Bottle of arsenic looking too friendly.

My life right now has been just a sack of nothingness. I wake up, eat, go to school, come home, eat, go to bed. That's it, and nothing else. I have no friends these days and one of my other good friends is actually moving away to California soon so that's another friend that I can't count anymore. I don't hang out with anyone. I just sit at home and do work or play video games. I have no social life or romance life (a joke to even think I'd have one)and I simply don't know how I'm going to go on if the rest of this year is like this. I'm hoping that Christmas time will brighten my mood up and start to get me to look at things more positively instead of negatively. But can you blame me based on the circumstances? It's almost like I'm making a movie staring me as the main actor and I'm the one looking in through the camera eye glass. But instead of liking the movie, I'm looking at it in disappointment.


Right now in my life, I am no where near where I wanted to be. A couple of years ago, this would not have been what I had in mind. I am so not where I want to be either. I was expecting myself to be off in Europe somewhere studying ancient Norse or something in a London University or going to Paris and seeing if I can get a photo pass to shoot models at fashion runway shows. Living in New York still was no where near what I wanted. I know I'm only 18 years old but I have such big expectations for myself that I think I'm going to continually get disappointed with everything that life throws at me.

On top of all of this that's going on, I'm beginning to really like someone (romantically) who lives 3 hours upstate. What's even worse is that they don't have a phone or any mode of transportation to come visit me or something so we can finally meet up and get to know each other without the obstacle of a computer screen. I also am beginning to think they're getting irritated with me because I'm so pushy and impatient to meet up and I also think that they don't like me as much as I like them. They are everything I want in someone that I would consider dating yet they live so far away. I'm not even sure I'm doing the right thing and letting myself like them this much because it might end up with me getting screwed over again. They did tell me that they were not like others and I hope they're right but so far everything is getting to the point where it's hard to take it seriously. I just hope my false hope isn't going to screw me over in the end. I always do this myself, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I need to move.