"Into this wild abyss,
The womb of nature and perhaps her grave,
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire,
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless the almighty maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds,
Into this wild abyss the wary fiend
Stood non the brink of hell and looked a while,
Pondering his voyage..."
- John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book 2
My life right now cannot be described using any words in the English language and possibly no words in any other language. It is a giant black hole sucking and feeding away at my inner being. Each time it opens, a little bit more of me is warn away. I don't know what to do with myself these days. Everything seems to be falling apart. What am I going to do?
I'm starting to prepare my mind mentally for when I'm going to be alone forever. I'm trying to get used to the idea of loneliness and I'm starting to do things more independently to practice it. I wish stoicism was a class at college because I'd so take it. I hate dealing with emotions as I've mentioned before in previous posts. Everyone that wants me in this area is so disgusting. I'm a little insulted at the fact that they think they have a change with me. What kind of person am I being perceived to be? I wish I wasn't me sometimes so I can look at myself and see who I am really and how I come off to people. What stalkers.
The ones that I want? They don't live around here, they live at least an hour away. The person I used to like who lived upstate turned out to be an ignorant, arrogant, ugly nobody. What was I thinking even considering them? They must have been a desperation attempt. The people I like now are a little closer than the previous crush and I have a lot more in common with them. They only thing that's a problem is actually MEETING up with people.Why is it such a big project just to get together with people these days? I feel so unimportant that people can't even incorporate me into their everyday lives. If I don't mean enough for us to even physically meet, than why bother with you in the first place? It seems that everyone is too busy to hang out with me or that no one even wants to hang out with me and get to know me. Could it be a sign that things aren't meant to be? I mean, if you can't even be bothered to make time to meet up then you obviously don't think me of any importance right? I just don't understand human beings these days. Everyone is so strange. I feel like I'm playing a game that I can never win at because everyone is just so mentally disabled. How can people play games with others' emotions? Maybe I'm just overly sensitive? So many questions and no answers. Where do I belong in this universe? Surely not this one.
Sometimes I often feel like I'm from a parallel universe of fantasy because this world does not relate to my mind in any way possible. Things are so boring and plain. I often play video games and read books that have to do with other worlds with magic and enemies, other universes etc because I feel that reality is too depressing and awful. I love putting my conscious into these fantasy worlds because it makes me feel like I'm getting away from it all. I love immersing myself and forgetting about everything else. I have yet to meet someone like me on this planet that is the same way. I truly think I am unique; however, I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.
I'm currently reading a book called "The Golden Compass" it's one of the "His Dark Materials" trilogy books. It's supposed to be really good and I loved the motion picture that was out a couple years ago and has become one of my favorite moves. The book is supposed to have a hidden meaning about religion and how it controls people apparently. I was surprised to find that it was in the children's section of Barnes and Noble.
I need strength, just like Lyra.
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