jump into a such a small event as a reason to state their claims. They're using this insignificant event as justification for their prejudices.

I often use a different analogy to compare to this situation. If a town were to build a German cultural center 3 blocks away from a Jewish synagogue, of course there would be no problem with that. Why? Well, Germans are white, most people know that not all Germans are Nazis (in fact, only around 10% of German people during the Nazi regime were in fact Nazis or belonged to the Nazi party, and most of that percent were brain washed into believe in it) and it happened during World War 2.

Muslims are NOT extremists. They did not support the terrorist's attack, they are not terrorists themselves, and they ALSO lost people during the 9/11 attacks. They are victims just like any other America who was affect by the attacks. Yes, there might some people in America who do agree with the terrorist attacks, but we shouldn't stop the building of it just because of that small amount of people. Why address their hatred? You fight fire with water, not with fire, because it just fuels the flame.

A lot of these claims against the building of the center are also based on assumptions. Assuming that Muslims who are extremists will see that center as a "victory symbol" is just an assumption. And even if they do, so what? Who cares what they think? We're the ones who know the truth and what the center is really about and what it's not about. What others think makes no importance. Anyone can think anything is symbol of something when it's really not. People care too much on what those people will think, or what that group will think if we do this and so and so fourth. No one knows that the truth of what something really is will be what really matters.

Furthermore, if it were a bunch of extreme Christians or Catholics that were behind the attacks on 9/11, would there still be controversy if they wanted to build a Church in the same area? Of course not. They even wanted to put a cross on the WTC site!

Why are you blaming an entire religion for the work of a handful of radical Muslims? If you're letting your views of those radicals over take your view of an entire religion, why not do it with Christianity as well? So we'll take Christian radicals, like the congregation of the Westboro Baptist Church and make a generalization that all Christians feel the same ay as they do. Do you think all Christians hate gays? Do you think all Christians believe that all of the soldiers killed overseas deserve to have their funerals protested? I'm pretty sure you don't believe all Christians believe what the people of the Westboro Baptist Church do. So why would you believe all Muslims feel the same way as the handful of radicals that flew planes into the World Trade Centers.

My Sister's Graduation

Today was my little sister's graduation ceremony. Although I'm happy to welcome her into the "real" world now, the entire process of it left me in the worse mood...ever.

Why you say? Well, because I had to go to my old High School again. I hated High School. It wasn't as bad as Middle School, but it is still pretty high up there on my lists of things that I hate. Just being in that same atmosphere that surrounded me constantly almost a year ago made me want to explode. The familiar faces, the same all-American white families, the stereotypical cliques...everything was right there waiting for me again; staring at me with it's ugly little disgusting eyes. It was almost like the entire situation was saying "I'm back" at me with the most cunning grin ever. I hate everything about that. I hate the stereotypical High School with it's jocks, preps, druggies, punks, goths, emos, nerds, geeks, and losers. Usually you only find High Schools like that in movies or TV shows where they exaggerate everything to make it more dramatic and entertaining. But my High School WAS that type of exaggeration.

Even in my sister's senior video, all the sport oriented, popular, well-known kids had the most pictures put up. There were none of the less known kids, the smart kids, or the kids that weren't really losers, but weren't well-known either. It was just appalling to me. It brought back so many buried hatred that I had while I attended the school, but it was worse this time because they were all coming back to me at the same time. I just have so much opinion against these types of communities that develop among human beings. It doesn't just have to be at a school. It could be anywhere that involves social stratification.

Another thing that really makes my High School even worse is the small-town mind set that everyone has. The school only had around 1000 kids. Everyone's parents knew each other, either through family means or friends. Everyone went to the same all-white Catholic Church on Sunday. If something significant happened to a student at school, of course it was everyone's business because everyone knew each other. There was no privacy or room to breathe. It was either stay private with everything in your life, or open up your soul for everyone to view, pick at, and mutilate.

I think I was one of the only students who really kept their life on the down-low. Most of my friends weren't popular, or well-known. We generally kept to ourselves and usually made fun of everyone else for their cliché ways. I guess you could say, in a way, that we all thought we were much better than Marlboro Central High School. We didn't feel the need to conform and do what everyone else was doing. We didn't feeling the need to get attention for dumb-headed, narrow-minded children. We did our own thing; liked whatever we liked, said whatever we said, and did what we wanted to did. Now that I think about it, I have so much respect for myself in that aspect of my life, and so much respect for my small group of High School friends. I'm proud of us for not becoming "one of them." I'm proud of us for being different in every way possible, since that is generally a good thing in my head to be. I'm just glad we weren't sucked into the hype. We stood as individuals, and it wasn't an intentional thing to do. I think it's of utmost importance that someone is their own unique individual, especially in a toxic environment such as my old High School.

And you know why I think we were this way? Because we were smarter. We weren't nerds, or geeks, we were just aware. We didn't have our heads in the clouds, unless it involved doing something creative such as Art, Advertising, or Photography class. We liked to read, discuss stories, go to museums, and come up with out own ideas and opinions about everything. In a way, I believe, we were much more mature in a logical sense. Not so mature that we didn't know how to have fun, but mature in a healthy way; in a way that was perfect for our age group. I think our maturity and intelligence helped see our way out of the mist that was the stereotypical High School hype. We were able to see beyond all of that poisonous infection and survive it with who we truly are, and not what our school life tried to make us be.

Now I know you might be thinking that I'm just saying all this because I was some type of loser who had no friends and blah blah blah. I really wasn't. In the beginning of my High School career, I WAS in a dark stage of my life...literally. I wore dark clothing, and listened to a lot of Heavy Metal music. But, that ship quickly sailed, and I changed my entire outlook on life drastically. I started dressing in a lot more fashionable clothing. I spent $300 on sunglasses, $80 on skinny jeans, and $50 on shirts. I went into Manhattan to go shopping a lot because I would only wear high-fashion labels; Dior, Diesel, Topman, Gucci, Dolce and Gabbana - you name it! I still do, actually, so I was, in no way, a "loner." I was just an individual. And if you think that just because someone doesn't buy into the hype of what everyone else is doing, or because they're different, then shame on you. You won't get anywhere in life with such a narrow and ignorant view point.

Now that I'm done with my little rant, I just want to talk about this overwhelming feeling I got after the graduation. I just had a really strong feeling to get on the next plane leaving the country, and just fly and keep flying so that I was as far away from this place as I can get on Earth. I felt that old feeling I used to get whilst being in High School, and that was severe isolation. It felt almost as if I was trapped in High School while I was there, and those same old feelings were starting to uproot once again. The feeling is so powerful that I feel like taking off in my car right now. It's almost as if I HAVE to get far away in order to cleanse myself of this disgusting feeling of isolation. It was as if I needed to cleanse myself of this High School slobber.

But I shouldn't worry too much about getting away because, well, it's going to happen in my life anyways. I am going to travel the world. I am going to live in Europe. I am going to get a good education. I am going be happy. I don't think there's a thing in the world that can stop me. I'll leave this place and all it's evil behind me. There's such a big, vast, beautiful world out there for me to see. I'll get out and make the most out of my life. I feel like that's why I was born. I was born to get out, live, see the world, experience, teach, love, and experience all that Earth has to offer. This temporary stench of High School will leave my presence soon, and then I can go on to living in the real world. I'm never going back to that place, and I couldn't be more grateful not to.

The real world is so much better than grade-school, despite what most adults will say. I'm a prime example of that.

Changes, Changes, Changes..

Wow! So much has happened since the last time I've written on here. I guess I'll just come out and say what's going on. No need to beat around the bush (;

Something I'm beginning to realize is that my life is completely and wholeheartedly unpredictable. I would never think that I'd be doing and upholding the current decisions I'm making in my life a couple of months ago. Now that I think about it, it's been this way throughout my entire life. I try to look back, months ago, and remember what I thought about doing and how I thought things we're going to turn out in the present. TOTAL unpredictability! I guess it's just a part of what life is all about. It's unpredictable and completely unexplainable. You can never plan out your life down to each specific event, circumstance or decision. I know that now more than ever. It kind of makes me nervous, though. I really do plan on moving to Europe in the near future, so since I've been planning this for well over a couple of years now, I wonder if it really is ever going to happen? :| I'll hope for the best, but like I've been saying before, life = unpredictable. I could be thinking about moving to England right now and then all of a sudden, next month I could have immigrated to Japan for all I know!

You must be thinking "how does this tie into anything?" But I assure you, it has A LOT to do with what I'm going to be talking about throughout this blog post!

I guess I'll start with what has been going on recently. I FINALLY switched colleges! Instead of going to college, in the woods, an hour away, I'm going to be going to a more local college. It's going to save me so much time, money, and gas! Plus, the campus is a lot better than the college I've previously have been attending, and I have a hell of a lot more friends going to this college. Today I went there to go take my sister to take her placement test, and I conversed with more people in a single day than I've conversed with people for an entire semester at my old college! It's really THAT big of a difference! I think it has a lot to do with the location of the college as well as the type of people who attend it. It's in an urban area, whilst my older college was, literally, in the middle of the words; at least a half-hour away from any type of metropolitan area. But I don't want to diddy-daddle on and on about college. I just have a bright future outlook at the coming year of attending there. I don't want to get my hopes TOO high, but I can't help to be optimistic. I'm usually such a pessimistic person, I need to be more positive and optimistic once in a while. It's a lot more healthy to think positively than negatively anyways.

Thinking positively seems to be a new kind of trait that I've established within myself these past months. I don't know how I've done it, but I've seem to be able, now, to control exactly the way I feel about practically anything. Things that used to upset me before, get brushed out of my head with a simple shake. Feelings are easily suppressed and left in the dark, buried, unable to come out into the light ever again. It's almost like I've created some type of oppression phenomenon inside my head. Logic has become some type of dictator; telling me what I'm allowed to feel, and what I'm not allowed to feel. Actually, a more accurate way to put it would be that logic is telling my emotions when they're allowed to show their faces, and when they're not. I haven't had any of my weird mood swings in a very long time, even if I've been inside the house all day (which usually is the cause of my weird mood behaviors). I haven't been randomly depressed for no reason. A lot of people might be reading this and think that what I'm feeling definitely isn't healthy. But I'm actually really happy about it. It's really helping me overcome the obstacles I was facing before when my emotions got the best of me. I'm becoming a lot less socially awkward, and I'm able to talk with a lot more people with ease. For some reason, I really enjoy the feeling of being emotionally dead on the inside. It's so peaceful to just not feel anything. I only allow myself good emotions, the bad ones stayed locked up in a chest deep in the dark ocean that is my existence. Where this new found control came from? I have no idea. I'm wondering if it's because I've been taking Fish Oil pills for quite some time now, and I read that they're good for stabilizing moods and emotions as well as being good for your overall health. When I first started taking them, everything was like it was before. But maybe since it's not built up in my system over time, I'm starting to feel more of the effects from taking them. Not that I'm complaining, but I'm just trying to figure out where this control is coming from. It seems to have sprang up out of no where. I had no significant events happen in my life for me to undergo this radical change, nor did I try to do anything to help control my emotions. It's like it simply evolved into what it is right now. I'm wondering if maybe it's a bi-product of me just getting older and maturing. Ah well, who knows. Maybe just talking about where it's coming from might jinx me and this new found euphoria will disappear. :S

Love life department is still the same as it's always been; an empty dark room in a busy office building. Not that I care about it any more, really, but now it's just starting to irritate me rather than make me sad or depressed. I know I'm probably going to sound like some sort of attention-seeking, spoiled, complaining little girl by saying this, but I honestly feel as if I'm literally not allowed to be happy. It's as almost the world and the universe deliberately try to make things not work out the way I want them to work out when it comes to having romantic relationships with other people. I'm not feeling sorry for myself in anyway, it's just how I wholeheartedly feel about the situation. It also seems a bit arrogant to think that the world is out to get silly ol' little me, but I just can't help feeling so strongly about something like this. Maybe it's not the Universe or even the world that's out to get me, but it's like my own fate wills itself to make outcomes that go against the pathways of my life that will truly make me happy. I've been in situations where everything is going about perfectly for months and months, but then suddenly, when things are starting to get a little more serious (I mean like, besides flirting via text and internet) things completely change and everything that I've worked on gets flushed down the toilet. Things in my life are apparently not allowed to go in directions that make me the happiest. Why? I haven't the slightest idea.

Regardless of that random little rant, I honestly can care less about things like that in my life right now. Everything else seems a lot more exciting to me than being close with someone else. My new found dead heart is doing me some good for a change. Keeping my mind at peace, and my pants at bay (;

I'm caring a lot more about schooling at the moment. Each day brings me closer to seeing a clearer path to my future. It gives me ease knowing that I'm coming closer to where I'm going in life. I'm really looking forward to seeing Boston this summer and visiting some of the colleges there! I really don't want to end up in the City, honestly. I feel like I've I go there, somehow it's a symbolic representation of me never being able to get out and leave New York. So...I really don't want to do that! New York is such a bad state to live in as well. If I have the opportunity to get out and do what I want, I'm going to take every option that's handed to me.

I think that's all for the current updates so far. I'll try to write a lot more, especially when significant things happen in my life. Such important dates MUST be kept on record!

Until then, peace, love, & vodka.<3

Everything is beyond complicated

I haven't been writing on this blog in just so long, and I'm upset with myself for not doing so. It helps me so much to get the things that have been bothering me out of my head and onto something where I can read it and make better understanding of it.

So much has happened in my life that I have no idea where to start. From college, to relationships, to my future-everything is all over the place. I guess we'll just start with what is on my mind at the moment, shall we?

I'm stressing about where I'm going to study after college here in the states. I really want to study in Europe, England to be exact, but the process of doing so is so stressful. I'm going to apply to the University of Sheffield, University of Leeds, and University College of London. That way, if I don't get accepted to one, I'll be able to have a chance of getting accepted to another. I put the course of either "Linguistics" "Linguistics and Philosophy" or "Linguistics and Phonetics." I really hope I do get accepted to one these Universities because then I'll have to earn my undergraduate in the U.S; something I really DON'T want to do. But if it comes down to that horrible ordeal, I guess I could always have the option of getting my PhD somewhere outside the US. I really hope everything goes as planned, even though I know sometimes life almost never turns out the way you plan it out to be. Speaking of things not turning out the way you want them to be...

I've found myself torn within my own mind when it comes to, and I cringed upon pronouncing the word out loud, relationships. It's come to the point where one side of me longs for wanting someone to cuddle with at night while watching a movie, going out to the movies, having lunch with each other randomly during the week, and just being happy with someone. The other part of myself, the most realistic and logical part, is yelling at me. It constantly tells me that there's no such thing as love, that there's no point in having a relationship because it all just ends in shit anyways. That I don't need anyone because I'm better than that. That I'm going to end up alone anyways because no one could ever possibly like or even love someone like me. And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying to make people feel sorry for me or any other crap like that. I truly feel it in my soul that no one could ever find an interest in me because, basically, I'm not interesting. I like language, and I spend my free time learning grammar and other "boring" things of that nature that humans have ignorantly labeled as. If someone is interested in me, they only want to get into my pants. What's even more disturbing is that I feel like I have to do sexual things with them in order for them to notice me or even just like me. It's kind of sad in a way. I know it's not a good thing to feel this way. But what can I do? It does work, and I do get that slight bit of closeness with someone that I crave. Not TOO MUCH harm done, right..?

It seems that these both sides of my head are constantly playing tug-o-war with my actions and responses to the outside world. Which side do I choose? Does it really even matter? Does anything matter anymore? What's more important in life? Being happy with someone else? Or being happy by yourself?

It doesn't help either that I've been meeting people left and right who try and flatter me with compliments. It confuses me so much. What do these people want with me? Surely I'm just another "piece of ass." Right? But, others have expressed sincerity in the way they talk to me. They seem to want to really get to know me. The only problem is the whole process of getting to know someone. That's another thing that I'm just tired of going through. First you meet them online, then you exchange numbers for texting, then you call each other and talk once and a while, and then you finally meet in person. It's just tiring, boring, and I'm through with it. It almost seems to not be worth it anymore. I'm gone through this whole ordeal way too many times to just hit a dead end 9 out of 10 times. Everything is beginning to bore me. People are beginning to bore me.

So in a way, the part of me that says "the hell with relationships" is winning the epic fight. It shouts and argues and pushes it's opinions onto my existence. The other side is weaker-more prone to infection. It's sensitive and longing. Lonely and curious. Hopeful and faithful. Depressed and forgotten. Suppressed and oppressed. It's the part of me that I bury deep within my existence for the sake of my own sanity. Because if I let this side run free, I'd be a wreck. I'd be constantly depressed, unhappy, crying all the time, a push over, a longer, and a person who's easily overlooked. It makes me weak and more vulnerable. Even when I suppress this part of my consciousness (at least that part that I can control), I still have symptoms of it in my "strong" persona. It bubbles up every now and then, and I have to bury it back down deep within me again. I know that this isn't a healthy thing to be doing, but it's the only way I can get on with my life acting somewhat "normal" and not a crazy overemotional teenager. It's how I've come this far in life without breaking down, ending up in a mental hospital, or becoming victim to someone's mind games.

Everything is beyond complicated. I just hope everything works out in the end and that I'm at least sane when all the hecticness is over.

I really don't know anymore

Bodies disengage, our mouths are fleshing over.

Is this an echo game?
Irises retreating to ovals of white.

The urge to feel your face, and blood rushing to paint my handprint.

A Frisbee one by one;

Your vinyl on lamanent

Desperate for some kind of contact



I'm loosing the connection between me and my inner self. I don't know what's going on anymore. Who have I become? What am I doing? What has gotten into me?




I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I've been doing things that I never dreamed I would be doing a year ago or even a couple months ago. My life has completely shifted from what it was before. I only had my books, thoughts, and ideas for friends. I only went out when it was urgent. I only kissed people I knew for a long time. Everything is changing. I don't know if it's for the worse or the best. I'm not so sure that I want to become someone like this though. It doesn't feel like me at all. I feel pressured into doing these things, and I feel as though it's sucking the life out of me in a way. I can't sleep. I can't feel. I just am. I looked in the mirror today and saw the life leave my eyes for the very first time. It's almost like these experiences are hollowing me out. There is a very distinct empty feeling, almost a feeling of being a low person. My head hurts from thinking, my emotions are being caged my inner being so I don't go crazy. Even now, while sitting in this library, I feel like a lifeless sack of nothing. My eyes are droopy, my head is stuffy, my vision is foggy, and it's not because I'm getting ill either.

I guess life is all about finding yourself and this is just one of the steps I'm going to have to take on the path. It's such a confusing time and a very blank time. It's almost like I can choose who I want to be now and it will forever determine who I am to be as a person. The things I find myself doing at this time do not feel like me in a sense, yet they do. Maybe it's just a small part of myself that is coming out? Just a small part that hasn't had it's moment to shine and be acted upon? It's a possibility, but I'll never be able to know for sure. I just wish the feeling of myself would come back already. It's in the past now and not happening at this very moment, yet I still feel dead inside. I feel so pressured to be this new person because it's generally the stereotype. It's not me at all, but it's almost as if I don't adhere to it then I will forever be left alone. Untouched and barren. It's as if conformity is the only way I'll be able to be with someone, because face it; no one out there is my definition of perfect. I'll probably never meet them. I'll probably never have a monogamous relationship with someone. It's just inevitable for my future. I can feel it already and it hasn't even happen yet. I just wish there was someone there, just a friend, who can lift the spirit in me back up again. I hate feeling this way. I feel like a cum rag.

I'm just hoping things will get semi-back to normal soon. I'm happy that I'm going to Boston next week. It will be an amazing feeling to get out of this area for a day or two. I just need to get out. I wish there was someone I could talk to that will just listen to me and try not to make everything about the or about something else. I really think I should see a psychologist :l

I just don't want to deal

Lately, I've been feeling so tired just dealing with other people. It doesn't even have to be bad things either. It could just be making plans, figuring out where to eat, talking about things, driving places, spending money, etc. Everything is starting to just become so tiring and overwhelming that I don't want deal with any of it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I love hanging out with them, but the process of doing so is beginning to become too boring and generic. I'm not even sure I'm making sense with what I'm saying about all this. It's almost as if I'm tired of having a social life in a way. I never used to have such a stimulating social life up until the beginning of this year. Maybe the sudden rush of everything is making me feel overwhelmed? I'm not exactly sure. I'm never exactly sure when it comes to my emotions.

I really just want to fly somewhere far far away right now. I really wish we took that trip to the caribbean this winter. I really feel like I need to get away from my life here as soon as possible. I need to cleanse myself somehow of all the impurities that humans have injected me with. I wish there was some way, some how, that I could just sit inside an isolated house somewhere in the north. I'd be away from people and away from the world and away from the black and white life I live here. I could just sit up there and read books by philosophers, artists, aristocrats, and novels written by authors in a time where people use their brains. I would also need some books and pens and paper so I can write about anything that's on my mind. I wouldn't be bored because I'd have books to entire me, and I could always go outside and try to become familiar with nature again. I just want to purify myself from humanity, and I want to work on the relationship I've had with myself for the last 18 years. I need to love myself more and try very hard to keep my mind in a sane stage. I need to keep my emotions and thoughts in check without the influence of humanity messing up what I've built. I can't let everything that's going on around me effect my mind. I'm way too sensitive of a person to run out into the world without a bullet proof vest. It's like throwing a gazelle into a cage with a pack of lions.


Since my fantasy is practically impossible, I guess I might just have to isolate myself at home for a couple days. Just to calm my nerves and what not. I cannot believe something as minuet as just having a more sociable life can render me from feeling such an odd way. Sometimes I feel so small to be effect in such a big way by something that's not that big of a deal in a first place; such small things can effect me in ways that they don't effect other people. It's like I'm hypersensitive to practically everything. I hate it so much, yet I feel like without it I wouldn't be who I am. It's a very difficult feeling to explain to someone "normal" who doesn't have the emotional complexities that I am cursed with. Anyone probably reading this will be like "What the hell is he talking about?" I think I might have to agree with them, too.



Another thing that has been bothering me forever actually, is that fact that I live in a prison cell. My mother is a very controlling person and doesn't let me do things even know I'm practically an adult. I want to be able to go out with my friends late at night or sleep over people's houses. I can't even do any of that because she thinks I'm out and about having sex with anything that walks. I do have many flaws, but I would say that I'm a good son and a good person. I don't do anything bad. I don't smoke, drink, or get bad grades. I'm very nice to my mother, a lot more nicer than my sister is. Why is having my own freedom such an extraordinary task? It's very frustrating, and I envy anyone who does have their own life and are able to do whatever they want when they want. It makes me very sad sometimes that I have to live out this double life and lie my way out of things just so I'll be able to go out and see friends. Is that too much to ask for? I just want my own life. I feel so bad when my friends ask me to come out with them, and I have to explain my situation about not being able to go. It makes me feel like they're irritated by it in some sense. It also makes me feel like a 12 year old. I constantly have to tip toe around my family life in order to have a social life. How I made it this far without going insane? I have no idea. To have an apartment all by myself leaving alone is all I want in life. I want A LIFE.

I really don't think I'm going to be able to have a life unless I get the fuck out of my house. I need to get a job and save money for a down payment on an apartment in Boston where I plan to go for University. This way, I will not be dependent upon my mother for things, and I can fully be my own person. The only problem is that NO ONE IS HIRING. How can I save money when there is no place to get a job? My life is a fucking prison cell.

Give me strength

Frustration.

I feel so frustrated right now, and I do not know why. This sudden outbreak of sadness and depression reminds me of what happens to me during the summer. I feel exactly like the summer. The insomnia, the sadness and the mopey dopy attitude. What has gotten into me? Why do I have these sudden irritate mood changes? I do not think I'm bipolar, because people who are bipolar usually do not know they are. And, I am self-aware. It has to be something to do with my environment I suppose. But, what could it be? I did not do anything out of the ordinary today, nor did I do something that sparked a bad memory of some sorts. Usually, weird circumstances make me experience mood changes. I hate feeling a certain way but being able to put a finger on what exactly is bothering me. It's almost like if there's a striking pain somewhere like when you get a stubbed toe or something, but I cannot seem to find where the pain is coming from. I'm going to attempt to look deep within and try to explain what I'm feeling in the most comprehensive way I can express.

I feel as though, like always, I'm supposed to be somewhere else right now. It's almost as if I have the feeling of missing out on something grand that is happening at this very moment, but I do not know what it is. I feel like I should not be living here. I feel like I should be out of this area right now living my own life and finally being happy. I get so consumed with hatred for the area of New York that I live in that it almost blinds me. The hatred originates from my heart, flows through my bloodstream, and seeps into every muscle, every nerve, every tissue, every organ, and every limb. It makes me want to shut down forever until the nightmare is over, and I'm finally home free. I get so frustrated and agitated that my nerves act up. I have to get up and walk around. I have to do something to calm myself. It's almost as if I'm having a small panic attack. I seriously doubt that this is healthy in anyway. This emotional state makes me feel like a walking corpse. I feel like I have no insides. No heart, no soul, no mind, and no strength. It's so unlike how my regular personality is. There are officially two Robbies; the normal everyday Robbie, and what's left of Robbie when the rest of him is drained dry by humanity.



People also have been frustrating me beyond belief. Almost everyone gets on my nerves. There is always something wrong with someone. No one is ever the way I wish them to be. No one is genuine, interesting or unique. Everyone is just like everyone else. I feel like a broken record saying things like this over and over again, but it's just the plain harsh truth. It kind of sounds wrong for me thinking that everyone needs to come up to my standards and what I expect them to be, but I cannot help it. I'm searching far and wide for anyone that I connect with on any kind of level, but it's just too hard. I feel as though there's some sort of blockage in my mind that has been built up over time from dealing with so many people who have damaged me emotionally. My subconscious is putting up it's own defenses against the outside world. It's protecting my sanity, and I'm truly grateful that it is. But, I wish I had the proper control and judgement to know whether or not someone is good. This might sound like I'm contradicting the ideas in my other post titled "I've become so col", I feel that I am just adding detail to the subject and not stating the opposite. There's only so much a mind can feel at once, and trying to convert emotions into words is not the easiest of tasks. The things you hadn't though of before usually always come back to you later on. I think everyone knows that.

I'm currently thinking about rereading "The Castle of Otranto" by Horace Walpole. It's such an amazing novel. I swear, people who lived back then were incredibly intelligent. It seems that people in this day and age are going backwards. Everyone is getting more stupid and less intellectual. No wonder why they're saying the world might end in 2012.

The world is mine for the taking.

I'm so excited for what my life is going to be like for the future. The process of leaving this horrible country has already begun. I'm looking up where I want to go for University and I've had these colleges in mind: McGill University in Montréal, Dawson College, Boston University, York University in Toronto, and Toronto University. All of these Universities are in Canada except for Boston. I'm most likely not going to be going to McGill soon, because I plan on going there to complete my PhD instead of my Bachelors. But, I'm still not sure. I really want to go to Montréal now and not latter. The idea of living in such a beautiful French speaking city is amazing to me. I wish I could just go now and get everything settled with. I want to get out of this area so badly that it hurts. I literally thing I could feel physical pain by how badly I want out. I need to see the world and experience everything that I can possibly absorb.

I'm so frustrating by how I still live in my parent's house. I'm 18 and I'm not even allowed to do what I want or when I want to do it. I'm convinced that I'm probably not going to be able to have my own life unless i move out. Thankfully that's in about a year. This is my last year at community college and afterwards I'll have my Associates in Liberal Arts. I'm already a portion of the way done with my education (: It's such a good feeling to know that I'm not going back to that college after May. I hate it so much. The facility, the students, the location; everything about it simply horrible. I think they should just receive a degree automatically just for putting up with the college in the first place!



Oh yeah almost forgot! My sister and I are planning on going on holiday some time later this year to PARIS! Can you believe it!? PARIS! One of the most beautiful cities on the planet, and we will be visiting it. I just can't wait to see the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Champs Élysee. It's going to be fantastic. Not to mention, everyone in France is amazingly gorgeous. I might even get lucky (:

Blogs in English and French/Blogs en Anglais et Francais

I am now going to be posting my blogs in England and French, because I'm trying to practice my french in case I do decide to go to University in Montréal. Also, this way people who do speak French and not English can be able to read and understand what I'm saying. I'm really excited about this decision. I think I love other languages more than I love English ahaha!

J'aurai affiché mes blogs en Anglais et Français, parce-que je essayé á pratiquer mon Français au cas où je déciderais aller á l'Université á Montréal. Aussi, les personnes qui parlent Français seulement et pas l'Anglais peuvent á lire et comprendre que je dis. Je suis très excitée sur cette décision. Je pense qu'aime des autres langues plus de j'aime l'Anglais ahaha!

I am alone at a crossroad

I'm so confused and frustrated by the decisions I'm going to have to be making in the coming future. There are just so many things to consider and arrange. It's even harder when you do not have anyone by your side, or anyone that has got your back. I'm all on my own in my next path in life. It has not even happened, and yet, I can already feel it.

I was really considering going to Boston for University. I have even received a pamphlet from them in the mail a couple days ago asking me to visit their campus. My family and I are going there during Spring Break, and I can hardly wait. Boston is such a beautiful city. It's away from New York and away from all the disgusting. The University has every program I'm interested in, and it seems very welcoming and an amazing place to study. Boston itself reminds me of England so much, and that is quite a good thing for someone who has an unhealthy love for all things European.

As always, something else has created hesitation in my decision. I was recently searching about Vancouver Winter Olympics. I started reading about Canada and it's cities. One particular city that stood out to me was Montréal. It reminds me of a slightly more modern version of Paris. It was just so beautiful in the photos I saw and just so clean and refreshing to look at. It was so hard to believe that a place like that could ever be in North America. The more I think about it, the more I feel it is appropriate to call Canada "the Europe of North America."

Along with reading about Canada and Montréal, I started coming across different sections of Wikipedia that discussed Montréal's Anglophone Universities. One University in particular interested me a great deal, and that was McGill University. The way it described McGill was staggering. "A 'prestigious' Canadian School." It immediately drew me in. Education is so important to me and so is becoming extremely successful in life. What better way is there to do it by going to a "prestigious" Canadian University in Montréal? I'll be learning things in Canada while studying in a European environment. My French would improve dramatically since 80% of people living in Montréal speak French. And all their Newspapers, traffic signs, and businesses are all in French. It would be such an amazing experience for someone like me who is already going to be majoring in a language program.

The only problem I have with this conclusion is no family support. It's kind of hard to want to study in a different country when your parents are not supportive of anything you do. My mother was not even that much more supportive when I told her about Boston. I normally do not care about parental approval over my life, but it is nice to have that extra support with what you want to do from your family. I mean, they're supposed to be the people who support you no matter what right? The ones that got your back? Wrong. Not in my family. My family underestimates me to the point where it makes me so sad inside. I normally don't let things they say get to me, but my interests in language and education are a huge part of my life. Having so little support and encouragement for something so significant is an awful feeling. Not to mention the fact that it makes you feel a lot less alone in making decisions. I guess I could do things on my own. It would be very hard and slightly sad, but I'm sure I'll get through it. The only thing my mom really cares about is money. She doesn't even really care what I do in life as long as I'm making a lot of money. Sometimes I really hate the way she thinks. I feel so bad about saying this, but she is one of the most ignorant of people I've ever met in my entire life.

So. I'm back at square one again. I was so happy about my Boston decision because I thought I finally knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted in my life. Now that this new interest in Montréal has come up, I'm back to being indecisive and at a crossroad. And with the lack of support and guidance, the decision as to what I do is going to be immensely difficult. I'm so scared I'll make a wrong turn and end up going in circles and back where I started.

I've become so cold

Throughout this blog, you will have noticed that I talk very frequently about wanting to be in a relationship and my constant reaching out to people in order to try and be with them. Although this has been an important element in my personality for the last couple of years, I find myself, at this point in time, not wanting to be in a relationship

I never really gave too much thought about it when up until about when someone new was coming into my life. We really are very similar people. We have the same interests and have almost the same exact views on life and people, school and friends, relationships and intelligence. It seems that they are exactly what I was looking for. There was only one problem; I don't want to have a relationship with them.

I don't even want to have a sexual relationship with them. Isn't it strange? How suddenly, out of no where, your wants that you've been having for years start to change. It almost as if BECAUSE they are perfect for me, I don't want to be with them. It's a very strange emotion that I've never before experienced in my entire life. It's almost as if my consciousness is contradicting itself, but for no apparent or logical reason. My wants have completely changed. The things I want now in life have switch to wanting to be a relationship to, not meaning to be blunt, just sleeping around and having just sexual relationships with people. The only things that are on my mind right now are school, moving, career, success and having "fun."

My entire perspective on relationships has changed dramatically. My opinion on them as become harsher and more negative. To me, relationships tie people down and imprison them in their own minds. I don't believe in love, nor do I think it even exists. I feel that life is way to short to attach yourself just to one person and not explore. There are 6 billion people on the planet and you just want to be with one person? This, to me, is highly illogical. I mean, I can see the different perspectives of other individuals who might not agree with me, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that the lifestyle is just not for me. I don't want to be with just one person. I don't want to "fall in love." I don't want to go on emotional roller-coasters that serve no purpose what so ever but to inflect pain and emotion discomfort. I can't even deal with simple emotions. How could I ever deal with "love"? How could I ever deal with wanting someone so badly you go into mental shock? Not to be morbid, but I honestly think I would end up killing myself. I am not a person that can deal with anything to do with emotions. Call me weak, call me whatever you think that means; I simply cannot do it.

Also, I am not ignorant to that fact that love can actually be a good thing. I'm not ignorant that it can bring an incredible amount of happiness and joy. However, I am not the one to take a chance with something so emotional and end up getting hurt. I won't take the chance going through a shit load of assholes just to try and find this unique and rare "love." It's not a quest I want to go on. To me, it's just not worth the emotional turmoil. I'm severely protective over my mental health because it's one of the only things in my life that has value. My mental health along with my morals, standards and career path. I will protect over those things like a lioness over her cub. I don't want you in my head. It's only a place for me and for me only. You have no right to go there or to try to get in without my permission. Although, it's not as if anyone can anyways. My wall is made of brick, steel, concrete and is 10 ft thick. I don't even think an Army Tank can penetrate such a wall.

I know what some of you might be thinking out there. "There's so many people on the planet, you can find someone to love" blahblahblah. I, wholeheartedly, disagree. I feel, deep down in the very center of my entire being, that there is NO ONE out there for me. I have met many people in my life time and almost all of there were frightening easy to read and see through. No, I haven't met everyone on the planet, but the more I talk to people the more I figure out that everyone is the same. Everyone thinks the same way. There is no one like me on this planet at all and I am sure of this with every fiber of my existence. Humans, in this day and age, are well below where they should be in intelligence, morals, standards, opinions and intellect. I feel that I am not like other human beings. In order to understand how I contrast myself with others, I will give you an example. If the world was a painting of the ocean with varies different actions happening within in, say for instance, lost of seagulls catching fish in the water or a fisherman bringing in a net filled with Tuna. If I saw this painting in an art gallery, I would look at the whole painting; the birds, the fish, the boat, the fisherman, the wave crashing on the bow of the ship, the clouds in the sky. I feel that other humans would look at just one thing in the picture, or a couple of things, or look at one thing and the look at something else. I look at things as they are. I look at them as a whole. The good and the bad. The best and the worse. The beautiful and the ugly. Other humans just look at the things they want to look at it because they are not intellectually savvy enough to understand the whole picture. I hope you weren't confused by my example, but it was the best way I could word how I feel about the line drawn between me and other people.

I'm not trying to sound egotistical or sound like I think I'm better than everyone else. I'm just trying to explain my feelings with words, when emotions and feelings can hardly be described in them. My point is this, how can I find anyone to love if I feel so disconnected from everyone else? How am I supposed to find someone to connect with, when everyone seems to be how I stated before? Deluded. Ignorant. Uninterested. It hardly seems possible! It's almost pathetic to even try to find someone, and I will never stoop down to being pathetic. A better word to describe it also would be "desperate", which I had been in the past, but I am not now.

I have a theory as too why I have become so emotional cold and stone. I think that I have gone through so many months and years without affection, love, or even just being important in someone else's life (other than my friends and family). All this time that has gone by has made me loose those wants and emotions to the point where now I can no longer feel. The only thing I really feel right now is sexual frustration (which will be taken cared of as soon as I get home {:). That's about it. I also love my work and my interests of course, those could never leave because they are a big part of who I am. But as I said, I have become emotionally barren. My mind is in the process of desertification and I can't say that I hate it. To be honest, I completely love it. I hate dealing with emotions anyways, so why should emotional numbness make me unhappy? I'm actually the happiest I've ever been in years. I love being happy. I love not being able to feel anything but good. I love stoicism. I love what I've become.

This blog entry might seem a little sad to all of you, and you might even feel sorry for me for not being able to feel anymore. But please, don't. I'm finally more content then I'll ever be living in New York, and I probably will be even more happy and content when I move. I'm at a good place, whether you think so or not. You're not me and don't understand my logic. I'll be surprised if you could understand anything in this entry haha!

Life is good. I'm ok.

I hate New York

As the days go by, I find myself growing with hatred for the state of New York.

I recently was searching around the internet and found that the U.S census voted New York as one of the worse states to live in: I think I know why.

From the people, to the government and politics, New York is shit hole of a state to live in. Not only do we have a poor health insurance system, lots of crime, no good public transportation systems (except in the City) and insanely over priced everything, but we also have when the worse education systems in the country and the only state in the union that has "Regents." I'm so glad that I stumbled upon some colleges and universities in Boston that have a good reputation for what I want to major in. I'm so tired of living here. But for me, it's not so much as my surroundings that really get to me, but it's the people that really piss me off!

In the area of New York that I live in (downstate, NYC metro area), it is very easy to drive to Connecticut or New Jersey because they're not so far away. Whenever my sister and I visit Connecticut (it's only 30 miles away) we also find that the people who live and work there also seem happier and nicer. I also experienced the same type of atmosphere when I was on vacation in New Jersey. My friends and I were going grocery shopping at a local Stop and Shop and went to go get some cold cuts at the deli. When we got there, we ended up having a really nice conversation with the butcher that was taking our order. He was just so nice and funny and just a great guy to talk with. While we were talking to him, I couldn't help myself but to think about how the same situation would NEVER happen back home in New York. It was extremely rare to find someone who isn't rude where I live let alone have a decent and friendly conversation with them!

Why is that New York has such horrible people living in it? Is it because the environment has caused everyone to be unhappy? High prices and bad education making everyone miserable? I know those things would make me not such a nice person.

But as I thought about it more and more, I found that it's not just people's attitudes and manners that are horrible in New York. It's also their general personalities. Everyone seems to be so stupid and awful. It's very rare to find someone that isn't retarded or into smoking pot all day and killing millions of brain cells. I also think that people try so hard to be things and to act a certain way that they start to loose sense of who they are as a person. Conformity at it's finest! No one has a personality anymore, it's all acts and morals of other people that just get past on from person to person. It's like some sort of sick heritage that gets past down to everyone that comes in contact with it. It angers me so much to be surrounded by such idiots and horrible human beings. Even COMEDY is copied! People don't even have their own sense of humor anymore, they just copy what other people find funny and then plant it into their subconsciouses. It's disgusting! I don't understand how people can endure it all their lives and not be pulling out their hair from the scalp.

Another thing that seems to be common in the citizens of this pathetic state is the lack of wanting to succeed in life. I am constantly reminded of this by my so-called "friends." Most of them seem to be content with living mediocre lives, working at Burger King, making minimum wage. This, to me, is one of the most low life, poor, garbage, worthless things I've ever heard of in my entire life. I think everyone should want to succeed in life, regardless of what their current position is. Why is it that I feel like I'm the only one who wants to get out of here and make something of themselves?

I really cannot wait until I get to move to Boston, that is, if I get accept to any of their colleges that I want to apply and transfer too. It would be one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life; to get out of this state and leave be hide all it's misery and it's pathetic citizens. I honestly think that no matter what I do here I'll never be able unless I leave New York. I can honestly feel it in my bones.

My heart is sore

I don't mean to close the door
But for the record, my heart is sore


Christmas was yesterday. I think it was one of the worse Christmases I've ever had in my entire life. Not that I didn't get what I wanted or didn't get anything good, I did. But, there was just something about it that didn't seem like all the other Christmases. Maybe, because I'm growing up, all the magic that used to be in Christmas is slipping away? Is this what's going to happen with everything that was exciting when you were younger? All the life, the meaning, the excitement, the happiness, everything gets sucked out and replace with blahness and generics? If this is what's to come of everything, please don't let me get so old to the point where my world is in black and white 24/7.

Good news is, I got about $1200 from my college from Financial Aid that I filed for over the summer and it's JUST getting to me now. I suppose it's what's left over from what I had before or something. I'm really glad I got it because I really need to use it to buy a new computer. The computer I'm typing on write now is just begging to die and every single computer that my sister has ever gotten a hold of, she's destroyed. We had a laptop that has a really nasty virus on it that I can't get rid of no matter what I try. I guess all of that doesn't matter now because I am getting my own computer finally. Everyone my age has had their own and it's about time that I had my own as well. So excited to get it actually. I'm actually just waiting for the checks to clear in the bank and then I'd be able to purchase my macbook online (:


Another thing that I've been talking about on and on and on again throughout this journal thing, that no one reads anyways and doesn't even want to bother to read, is relationships. I really thing I sound so pathetic in saying this but I really want to be in a relationship. I think I've narrowed down the reasons to more logical ones that make more sense to how I'm feeling about the whole situation. I want to be in a relationship, not because I want to be happy. Relationships don't bring happiness, happiness is in yourself. I don't need someone else to make me happy. I'm perfectly capable of making myself happy. I think it's really wrong to just want to be in one just so that the other person can make you happy. Why I really want to be in one is because I'm severely lonely. I feel so alone to the point that I can almost convince myself that I'm the last man on Earth. I can hear the silence in the world right at this very moment. My loneliness isn't even about being physically alone either, it's more to due with emotional and mental loneliness. I have yet to find someone who understands me at the deep levels that I need to be understood. I haven't connected with anyone, not even with friends. I often find myself thinking that there's something wrong with me because I haven't had this connection. Is there really anything wrong with me or is there something wrong with everyone else?


I feel that if I was in a relationship, I'd be able to get connected with that person on the levels I need to be connected with and won't feel so alone anymore. It truly is a horrible feeling that I've been having for most of my teenage years, or rather my "enlightenment" years. I really want to meet the perfect person for me. I don't know if I believe in soul mates, but I do believe in connection. I want connection so badly that I'll practically do anything for it. I'm constantly reaching out to people who don't want to reach out to me. It's a mind shattering emotion that I hate enduring every single day of my life. You would think that after a while the pain would grow numb and stop hurting, but this type of emotion continues to have all it's strength and mind shattering power within it. I often try to turn to drugs in order to ease up on this constant horning reality. I feel like they help me leave this world and enter a new one just so I can take a break from the pain. I know they are not the way to do this but I really have no other choice. It's either drugs or go insane, and I'm too vulnerable to endure anything major in my life right now or stressful. I want out of this world so badly.

Where is my perfect person? Where is my knight in shiny armor? Who is going to come and rescue me from my dark depths? I often think that this person is never going to come and that I will be forever lost in the darkness.

I know everyone says "be patient" and that "it'll happen" and I know they all truly believe that it will happen to me someday, but deep down inside I feel this horrifying emotion right down in the pit in my stomach that I'm going to be alone forever or for a very long time. I know it sounds crazy and that I can't possibly know if that's true or not but this feeling is so great and unlike anything I've ever felt before, almost as if it's a warning of some kind, telling me what lies ahead on my path of life.

I really don't know what's going to happen to me in the future. All I can do is hope for the best and try to survive.



You blew through me like bullet holes,
Left stains on my sheets and stains on
My soul.

Now Lay Me Down To Sleep

"Into this wild abyss,
The womb of nature and perhaps her grave,
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire,
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless the almighty maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds,
Into this wild abyss the wary fiend
Stood non the brink of hell and looked a while,
Pondering his voyage..."

- John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book 2

My life right now cannot be described using any words in the English language and possibly no words in any other language. It is a giant black hole sucking and feeding away at my inner being. Each time it opens, a little bit more of me is warn away. I don't know what to do with myself these days. Everything seems to be falling apart. What am I going to do?

I'm starting to prepare my mind mentally for when I'm going to be alone forever. I'm trying to get used to the idea of loneliness and I'm starting to do things more independently to practice it. I wish stoicism was a class at college because I'd so take it. I hate dealing with emotions as I've mentioned before in previous posts. Everyone that wants me in this area is so disgusting. I'm a little insulted at the fact that they think they have a change with me. What kind of person am I being perceived to be? I wish I wasn't me sometimes so I can look at myself and see who I am really and how I come off to people. What stalkers.

The ones that I want? They don't live around here, they live at least an hour away. The person I used to like who lived upstate turned out to be an ignorant, arrogant, ugly nobody. What was I thinking even considering them? They must have been a desperation attempt. The people I like now are a little closer than the previous crush and I have a lot more in common with them. They only thing that's a problem is actually MEETING up with people.Why is it such a big project just to get together with people these days? I feel so unimportant that people can't even incorporate me into their everyday lives. If I don't mean enough for us to even physically meet, than why bother with you in the first place? It seems that everyone is too busy to hang out with me or that no one even wants to hang out with me and get to know me. Could it be a sign that things aren't meant to be? I mean, if you can't even be bothered to make time to meet up then you obviously don't think me of any importance right? I just don't understand human beings these days. Everyone is so strange. I feel like I'm playing a game that I can never win at because everyone is just so mentally disabled. How can people play games with others' emotions? Maybe I'm just overly sensitive? So many questions and no answers. Where do I belong in this universe? Surely not this one.

Sometimes I often feel like I'm from a parallel universe of fantasy because this world does not relate to my mind in any way possible. Things are so boring and plain. I often play video games and read books that have to do with other worlds with magic and enemies, other universes etc because I feel that reality is too depressing and awful. I love putting my conscious into these fantasy worlds because it makes me feel like I'm getting away from it all. I love immersing myself and forgetting about everything else. I have yet to meet someone like me on this planet that is the same way. I truly think I am unique; however, I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

I'm currently reading a book called "The Golden Compass" it's one of the "His Dark Materials" trilogy books. It's supposed to be really good and I loved the motion picture that was out a couple years ago and has become one of my favorite moves. The book is supposed to have a hidden meaning about religion and how it controls people apparently. I was surprised to find that it was in the children's section of Barnes and Noble.

I need strength, just like Lyra.

Bottle of arsenic looking too friendly.

My life right now has been just a sack of nothingness. I wake up, eat, go to school, come home, eat, go to bed. That's it, and nothing else. I have no friends these days and one of my other good friends is actually moving away to California soon so that's another friend that I can't count anymore. I don't hang out with anyone. I just sit at home and do work or play video games. I have no social life or romance life (a joke to even think I'd have one)and I simply don't know how I'm going to go on if the rest of this year is like this. I'm hoping that Christmas time will brighten my mood up and start to get me to look at things more positively instead of negatively. But can you blame me based on the circumstances? It's almost like I'm making a movie staring me as the main actor and I'm the one looking in through the camera eye glass. But instead of liking the movie, I'm looking at it in disappointment.


Right now in my life, I am no where near where I wanted to be. A couple of years ago, this would not have been what I had in mind. I am so not where I want to be either. I was expecting myself to be off in Europe somewhere studying ancient Norse or something in a London University or going to Paris and seeing if I can get a photo pass to shoot models at fashion runway shows. Living in New York still was no where near what I wanted. I know I'm only 18 years old but I have such big expectations for myself that I think I'm going to continually get disappointed with everything that life throws at me.

On top of all of this that's going on, I'm beginning to really like someone (romantically) who lives 3 hours upstate. What's even worse is that they don't have a phone or any mode of transportation to come visit me or something so we can finally meet up and get to know each other without the obstacle of a computer screen. I also am beginning to think they're getting irritated with me because I'm so pushy and impatient to meet up and I also think that they don't like me as much as I like them. They are everything I want in someone that I would consider dating yet they live so far away. I'm not even sure I'm doing the right thing and letting myself like them this much because it might end up with me getting screwed over again. They did tell me that they were not like others and I hope they're right but so far everything is getting to the point where it's hard to take it seriously. I just hope my false hope isn't going to screw me over in the end. I always do this myself, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I need to move.

Irritation to the maximum

Ok, some things certain people are doing currently in my life are pissing me the fuck off. It seems that everything is irritating me these days and I really just need to rant about them on here for a few paragraphs or so. I really don't care if these people read this either, the truth needs to be told.

First of all, I will talk about how people randomly switch personality moods REALLY quickly? Like, so quickly that it makes you start to wonder how they made it this far in life without medication? One moment, you'll want to talk to me and want to hang out and blah blah, and get together. They'll be texting me all the time and saying how they can't wait to get together and it's been so long. So after that little family-type reunion, you think "oh, I guess this 'friend' is really cool and stuff and I have nothing to do right now, so why not just text them?" So you go to text them back, and the entire mood changes. They're replying with one-word texts, everything is very vague and not specific. And I'm just sitting there, confused as fuck, and have no idea what the fuck is going on. Has this ever happened to anyone? This isn't the first time something like this has happened with the same person, it's been multiple times. I remember one time they were being very blunt. I sent a text message saying like "Hey, whats up?" you know, basic etiquette and such. And then I'll here my phone ring that I have a new message and the reply is a FUCKING QUESTION MARK. Wha? Huh? Are you kiddin' me!? Excuse me? I just really want to know if this specific person has any kind of mental disorder in their family, or if they are mentally disturbed in anyway because I'm at a blank. At this point in time, after all of these events, I am simply confused out of my mind! Like, are you serious? Fer real? You're really going to say shit like that after we just had a fun little Brady Bunch reunion a few days or weeks ago? I'm just really dumbfounded! Like, I can see if they were doing something important or they were driving etc. but you would think that if they were doing any of those the reply's would just be short and not RUDE. I can go on and on about this for hours, but I really don't have the time. You guys basically get the general idea though. Sometimes humans baffle me.


Something else that gets me, almost more than the what I stated above, is how people say that they want to hang out and then never do anything about it? Now, this might seem similar to what I was talking about previously, but the situation that I'm stating right now doesn't have anything to do with the person/people being rude. They just don't say anything. It does seem similar but at least these people aren't being rude and I actually have a good feeling that they're being real and really want to hang out and aren't just trying to make conversation. But this particular phenomenon really bugs me because I really really want to hang out with these people that never seem to step up to what they say they want to do! It's always the really interesting people that I've recently met and that we have a lot in common with each etc etc and I just would really like to discuss things with them and see their opinions on different events and interests. Is that too much to ask? It frustrates me enough that I barely have any friends that share similar interests with me, now that I've finally found some people that I can relate to almost everything with, you're going to bail out on me? Why did you even suggest hanging out in the first place? Just to be nice? Like, I don't see the logic behind it. If you aren't serious about what you're suggesting to me, then don't say it! I take everything everyone says to me, to heart. I always think people are being serious. That's one of the reasons I don't like sarcasm and think it's degrading and childish. Like, come on now. We're all adults now. Imagine going up to a co-worker and suggesting to have dinner some time this week, and you just ignore it later on? You'd probably eventually be the person no one wants to make plans with in the future.

Alright now, this particular scenario in my life has gone on recently. It's about me and a very good friend of mine who recently has been engaging in sexual activities with someone else for the first time and they're 18 years old. When I say sexual activities, I mean just kissing and making out and nothing else. So anyways, this person usually comes to either me or another good friend of mine to confine in to tell what she has recently done. And I'm cool with that because I remember how exciting and also scary it is to experience that "closeness" with someone else. So at first I'm listening and giving me opinion and so on and so forth, but I notice that when she is telling me what she has done with this other individual, it's almost like she expects some kind of "WOW OMG" reaction out of me? like she wants me to be like surprised? or in shock? She also makes it out to be this BIG GRAND THING! Every time she brings up the subject with me I'm thinking like "omg, she must've done something bad this time. Oh my god, did she have sex?" etc etc. Until, she tells me what she has done and my reaction in my head is "oh.....ok." Like, to me it really isn't that big a deal and I don't know why she thinks it is to tell me in such a dramatic way. I'm expecting something huge but instead I get something common and amateurish. It's like we're all in 6th grade again telling each other the taboo things we've done at a sleep over party or something, this is not normal college teenager conversation. The only logic explanation I have to why she's telling me what she has done in such a dramatic why, is that because it's her first time and she's never done anything like that before. But you have to ask yourself why you would think I would be surprised about stuff like that in the first place? We're all 18 and grown adults. We've been kissing and making out with other people since Middle School. It is just very confusing to me why, especially me with that stuff that I have done with others, you would think I would be surprised and shocked? Is it because it's you and you're known for being very private and not engaging in activities like that? I honestly will never know unless I ask the person myself, but I wouldn't know how to bring it up without coming at her in a somewhat hostile way in what I was saying. Oh well.


Now I will discuss something directly related to what I was discussing above. How this same friend had the nerve to say "I don't believe you" after I told her that I have done bad bad things (sexually) with people. Huh? Wha? Excuse me? I just tried to make you feel better by saying I have done more worse activities with other individuals, so that you wouldn't feel bad or feel dirty, and you're going to call me a liar? What the fuck? Seriously? Who would lie about things like that? Especially when they're not good things to be lying about. It's like lying when someone asks you if you wiped your tooshie after going number 2 and you said "no" but you really did. It is the same exact thing. Like, come on. Really? Why do you think that's a lie? Do you think that I could never "GET WITH" a lot of people? Oh my, let's not go there because I'm not a vain person, but I will brag when I need too. All you need to know is that I get what want, with people and with items ok? That's all you need to know. It's not like I need to try either, people come to ME, I don't chase after them. So if that is what you're thinking, that I can't get with anyone, then PLEASE think again. I also don't know if it was just because you're starting to feel big and bad just because you made out with some slightly overweight Asian emo kid. Like, I could see if it was like Cole Mohr or something but you went and got it on with a rump roast, it was no thanksgiving turkey. That's another thing, everyone that I have ever been with was hot and fine as hell. I would show pictures but I like to keep my sexual and relationship separate from my social friend life because I don't like mixing the two. Personally, I would not feel like it is a good thing to spread around information like that because I would be embarrassed, but if you're not embarrassed that's fine. I really don't know what the deal is with all this that happened. It just really offended me that someone could call me a liar when I told them something BAD that I have done to make them feel better about themselves. I really just don't understand what was going through her mind. I don't know if it was an ego boost from the rump roast. I don't know if it was the delusion that I can never get with a lot of people. I just don't know, but what ever it was it pissed me the fuck off and it's a shame that I didn't address it right there because I'm way too nice of a person.


Just some current issues that are happening with my life. This is really poorly written but that's ok because it's just a rant. Hope someone can relate to these situations in their life.

Dearly Beloved

Just a little poem thing I wrote.

Dearly Beloved.
We are gathered here today to embrace our fate.
The arms of time point to our dismay and water leaks from the windows.
The sound of glass against our skin is soothing.
Warm crimson reminds us of our term.
It greets us with unknown or forgotten emotion.
Stand back now and let it consume your being.
The soul will stream out into the night
Slowly releasing those armies of tears.
And you will never feel again.

College and Zoloft

The weather outside is getting so nice. Cold and rainy just how I like it. You're able to wear pretty clothing when it's like that outside (:

I don't even know where to start so the sequence of events might be out of order.

I started college in late August. The college I choose, however, I think was the biggest mistake of my life. It's in the middle of no where and I have to drive an hour just to get there. The people are all from upstate and they're very ugly, obese and not friendly. Everyone is very redneck looking. The probably only go shopping once a month and it's probably at like, Old Navy or Walmart. That's another thing, every there dresses so...K-Mart looking. For almost all of them I can just look at and can tell that I wouldn't like them. I'm so angry at myself. The only reason I actually wanted to go to this college was because I knew some friends that were going. Stupid me just doing it for FRIENDS. Stephanie is the only one I talk to though and sometimes we carpool out there. She seems to have made some friends but I haven't yet. I think it's because she kind of lives in the country and so do the other students so every gets along when they're from the same place? I live more south than her in more urban areas and I'm used to more city-like atmospheres. I don't even know. I don't even want to make friends. I just want to finish this year and get the fuck out as soon as possible. I also noticed that I'm more comfortable talking to adults than I am talking to people my own age? What's that about? You would think it'd be the opposite.

My friends from High School are slowly starting to un-interest me. They're getting more boring and no one is changing. It's like they've been the same for the last 4 years. Scary. Not to mention they're all very, poor? That sounds horrible to say because I'm not the wealthiest of people either. But I like to have friends that take pride in how they look and appear. And the ones that do have money don't use it on things to make themselves look better. I take pride on how I look, even when I don't have money to buy some things. Appearance gives the people around you a sense of how you feel about yourself, and I want people to know that I feel damn good about myself. People tell me all the time that my friends don't seem like the kind of people that I would be friends with. Sometimes I get irritated when they say that because I do love my friends, truly. But I still know what they mean when they say that and I can't bear to not agree slightly.

I'm so eager to move and to get out of this place. I want to meet more interesting people and less American-ish people with no brains or intellect. I want to be able to have coffee out whenever and talk about anything and have them be as interested in it as I am. There's only been around 2 people that I've met that are exactly like that. I'm sick of people not being able to have time for me. I'm sick of doing things by myself all the time. I'm sick of living at home. I'm sick of not having money to do what I want. I'm sick of being single. I'm sick of EVERYONE. There are so many things in my life that bother me that it's beginning to be impossible to stay happy for a long moment of time. God I hate my life.

Another thing that has evolved in my personality, is that I have become a slag. I've never hooked up with this many people ever. I feel so dirty and disgusting. I don't even know why I'm doing it. Just the other day I drove 45 just to "play" with someone that I've never met before and only met through the internet. I'm getting scared for my health and don't know whether or not I should get a test for an STD. I really am falling apart aren't I? I need someone to balance me out and show me direction. I'm like free falling snow flake, floating around where over the wind blows. I really need help.

Oh, the relationship department is, as always, empty. I've already accepted the fact that I'm going to die alone so.

Cheers everyone x

No Energy

They dance around me, refusing to cease. Going on a on, like a roundabout. I can't seem to feel why the feeling is negative. The consent taunting, the endless agony. The way the ocean sings to the beach. Beating on the rocks and slowly, withering them to sand. Feel as I do, feel with me. My pleading isn't enough to end these dances. They swarm like bees, stinging me here and there. Not enough to die, but just enough to bleed. Why are none of you, like me? Always someone to play with, always someone to exist.

Words come out with no meaning or feeling, stone dead is the linguistics that pour out of me. Pens and papers play with my desires, they call out to help, but I know it's no use. They won't come out, won't leave, won't pour out of me like they do with others. They sit, and breed. Making more and more. They rot away my insides and make my roots give out. I fall and fall. When will I stay down? Do they always grow back? Is this the cycle to my life. A beaten green. The dancers egg them on, to breed and multiply. Soon I will grow full, but I don't have the release of popping. The walls inside would just get stronger, and contain the rage and chaos. I will be just a vessel full of them. With dancers for fuel, I have no chance. I will fall gracefully to the ground.

No one will ever see the departed. Like all fall life, I will be forgotten.

End of my life

I am currently in one of the worse moods that I've ever been in my entire summer. It's like a felt before I went on holiday to New Jersey. It's as if a dark cloud as been pumped into my being. I'm having more mood swings than I can hardly think capable of someone having. I'm getting dirtier and doing things that I wouldn't have done before. I'm being an arse to my mother. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I should talk about my holiday? Maybe I shouldn't? Would it matter? No one really reads this anyways. Or if they did, they wouldn't care. I'm just some silly boy in some silly city just being silly.

I often thought that I could write whenever I wanted to and it would help me keep things in check, but it really doesn't. It just makes me more confused and makes me think more about things that really don't need deep thought. I waste so much thinking and feeling and I wish sometimes I can turn both of those things off in my brain so I'll be able to get on with my life and do what I need to do. It seems that I can't do anything, talk to anyone, go anywhere, without that person, place or thing, making me feel a certain way and cause a shit load of unnecessary thinking. God, someone needs to fix me. Although I'm not sure what needs to be fix. It's not like a need a psychologist or anything, I'm not crazy. Or unhappy. Yet, I'm not okay either. For instance, I don't even know why I'm writing all this because half of it doesn't make any sense. Am I really depressed? I have nothing to be depressed about. Ugh, where's the off button to my head.

I've been thinking a lot about whats going to happen to me when I get older. I have a rather good feeling that I'm going to end up alone. That's why I went to movies by myself yesterday. I did it so I'd get use to the feeling. Being alone. It doesn't seem so bad when you're enjoying what you're doing by yourself. Maybe it won't be that bad being alone? I've already accepted my faith. I know what you're probably saying (IF anyone actually reads this) "you're only 18, you have time." No, I don't. I could have all the time in the world, but I know I'm going to be alone in the end. That's the only conclusion and logical ending to my life. Things that happen to other people, don't happen to me. And that's a fact. So keep your positive comments to yourself because the only thing it's helping is yourself. They're useless to me.

Holiday was...refreshing? I guess. To be away from the noise and people. I kind of miss the people I was hanging out with at the house and who I was on holiday with. I miss the drunken nights and the random trips to Atlantic City. They want to go again in 3 weeks and I will not object to the idea. I miss the easy going life and the ocean breeze. I miss being away from home. I hate it here, I think it's the cause of all this fucked up thinking and emotion. Ha, hence the saying "home is where the heart is," well apparently, I don't like my heart aha. Actually that makes sense as I don't like being "in love" or having crushes on people.

I feel indescribable right now. Angry, sad, hurt, depressed. All for no reason. Like usual I feel alone. But I'm going to have to get used to that. I wonder how long it takes for someone to grow numb of emotion. There's a hole deep in me that just sits there and gathers crap. The more crap, the more messed up I become. I don't know how to seal the gap, I don't know how to some the crap from coming in. I don't know how to heal, or even where to heal because it seems that there's no one to blame. Maybe I made the hole. Self-destruction at it's finest. God, I'm like a psychologists play toy. The things they'd do to me aha. I think my mother would not hesitate to send me to one of those, I'm like, the perfect concoction. The perfect mix of things that can be "wrong" with someone. All stirred up and heated at the perfect temperature. Fit for psych-ward.

There's all these things brewed up in my head that I want to say but don't know how to say them so that they'd make sense. Emotion has no equivalent in speech, I found that out as a child. That's why we cry, the noise is the only form that our minds can convert, so that it makes sense to the outside world. The world beyond our minds.

I'm just rambling on now.

Please. Help. Me.

Depression

So, summer has officially started...yay? No.

Recently I've graduated from High School, oh yes, a day that I've been meaning to embrace since my junior year. It amazes me how much time you waste in school. Other countries have their kids starting college at around 16! I wish it was like that year, I wouldn't feel as though my teenage years have gone down the drain.

So, about summer. You know how in the winter time, people say that it causes depression because of the cold and the snow and the darkness? Well, my depression doesn't happen in the winter, it's the summer that causes me to be disgustingly depressed. I don't know what it is. I've been having weird ass mood changes, crying for no reason, random bursts of excitement just to go to the grocery store, suicidal thoughts, and all of the above.

God, I cannot wait for holiday in New Jersey, it's going to be amazing.

Love: Europe or bust?

I'm beginning to feel that I'll never be able to find the perfect person for me until I move out of New York. It seems to me like no matter what I do I don't get the attention I want from people that I like. It also seems that the people here are attracted to-to put it rather bluntly-idiocy and stupidity. It's as if the more..gross? you are, the more people want you. Isn't that a bit, say, opposite? as to what people are really supposed to be going after?

What depresses me more is when people, who you think no one would want, would seem to get people faster and more likely then you've ever done in your entire life. I mean people who are, fat, sloppy, ugly, irritating and down right revolting, find it so easy to find mates. Sometimes the person is rather, and is revolting as well, but sometimes the person is actually pretty decent. So I ask myself-what am I doing wrong? I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I mean, I wouldn't say I'm the most attractive thing on the planet yet I don't think I'm entirely hideous looking. I'm smart, funny. I don't think I'm, in any way, irritating. If anything it's everyone else that irritates me. I always help out friends and try to give them advise with problems. In the relationship department I'd say I'm fairly decent. I listen, love, comfort. Always thinking about the other person first, how I can make them happy and what not. I don't ask for much. Little things people do for me excite me. The most littlest things. I ask again, what am I doing wrong? Do people really just want what I stated before? Stupidity and idiocy? Badly-dressed, rude, "dirty" people?

And then I ask myself this simple simple simple: Could it be because I live in New York? Because I live in America? I country filled of disgust and arrogance. Negativeness and ignorance. Living in a country with such people obviously wouldn't make someone expect much of its' citizens. Now let's not get stereo-typical here. Sure, that MIGHT be the majority of the people in this country, but aren't there always some that contradict the main stereotype?
And if so, where are these guardian angels of mine?

If there are some of those people out there, then they certainly aren't where I live. Or I haven't been looking properly, which is to say, a bit unreasonable considering how concerned I am on the matter.

Now, I shouldn't be concluding my idea on the very un-reliable source that I have. But after a few myspace and facebook profiles and some brief internet chatting and exchange of ideas, I've found that people from Europe are, well I'll just say it, FUCKING amazing.

They're all so...genuine. So lovely. Even the way they talk (or type) and their wordings is cute. On top of all that they're extremely polite and interesting, not at all creepy and they do not say awkward things they make it hard to figure out what to reply with. What I personally like about the ones I've talked to is that they always ask "How are you?." I can't explain how much of a lack of that question is in normal American conversation. I think it's due to the fact that everyone here doesn't care about anybody but themselves and couldn't be bothered to even care about the well being of another human being. Another thing I've found about Europeans, is that I find that I can connect to how they feel about certain ideas and feelings and emotions. It's like they're been typing a diary about my OWN life, yet it's about their lives. That feeling is one feeling that I, no matter how "close" I try to come with an American, cannot grasp or feel. I cannot CONNECT with anyone. Connecting is very important to me because I often feel alone all the time, I cannot even express how alone I feel. And connection means that I won't have to be alone. Maybe that's the type of person I should be looking for, someone who feels as alone as I do, so that maybe we can be alone together or make it so that neither one of us can be alone again?

The more I think about it the more I become depressed. Because, as much as I want it to happen, I wouldn't be able to move to England or any other part of Europe again for a longe time. Everything in this world is so difficult to do and too time strenuous. People should just be able to have the money to do whatever they want and then move where ever as long as they can afford it, and that should be the end of it.

So I guess I'm afraid that love for me will have to wait until I get off this rock. Either that or try and strain to find the least bit of life still living on this continent, and take that life and use it as wisely as I can. Kind of like being alone in a house at night with no electricity and try using a candle to light my way from room to room.

Prom and such.

WELL, last night was my sister's prom and everything with everything that was going on and how "big of a deal" it was, I was SO SO thankful that I hadn't gone to my prom last year. I would've end up getting really angry and fed up with everyone and end up alone at the end of the night.

So before the Prom we gathered at my sister's friend's house. There is when we took pictures and what not, got all hibby-gibby, wait for the Limo and then all said goodbye. It was interesting actually to watch everyone get in and drive away. I kind of wanted that feeling of getting in a Limo and going to a fancy party and what not but I wouldn't want all the bullshit stuff that goes along with a Prom as well. Oh well, she came home and said she had a good time. My mother and I were slightly concerned with the way she treated her date (who drove all the way from Vermont just to go to the prom with her) she basically "ditched" him when they got to the prom and when we confronted her about treating him with such rudeness she simply stated that he's "weird." So that makes being rude to someone because they're a bit different ok? Kids these days have no respect to people. It's a bit upsetting really.

Well that was that day. I hadn't gone to school either because I knew no one was going to be there, so I didn't bother. For some reason I'm starting to hate all of my "friends." All of them, to me, just irritate the living hell out of me. They wouldn't even have to do anything irritating, just their mere existence was annoying to me. Isn't that ridiculous to feel about people who are your friends? I think so. Maybe I'm just getting so tired of the same people everyday. I'm not one to take friends seriously. Its not like other people, where as when one of their friends goes missing or stops talking to them for a little while, they go all out loopy. Friends just aren't that big of a deal to me. Or maybe that's because I haven't found the right friends to take to heart yet? Which is most likely the reason. I mean, I know I'm slightly cold hearted, but that NOT cold-hearted (: I suppose it's because I don't really take friends that go to my school seriously. They're a bit more like acquaintances, people to hang with when there's no one else. I can't help feeling that way, it's just how I feel.

I'll give you an example of someone that I'm irritated with right now. My one friend (who, as always, shall remain nameless) is hanging around with another woman who I despise and I HATE when my friends do that. Am I wrong for doing so? I talked to my other friends about this and they say that I'm being a bit harsh and a baby, yet I spoke with my sister about this whole ordeal and she said I'm not wrong in the slightest bit, and that me ignoring my friend for a little while, is perfectly fine. I also spoke to other friends outside my school and they also agree with me and my sister. So I going with their views on it. I'm not doing anything wrong and it's perfectly fine to be irritated with someone who is, supposedly, your friend and is hanging out with someone you hate with all your heart. I mean, say this situation to yourself and ask yourself, am I really being unreasonable? I don't think so in the slightest bit. So if my friends in school think I'm being a bit unreasonable and a baby and so on and so forth, then they can kiss my ass. I cannot stop feeling what I'm feeling just so someone doesn't want me to be angry with them. That's like asking someone to fall out of love with someone just like that .:: snap::.

I haven't been writing on this site in a while and I sure wish I did more. It helps me sort of my ideas and thoughts so I don't make decisions based on emotions, and, like always, make a fool out of myself and end up doing something I'll regret doing later.

That's all going on for now. Hope to write another entry soon.