College and Zoloft

The weather outside is getting so nice. Cold and rainy just how I like it. You're able to wear pretty clothing when it's like that outside (:

I don't even know where to start so the sequence of events might be out of order.

I started college in late August. The college I choose, however, I think was the biggest mistake of my life. It's in the middle of no where and I have to drive an hour just to get there. The people are all from upstate and they're very ugly, obese and not friendly. Everyone is very redneck looking. The probably only go shopping once a month and it's probably at like, Old Navy or Walmart. That's another thing, every there dresses so...K-Mart looking. For almost all of them I can just look at and can tell that I wouldn't like them. I'm so angry at myself. The only reason I actually wanted to go to this college was because I knew some friends that were going. Stupid me just doing it for FRIENDS. Stephanie is the only one I talk to though and sometimes we carpool out there. She seems to have made some friends but I haven't yet. I think it's because she kind of lives in the country and so do the other students so every gets along when they're from the same place? I live more south than her in more urban areas and I'm used to more city-like atmospheres. I don't even know. I don't even want to make friends. I just want to finish this year and get the fuck out as soon as possible. I also noticed that I'm more comfortable talking to adults than I am talking to people my own age? What's that about? You would think it'd be the opposite.

My friends from High School are slowly starting to un-interest me. They're getting more boring and no one is changing. It's like they've been the same for the last 4 years. Scary. Not to mention they're all very, poor? That sounds horrible to say because I'm not the wealthiest of people either. But I like to have friends that take pride in how they look and appear. And the ones that do have money don't use it on things to make themselves look better. I take pride on how I look, even when I don't have money to buy some things. Appearance gives the people around you a sense of how you feel about yourself, and I want people to know that I feel damn good about myself. People tell me all the time that my friends don't seem like the kind of people that I would be friends with. Sometimes I get irritated when they say that because I do love my friends, truly. But I still know what they mean when they say that and I can't bear to not agree slightly.

I'm so eager to move and to get out of this place. I want to meet more interesting people and less American-ish people with no brains or intellect. I want to be able to have coffee out whenever and talk about anything and have them be as interested in it as I am. There's only been around 2 people that I've met that are exactly like that. I'm sick of people not being able to have time for me. I'm sick of doing things by myself all the time. I'm sick of living at home. I'm sick of not having money to do what I want. I'm sick of being single. I'm sick of EVERYONE. There are so many things in my life that bother me that it's beginning to be impossible to stay happy for a long moment of time. God I hate my life.

Another thing that has evolved in my personality, is that I have become a slag. I've never hooked up with this many people ever. I feel so dirty and disgusting. I don't even know why I'm doing it. Just the other day I drove 45 just to "play" with someone that I've never met before and only met through the internet. I'm getting scared for my health and don't know whether or not I should get a test for an STD. I really am falling apart aren't I? I need someone to balance me out and show me direction. I'm like free falling snow flake, floating around where over the wind blows. I really need help.

Oh, the relationship department is, as always, empty. I've already accepted the fact that I'm going to die alone so.

Cheers everyone x