My heart is sore

I don't mean to close the door
But for the record, my heart is sore


Christmas was yesterday. I think it was one of the worse Christmases I've ever had in my entire life. Not that I didn't get what I wanted or didn't get anything good, I did. But, there was just something about it that didn't seem like all the other Christmases. Maybe, because I'm growing up, all the magic that used to be in Christmas is slipping away? Is this what's going to happen with everything that was exciting when you were younger? All the life, the meaning, the excitement, the happiness, everything gets sucked out and replace with blahness and generics? If this is what's to come of everything, please don't let me get so old to the point where my world is in black and white 24/7.

Good news is, I got about $1200 from my college from Financial Aid that I filed for over the summer and it's JUST getting to me now. I suppose it's what's left over from what I had before or something. I'm really glad I got it because I really need to use it to buy a new computer. The computer I'm typing on write now is just begging to die and every single computer that my sister has ever gotten a hold of, she's destroyed. We had a laptop that has a really nasty virus on it that I can't get rid of no matter what I try. I guess all of that doesn't matter now because I am getting my own computer finally. Everyone my age has had their own and it's about time that I had my own as well. So excited to get it actually. I'm actually just waiting for the checks to clear in the bank and then I'd be able to purchase my macbook online (:


Another thing that I've been talking about on and on and on again throughout this journal thing, that no one reads anyways and doesn't even want to bother to read, is relationships. I really thing I sound so pathetic in saying this but I really want to be in a relationship. I think I've narrowed down the reasons to more logical ones that make more sense to how I'm feeling about the whole situation. I want to be in a relationship, not because I want to be happy. Relationships don't bring happiness, happiness is in yourself. I don't need someone else to make me happy. I'm perfectly capable of making myself happy. I think it's really wrong to just want to be in one just so that the other person can make you happy. Why I really want to be in one is because I'm severely lonely. I feel so alone to the point that I can almost convince myself that I'm the last man on Earth. I can hear the silence in the world right at this very moment. My loneliness isn't even about being physically alone either, it's more to due with emotional and mental loneliness. I have yet to find someone who understands me at the deep levels that I need to be understood. I haven't connected with anyone, not even with friends. I often find myself thinking that there's something wrong with me because I haven't had this connection. Is there really anything wrong with me or is there something wrong with everyone else?


I feel that if I was in a relationship, I'd be able to get connected with that person on the levels I need to be connected with and won't feel so alone anymore. It truly is a horrible feeling that I've been having for most of my teenage years, or rather my "enlightenment" years. I really want to meet the perfect person for me. I don't know if I believe in soul mates, but I do believe in connection. I want connection so badly that I'll practically do anything for it. I'm constantly reaching out to people who don't want to reach out to me. It's a mind shattering emotion that I hate enduring every single day of my life. You would think that after a while the pain would grow numb and stop hurting, but this type of emotion continues to have all it's strength and mind shattering power within it. I often try to turn to drugs in order to ease up on this constant horning reality. I feel like they help me leave this world and enter a new one just so I can take a break from the pain. I know they are not the way to do this but I really have no other choice. It's either drugs or go insane, and I'm too vulnerable to endure anything major in my life right now or stressful. I want out of this world so badly.

Where is my perfect person? Where is my knight in shiny armor? Who is going to come and rescue me from my dark depths? I often think that this person is never going to come and that I will be forever lost in the darkness.

I know everyone says "be patient" and that "it'll happen" and I know they all truly believe that it will happen to me someday, but deep down inside I feel this horrifying emotion right down in the pit in my stomach that I'm going to be alone forever or for a very long time. I know it sounds crazy and that I can't possibly know if that's true or not but this feeling is so great and unlike anything I've ever felt before, almost as if it's a warning of some kind, telling me what lies ahead on my path of life.

I really don't know what's going to happen to me in the future. All I can do is hope for the best and try to survive.



You blew through me like bullet holes,
Left stains on my sheets and stains on
My soul.