I really don't know anymore

Bodies disengage, our mouths are fleshing over.

Is this an echo game?
Irises retreating to ovals of white.

The urge to feel your face, and blood rushing to paint my handprint.

A Frisbee one by one;

Your vinyl on lamanent

Desperate for some kind of contact



I'm loosing the connection between me and my inner self. I don't know what's going on anymore. Who have I become? What am I doing? What has gotten into me?




I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I've been doing things that I never dreamed I would be doing a year ago or even a couple months ago. My life has completely shifted from what it was before. I only had my books, thoughts, and ideas for friends. I only went out when it was urgent. I only kissed people I knew for a long time. Everything is changing. I don't know if it's for the worse or the best. I'm not so sure that I want to become someone like this though. It doesn't feel like me at all. I feel pressured into doing these things, and I feel as though it's sucking the life out of me in a way. I can't sleep. I can't feel. I just am. I looked in the mirror today and saw the life leave my eyes for the very first time. It's almost like these experiences are hollowing me out. There is a very distinct empty feeling, almost a feeling of being a low person. My head hurts from thinking, my emotions are being caged my inner being so I don't go crazy. Even now, while sitting in this library, I feel like a lifeless sack of nothing. My eyes are droopy, my head is stuffy, my vision is foggy, and it's not because I'm getting ill either.

I guess life is all about finding yourself and this is just one of the steps I'm going to have to take on the path. It's such a confusing time and a very blank time. It's almost like I can choose who I want to be now and it will forever determine who I am to be as a person. The things I find myself doing at this time do not feel like me in a sense, yet they do. Maybe it's just a small part of myself that is coming out? Just a small part that hasn't had it's moment to shine and be acted upon? It's a possibility, but I'll never be able to know for sure. I just wish the feeling of myself would come back already. It's in the past now and not happening at this very moment, yet I still feel dead inside. I feel so pressured to be this new person because it's generally the stereotype. It's not me at all, but it's almost as if I don't adhere to it then I will forever be left alone. Untouched and barren. It's as if conformity is the only way I'll be able to be with someone, because face it; no one out there is my definition of perfect. I'll probably never meet them. I'll probably never have a monogamous relationship with someone. It's just inevitable for my future. I can feel it already and it hasn't even happen yet. I just wish there was someone there, just a friend, who can lift the spirit in me back up again. I hate feeling this way. I feel like a cum rag.

I'm just hoping things will get semi-back to normal soon. I'm happy that I'm going to Boston next week. It will be an amazing feeling to get out of this area for a day or two. I just need to get out. I wish there was someone I could talk to that will just listen to me and try not to make everything about the or about something else. I really think I should see a psychologist :l