I am currently in one of the worse moods that I've ever been in my entire summer. It's like a felt before I went on holiday to New Jersey. It's as if a dark cloud as been pumped into my being. I'm having more mood swings than I can hardly think capable of someone having. I'm getting dirtier and doing things that I wouldn't have done before. I'm being an arse to my mother. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I should talk about my holiday? Maybe I shouldn't? Would it matter? No one really reads this anyways. Or if they did, they wouldn't care. I'm just some silly boy in some silly city just being silly.
I often thought that I could write whenever I wanted to and it would help me keep things in check, but it really doesn't. It just makes me more confused and makes me think more about things that really don't need deep thought. I waste so much thinking and feeling and I wish sometimes I can turn both of those things off in my brain so I'll be able to get on with my life and do what I need to do. It seems that I can't do anything, talk to anyone, go anywhere, without that person, place or thing, making me feel a certain way and cause a shit load of unnecessary thinking. God, someone needs to fix me. Although I'm not sure what needs to be fix. It's not like a need a psychologist or anything, I'm not crazy. Or unhappy. Yet, I'm not okay either. For instance, I don't even know why I'm writing all this because half of it doesn't make any sense. Am I really depressed? I have nothing to be depressed about. Ugh, where's the off button to my head.
I've been thinking a lot about whats going to happen to me when I get older. I have a rather good feeling that I'm going to end up alone. That's why I went to movies by myself yesterday. I did it so I'd get use to the feeling. Being alone. It doesn't seem so bad when you're enjoying what you're doing by yourself. Maybe it won't be that bad being alone? I've already accepted my faith. I know what you're probably saying (IF anyone actually reads this) "you're only 18, you have time." No, I don't. I could have all the time in the world, but I know I'm going to be alone in the end. That's the only conclusion and logical ending to my life. Things that happen to other people, don't happen to me. And that's a fact. So keep your positive comments to yourself because the only thing it's helping is yourself. They're useless to me.
Holiday was...refreshing? I guess. To be away from the noise and people. I kind of miss the people I was hanging out with at the house and who I was on holiday with. I miss the drunken nights and the random trips to Atlantic City. They want to go again in 3 weeks and I will not object to the idea. I miss the easy going life and the ocean breeze. I miss being away from home. I hate it here, I think it's the cause of all this fucked up thinking and emotion. Ha, hence the saying "home is where the heart is," well apparently, I don't like my heart aha. Actually that makes sense as I don't like being "in love" or having crushes on people.
I feel indescribable right now. Angry, sad, hurt, depressed. All for no reason. Like usual I feel alone. But I'm going to have to get used to that. I wonder how long it takes for someone to grow numb of emotion. There's a hole deep in me that just sits there and gathers crap. The more crap, the more messed up I become. I don't know how to seal the gap, I don't know how to some the crap from coming in. I don't know how to heal, or even where to heal because it seems that there's no one to blame. Maybe I made the hole. Self-destruction at it's finest. God, I'm like a psychologists play toy. The things they'd do to me aha. I think my mother would not hesitate to send me to one of those, I'm like, the perfect concoction. The perfect mix of things that can be "wrong" with someone. All stirred up and heated at the perfect temperature. Fit for psych-ward.
There's all these things brewed up in my head that I want to say but don't know how to say them so that they'd make sense. Emotion has no equivalent in speech, I found that out as a child. That's why we cry, the noise is the only form that our minds can convert, so that it makes sense to the outside world. The world beyond our minds.
I'm just rambling on now.
Please. Help. Me.
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