Prom and such.

WELL, last night was my sister's prom and everything with everything that was going on and how "big of a deal" it was, I was SO SO thankful that I hadn't gone to my prom last year. I would've end up getting really angry and fed up with everyone and end up alone at the end of the night.

So before the Prom we gathered at my sister's friend's house. There is when we took pictures and what not, got all hibby-gibby, wait for the Limo and then all said goodbye. It was interesting actually to watch everyone get in and drive away. I kind of wanted that feeling of getting in a Limo and going to a fancy party and what not but I wouldn't want all the bullshit stuff that goes along with a Prom as well. Oh well, she came home and said she had a good time. My mother and I were slightly concerned with the way she treated her date (who drove all the way from Vermont just to go to the prom with her) she basically "ditched" him when they got to the prom and when we confronted her about treating him with such rudeness she simply stated that he's "weird." So that makes being rude to someone because they're a bit different ok? Kids these days have no respect to people. It's a bit upsetting really.

Well that was that day. I hadn't gone to school either because I knew no one was going to be there, so I didn't bother. For some reason I'm starting to hate all of my "friends." All of them, to me, just irritate the living hell out of me. They wouldn't even have to do anything irritating, just their mere existence was annoying to me. Isn't that ridiculous to feel about people who are your friends? I think so. Maybe I'm just getting so tired of the same people everyday. I'm not one to take friends seriously. Its not like other people, where as when one of their friends goes missing or stops talking to them for a little while, they go all out loopy. Friends just aren't that big of a deal to me. Or maybe that's because I haven't found the right friends to take to heart yet? Which is most likely the reason. I mean, I know I'm slightly cold hearted, but that NOT cold-hearted (: I suppose it's because I don't really take friends that go to my school seriously. They're a bit more like acquaintances, people to hang with when there's no one else. I can't help feeling that way, it's just how I feel.

I'll give you an example of someone that I'm irritated with right now. My one friend (who, as always, shall remain nameless) is hanging around with another woman who I despise and I HATE when my friends do that. Am I wrong for doing so? I talked to my other friends about this and they say that I'm being a bit harsh and a baby, yet I spoke with my sister about this whole ordeal and she said I'm not wrong in the slightest bit, and that me ignoring my friend for a little while, is perfectly fine. I also spoke to other friends outside my school and they also agree with me and my sister. So I going with their views on it. I'm not doing anything wrong and it's perfectly fine to be irritated with someone who is, supposedly, your friend and is hanging out with someone you hate with all your heart. I mean, say this situation to yourself and ask yourself, am I really being unreasonable? I don't think so in the slightest bit. So if my friends in school think I'm being a bit unreasonable and a baby and so on and so forth, then they can kiss my ass. I cannot stop feeling what I'm feeling just so someone doesn't want me to be angry with them. That's like asking someone to fall out of love with someone just like that .:: snap::.

I haven't been writing on this site in a while and I sure wish I did more. It helps me sort of my ideas and thoughts so I don't make decisions based on emotions, and, like always, make a fool out of myself and end up doing something I'll regret doing later.

That's all going on for now. Hope to write another entry soon.

Rant and Rumble

I'm in a weird mood right now so I think I'm just going to go on a rant about random things right now.

I sat down today and thought about how disgusting humans are too me. And I know you're probably thinking "you're human" so let me rephrase. I think human thinking is disgusting. We pollute our Earth, have more violent behavior than any other animal on Earth, shun on another for being different, shun those who love people of the same sex, shun shun shun. We constantly just to separate ourselves into 2 groups of people, the "normal" and the "not-normal" personally that makes me want to throw up. There is no such thing as NORMAL. We are all different and we are all connected. We feel the same. Hurt the same. Love the same (some more passionately and different forms but you get the idea). We all have emotions that some people try to tuck away into the bellows of their mind because we don't want to feel. Some of us feel we're over burden with emotion. Some of us simply think we're hollow and cannot feel. Our interests are whats different. Can you imagine living in a world where everyone likes and dislikes the same thing? It would be like something out of the Twilight zone. Perfect society when theres no such thing as perfect. How dare people try to perfect one another. Everyone is fine the way they are. No ones defected, inadequate, not-normal, or not fit enough and have to be modify in some way. Sure life styles can be made "better" and we can teach one another. But there is a line with how much "bettering" you can do to someone. Changing someone to make their life better is one thing but trying to change who they are is another. Just because you don't like something or think something is disgusting or "not-normal" does not give you, in anyway, a right to try to "fix" who they are. I'm not talking about body type or clothing type or what someone likes to eat. I'm talking about deeper things.....blahblahblah

The above argument is something I often think about and an opinion that I have had as well. But you see, I cannot fine myself a common ground to stand on because I can argue with my own argument and prove myself wrong. Its almost like I have two different people in my head (no I'm not insane :) but its like I can argue with myself back and forth and never fine a common ground. Its like I'm challenging myself for the right answer that isn't there. All I come down to is something can be argued with again and again and eventually lead onto other things then can also be argued again and again and I'd get completely off topic in my own head. My conclusion on this on going "event" I guess you'd call it in my mind, is that every little thing is the result of other grander things that all come together and finally create a phenomenon that affects human beings. So therefore, all of our problems in the future are the result of mistakes that we're making in the present. Yet how are we supposed to know that we're making a mistake if we don't know the outcome because its in the future? Are we supposed to wait and learn from our mistakes? Or are we simply going to continue making mistakes and learning from them and having to deal with the negatives of that mistake? Constant problems? Negatives? Hurt? Pain? Always going to be there?

This goes back to my argument that nothing is perfect and will never be perfect. And you could also argue that as time goes on we become better and better at everything we do in existence. Yet if nothing is perfect, whats the point of getting more towards being perfect? Is there going to be some sort of time stop that will eventually be the event horizon for the human race? A point where perfecting and perfect come close but cannot meet because of the reasons I stated in the previous paragraph and our civilization growth will simply come to a halt? Dangling in space and time. A long path of error and error correcting. Or will we simply go on for eternity? On this never ending, pointless journey that can never be reached?


Perfect is a strange thing.

My experiment was a success.

My little experiment that I recently have concocted went out with a bang (literally). The amount of attention I received from that bulletin was amazing. Let me debrief you all of what the initial plan really was:

I had conducted an experiment consisting of a very (very) controversial bulletin involving someone with an illness in my school that could be life threatening. I didn't think it would even get to school because I have no one from my school on my myspace friend list because most of my friends live in Manhattan. BUT..it did get to school, and all went crazy. I was attacked by some stupid girl at lunch (who will remain nameless) that didn't know what she was talking about the entire time and I often had to stop mid-sentence just to process what she was saying. She contradicted herself, and was ugly and had the most obnoxious back-side I've ever seen in my entire life, but regardless, it was just a comical moment. I often thought how funny it would be to see this thing yelling at me from the other end of the lunch room aha. Afterwards, stuff went on like this for about a week and then died down. There were threats made against me, physically and verbally, people that I didn't know were talking about it. I was like, a celebrity really. The only thing about those whole scenario is how disgustingly fake the principal was about it. (let alone all the built up emotion I have with her for turning the school into a soft-core Nazi concentration camp, where you can't even move an inch in the hallway within getting in trouble for it). But my goal in this experiment was not to try and get attention or something childish in manner like that (I'm way too mature to stoop that low) my goal was something even more, something a bit socially argumentative, if you will.

Another thing that I find comical was how serious everyone was taking it. What the bulletin said, I didn't even feel that way. It was all completely absurd and out of context. I just took the most random thing in my mind and typed it in and sent it out. Even after being summoned to the principals office and having these rounds with people in the lunch room, I didn't give up. I still kept up the act. I couldn't back down now that the experiment was really getting up and taking effect. I almost felt like a scientist in a laboratory, examining his specimens at the peak of their actions. Not to sound too manipulative, but I felt like a puppeteer; every move the characters did were at my command. I wanted to see how far this thing would really go.

My main goal in this experiment was to see how much people REALLY cared about what other people think about them. Have you ever thought of how much other people shape us to be who we are? For example: With my experiment it was amazing how many people it had effected and bothered to the point that physical threats were made. Over a myspace bulletin? I couldn't fathom it. It was like I was the King of England or something, where as whatever I was to say had to go and had to matter. I would just sit and think about this whole ordeal and just think "why do these fools care about what I had to say?". I couldn't come up with any answer. Was it because of how controversial it was? Or was it just, because it was ME, that it mattered so much? Or could it have been that people just, like I said before, care way too deeply to what others think of them? Or was it simply just "mean" and "hurtful"? (The stupidest answer I think) Personally, I think it was the secound-to-last one. Because I see it like this, if someone else was to post the same bulletin about me, I asked myself, how would I feel? And I answered myself: I wouldn't care. Simple. But is that just me? Well, I have no idea and probably will never know.

I thought about this for a while within a week or two after this experiment took place. I came up with the conclusion: How much anger and violence and hatred could we all stop if we simply, stop caring about the thoughts that run through others heads'? Their not in your head, why bother about them? Just simply go on with your life. Worry about you and your loved ones. Maybe even their opinions about you won't matter as well. Sure we might all feel the need to get back, get revenge or feel angry or resentful. But it all comes down as to whether or not you care. Think about these things for a moment when something similar happens to you (hopefully not something I went through because I don't think any other person could've gone through that) but something like drama at school, or jealous boyfriends/girlfriends. See what happens when you try not to care about others who aren't worth to be bothered. Maybe something great'll happen and you'll finally be able to cope with life's curve balls a little better. Or maybe you'll hate it and just even get more angrier within even attempting to "not care". I recommend trying it and seeing what happens, but the choice it up to you.

Remember; when you don't try, you'll never know if you like it or not. (:

Hate? Not Allowed Here.

HATE? NOT ALLOWED HERE.

People need to hate me because they hate themselves. They want to believe the rumors about me because they don't have their own rumors. I'm here to stay, so get used to it and worry about yourself before you try and be negative towards me. Having honesty as a quality in yourself isn't something you should "shun" someone for. Its your problem, not mine. I'm the truth shoved up your nose and everyone knows it. And to be honest, no one likes the truth. I love how everyone can say what they want but once its my turn I have to keep quiet, because god forbid someone doesn't like MY opinion. And yet, you can care less what I think? I'm sorry but being contradicting isn't faltering. My life is mine, so why are you pretending to be in it? You pretend to know everything about me yet I never show you the whole thing. Not many people know me, they just THINK they do.

Is it jealousy? Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.

Everyday I grow stronger, smarter and the real picture paints itself in front me. Revealing the flaws, curves, cracks and punctures in all your disgusting lives. Let me delete your names and erase your faces out of my life. In the end it won't mean anything because you're all so insignificant, you're all so hopeless. You're all so ugly. You are all so pathetic.

I think things are looking up.

So ! I've been thinking a lot and doing a lot for my college since I'm going to be leaving High School in June, can't fucking wait. I HATE High School with ever fiber in my bones, I feel like I've been there forever and I just need to get the fuck out of there while I still have my sanity. I don't even know why I'm still here, I've had enough credits to graduate since I was in 10th grade. But according to the New York Education Department I need to have yearly rounds of Gym and Economics course and a whole bunch of other bullshit. I'm not so happy that I'm getting out and I won't ever have to come back to my filthy school ever again.

I'm thinking about dropping Photography and Environmental Science. Each one for almost the same reason. Both teachers don't take the class seriously; in photography we literally do NOTHING. No assignments. No class discussions or ANYTHING. And I have a really nice camera that my mom spent over $1000 for and I can't even put it to use, I just have to make up my own photography. Speaking of that, I think I've taught myself more about photography art than anyone I've ever known my age, and I highly doubt that I'd learn more taking the current class I've been taking. I want to major in fashion photography yet how am I suppose to play and improve my photo taking skills with a class that teaches inefficiently? Environmental Science isn't what I thought it would be either, we don't do anything. The courses are scattered and unorganized, the teacher doesn't take the class seriously. We have no talks on Global Warming or anything like that. It just irritates the living hell out of me and adds to my hatred of how my High School is ran. Again, god I can't WAIT to get out!

About college. I'm really excited. I've talked with my guidance counselor and she told me exactly what I needed to do and what not. She loved my idea of moving to the UK and studying abroad over there. And I told her about my friends living in Plymouth and how I could stay with them during my studies, rent free I might add. Just have to pay for food and what not and basic necessities. Which I will probably have covered since of course I will NEED to get a job. I can't rely on my funding from the American Dollar. Since its worth practically nothing in Europe, it'd probably won't be much anyways. She recommended me to study here for a year or two at a community college and then transferring to a UK college. And I agree with her. It gives me time to get used to the college life, and it gives me time to save up money to be going there too. I want to save up to at least $20,000. I want to be prepared in case something goes wrong and I want to be able to have a sufficient amount of funding for the college in the UK and enough money to get myself settled as well. I also plan to study for a while in France or Germany because I want to major in a language as well. So I think I'm going to be aiming for United Kingdom citizenship. That way I'll be a citizen of the European Union and it'll be easier to travel between countries. I am SO excited just thinking about it. I knew I never wanted to stay in the United States. I don't see myself here. I don't see myself at a regular job. I see myself traveling and going to exotic places. Cities. Countries. I love traveling and I love other places. Hopefully everything goes into plan and I'll be able to fulfill my dreams of getting out of this place.

I want to see the world. And staying in this corrupt country isn't going to let me do that.
I want out.

xo

Pro-life is ridiculous.

Since this is, supposedly, the day of silence for people who are against abortion, let me blow your minds with a strong dose of logical thinking. (:

Pro-life isn't pro-life, its anti-woman.

How come the people that are against abortion, people you wouldn't want to fuck anyways? (: How come when its us, its an abortion, and with a chicken, its an omelet?

Pro-life has no consistency in any argument. Its just another stupid way for the government to take away human rights and not being able to choose weather or not to keep a baby, which isn't even a person yet to begin with. Less than 24 weeks within the pregnancy an embryo doesn't even have thought, feelings, or even organs. In fact, it barely has anything to classify it has, well, anything. These neo-conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to 9 months. And then after that, they don't give a shit about you. They'll do anything for the unborn, but once you're born, you're fucked. If you're pre-born, you're fine, if you're pre-school, you're fucked. Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach military age, then they think you're just right. They want to have life babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. You don't see any of these rich white woman volunteering to transplant black fetus into their womb, do you? You don't see them adopting a whole bunch of crack babies, do you?

Is a fetus a human being?
If a fetus is a human being how come the census doesn't count it? If a fetus is a human being, how come if there's a miscarriage, they don't have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being how come people say "We have 2 children and one on the way" instead of saying "We have 3 children" ? People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and its a continuous process. Some people like to say that life begins at fertilization when the man ejaculates into the woman, but even the woman doesn't become pregnant until the egg reaches her womb and there's a greater chance that it won't even make it that far. 80% or a woman s fertilized eggs don't make it and go to get flush out during her period. So what these anti-abortionist people are telling us is that any woman having most than one period is a serial killer?!?!?!?

So many child are born into bad homes, especially younger woman having a baby between the ages of 13-18. If they give them for an abortion, some child sit in foster care for 10-18 years. Having no real family, moving from one family to another, one town to the other and probably have no consistent group of friends. Most children born with such young mothers are born into a drug-using environment as well, making the child submittable to health problems and other mental problems due to such an extreme household life. I know if I was a fetus and my mother was a 14 year old crack whore I'd say "abort me bitch !". I would not want to live my life in a foster home or orphanage, or even be adopted by some random family that you know nothing about. That's not a life, its torture. I don't think anyone has any say in what a woman's decision should be on abortion unless they've been through the experience of raising two or tree kids on minimum wage, been through their first labor pains and pregnancy. Then I'll hear what they have to say.

As for those of you who say that the ones having the baby are little teenage sluts, some aren't. Accidents happen. Rape. Mistakes. Good girls aren't perfect and can't prevent something stupid and regretful in their life's'. Condoms break. People make mistakes, they shouldn't have to live with that mistake their entire life's.As for sluts? Well, why should you punish their slut-ness with a baby? You rather have a child grow up in a disgusting household and have a disgusting life just to punish a sluts doing? I'm sorry, but people aren't weapons of punishment. I'd rather a sluttly/nasty/disgusting/prostitute/druggie have 20 pregnancies and 20 abortions rather than keeping all those children with her. Think about what those children would grow up to be, or what kind of life they'd have being the son/daughter of a crack whore. Most likely the child would die when the girl is drunk or something and she accidentally leaves the kid on a sidewalk somewhere, which defeats the entire arguement of having the baby in the first place, it'd probably die later one !

There are over 6 billion people on this planet that we live on, one less isn't going to hurt anything. In fact, it'd probably help out our problem of over population! Abortion is just biological term limits, thats all it is. We don't need anymore people in this world anyways. Crime, hatred, drugs, violence, ignorance, abuse, arrogance, religion (lol), domestic violence, gangs, suicides, stupidity, obesity, disgustingness, racism, homophobia, murder, naive people, money, greed, vengeance...why add to the rest in a world where we're all going to hell anyways?

Life

I haven't been writing on this website in ages and I really miss it because it helped me get things off my chest. So lets start shall we? (:

Where to begin ! So much stuff has happened since school started I don't even know where to begin. So school began, nothing much of a difference really. Same old school, same old ugly/disgusting people. And nothing seemed to impress me at all, it was awfully disappointing but I couldn't expect anything more.

Another thing happened, which I think I discussed about in other posts, is how amazingly I can cut people out of my life so quickly. Its amazing and somewhat sad on my part. It makes me think a lot. The thing is, I really don't get attached to anyone. I never let everyone out on anyone, never really have a best friend that I can tell anything to, and I never really have a steady group of friends that I hang out with that I could consider them to be "good friends". I don't know if its because I haven't found anyone that I like yet ? or maybe I'm just stuck in my own little world of Robbie-ness? I have no idea what it is. Or am I so cold hearted and vain that I refuse to socialize with anyone that I don't feel adequate enough to converse with me? Maybe I'll never know what the problem is unless I find that person that I can share things with. Maybe that's why I also feel so alone most of the time. Oh well. Hopefully I won't have to wait long for that to happen because I'm getting frustrated with all these low lives I have to socialize with just to get threw High School and not be considered a "loner". Anyways, the reason I'm saying all this is because my former best friend, Lindsay, was cut out of my life so quickly you wouldn't even know we knew each other at all in our entire life's. It truly amazes me what men do to woman. And yes, that's why we're not friends anymore. Cloud their judgment. Make them stupid. Fool them. And all for what? For "love"? Or are woman just longing to be with someone so badly that they just have to have them in their lives or else they'll go insane? I'm sorry, and no offense to any woman reading this but, that's pathetic. Woman are the most stupidest human-beings to walk this Earth when it comes to judgment about the opposite sex. Some of the smartest girls I know go completely bonkers when they fall for a man! It disgusts me. And to let a guy get in the way of friendship is also a bitch move on their part. Forgive me for being so blunt but I refuse stupidity in my life. I know stupid people and I might hang out with them but I never let their stupidity intervene in my life and cause havoc. If that happens, out the door you go. I have no time for that and I have no time to waste brain cells solving drama that someone else started. Its pointless and not me. If you want things to be fixed, do them yourself because I hate always being the puzzle master in conflicts. If that's your way of life, I want nothing to do with it. Its childish and immature and people really need to grow up. We're adults now and life isn't going to be revolved around "he said she said" bullshit. Learn to out grow your childhood and welcome yourself into the real world. You're in for a real eye opener and it isn't going to come in the prettiest of gifts.

Another thing I've realized this year, as we're on the topic of "relationships" is that, no matter how much someone tells me they like me, I can't like them back. I'm not sure, but I think I discussed this in some other posts as well. I can't put my finger on this problem either. Every time I try to fall for someone, I can't. Its like a mental blockage within my brain. I think it might have to deal with the fact I've been hurt so many times by other people that my brain has sort of put a self-defense mechanism to keep me from liking anyone else. Its sort of annoying and gratifying in the same way. Its annoying in the sense that I feel bad for the other people when I want to like them so much in the same way as they like me, yet I'm grateful because my subconscious is learning from its mistakes and is trying to keep me from getting hurt again. Minimal people have this advantage in their minds, but I'm not sure I like mine yet. I'm scared that when the right person comes along I won't be able to like them back and it will ruin my chances at being the happiest I've ever been in, well, forever! And not to sound self-centered but I think I deserve it. I've been threw so much you have no idea. Roller coasters of emotions. Lead ons. False hopes. It was awful, and I'm ready for someone to take all of that pain away and show me that there's still hope on this god forsaken planet, that I can still love someone and be able to share myself. My thoughts, ideas and theories. My geeky hobbies and interests. Inside jokes. I want all of that, and I'm ready to have it. Its just a matter of if I will ever find someone that fits me perfectly, or at least decently. I guess time will only tell, eh?

To be honest, I've never felt more alone right now than I've ever felt in my entire life.
If you think you can make a difference, feel free to try. x