Everything is beyond complicated

I haven't been writing on this blog in just so long, and I'm upset with myself for not doing so. It helps me so much to get the things that have been bothering me out of my head and onto something where I can read it and make better understanding of it.

So much has happened in my life that I have no idea where to start. From college, to relationships, to my future-everything is all over the place. I guess we'll just start with what is on my mind at the moment, shall we?

I'm stressing about where I'm going to study after college here in the states. I really want to study in Europe, England to be exact, but the process of doing so is so stressful. I'm going to apply to the University of Sheffield, University of Leeds, and University College of London. That way, if I don't get accepted to one, I'll be able to have a chance of getting accepted to another. I put the course of either "Linguistics" "Linguistics and Philosophy" or "Linguistics and Phonetics." I really hope I do get accepted to one these Universities because then I'll have to earn my undergraduate in the U.S; something I really DON'T want to do. But if it comes down to that horrible ordeal, I guess I could always have the option of getting my PhD somewhere outside the US. I really hope everything goes as planned, even though I know sometimes life almost never turns out the way you plan it out to be. Speaking of things not turning out the way you want them to be...

I've found myself torn within my own mind when it comes to, and I cringed upon pronouncing the word out loud, relationships. It's come to the point where one side of me longs for wanting someone to cuddle with at night while watching a movie, going out to the movies, having lunch with each other randomly during the week, and just being happy with someone. The other part of myself, the most realistic and logical part, is yelling at me. It constantly tells me that there's no such thing as love, that there's no point in having a relationship because it all just ends in shit anyways. That I don't need anyone because I'm better than that. That I'm going to end up alone anyways because no one could ever possibly like or even love someone like me. And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying to make people feel sorry for me or any other crap like that. I truly feel it in my soul that no one could ever find an interest in me because, basically, I'm not interesting. I like language, and I spend my free time learning grammar and other "boring" things of that nature that humans have ignorantly labeled as. If someone is interested in me, they only want to get into my pants. What's even more disturbing is that I feel like I have to do sexual things with them in order for them to notice me or even just like me. It's kind of sad in a way. I know it's not a good thing to feel this way. But what can I do? It does work, and I do get that slight bit of closeness with someone that I crave. Not TOO MUCH harm done, right..?

It seems that these both sides of my head are constantly playing tug-o-war with my actions and responses to the outside world. Which side do I choose? Does it really even matter? Does anything matter anymore? What's more important in life? Being happy with someone else? Or being happy by yourself?

It doesn't help either that I've been meeting people left and right who try and flatter me with compliments. It confuses me so much. What do these people want with me? Surely I'm just another "piece of ass." Right? But, others have expressed sincerity in the way they talk to me. They seem to want to really get to know me. The only problem is the whole process of getting to know someone. That's another thing that I'm just tired of going through. First you meet them online, then you exchange numbers for texting, then you call each other and talk once and a while, and then you finally meet in person. It's just tiring, boring, and I'm through with it. It almost seems to not be worth it anymore. I'm gone through this whole ordeal way too many times to just hit a dead end 9 out of 10 times. Everything is beginning to bore me. People are beginning to bore me.

So in a way, the part of me that says "the hell with relationships" is winning the epic fight. It shouts and argues and pushes it's opinions onto my existence. The other side is weaker-more prone to infection. It's sensitive and longing. Lonely and curious. Hopeful and faithful. Depressed and forgotten. Suppressed and oppressed. It's the part of me that I bury deep within my existence for the sake of my own sanity. Because if I let this side run free, I'd be a wreck. I'd be constantly depressed, unhappy, crying all the time, a push over, a longer, and a person who's easily overlooked. It makes me weak and more vulnerable. Even when I suppress this part of my consciousness (at least that part that I can control), I still have symptoms of it in my "strong" persona. It bubbles up every now and then, and I have to bury it back down deep within me again. I know that this isn't a healthy thing to be doing, but it's the only way I can get on with my life acting somewhat "normal" and not a crazy overemotional teenager. It's how I've come this far in life without breaking down, ending up in a mental hospital, or becoming victim to someone's mind games.

Everything is beyond complicated. I just hope everything works out in the end and that I'm at least sane when all the hecticness is over.