I just don't want to deal

Lately, I've been feeling so tired just dealing with other people. It doesn't even have to be bad things either. It could just be making plans, figuring out where to eat, talking about things, driving places, spending money, etc. Everything is starting to just become so tiring and overwhelming that I don't want deal with any of it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I love hanging out with them, but the process of doing so is beginning to become too boring and generic. I'm not even sure I'm making sense with what I'm saying about all this. It's almost as if I'm tired of having a social life in a way. I never used to have such a stimulating social life up until the beginning of this year. Maybe the sudden rush of everything is making me feel overwhelmed? I'm not exactly sure. I'm never exactly sure when it comes to my emotions.

I really just want to fly somewhere far far away right now. I really wish we took that trip to the caribbean this winter. I really feel like I need to get away from my life here as soon as possible. I need to cleanse myself somehow of all the impurities that humans have injected me with. I wish there was some way, some how, that I could just sit inside an isolated house somewhere in the north. I'd be away from people and away from the world and away from the black and white life I live here. I could just sit up there and read books by philosophers, artists, aristocrats, and novels written by authors in a time where people use their brains. I would also need some books and pens and paper so I can write about anything that's on my mind. I wouldn't be bored because I'd have books to entire me, and I could always go outside and try to become familiar with nature again. I just want to purify myself from humanity, and I want to work on the relationship I've had with myself for the last 18 years. I need to love myself more and try very hard to keep my mind in a sane stage. I need to keep my emotions and thoughts in check without the influence of humanity messing up what I've built. I can't let everything that's going on around me effect my mind. I'm way too sensitive of a person to run out into the world without a bullet proof vest. It's like throwing a gazelle into a cage with a pack of lions.


Since my fantasy is practically impossible, I guess I might just have to isolate myself at home for a couple days. Just to calm my nerves and what not. I cannot believe something as minuet as just having a more sociable life can render me from feeling such an odd way. Sometimes I feel so small to be effect in such a big way by something that's not that big of a deal in a first place; such small things can effect me in ways that they don't effect other people. It's like I'm hypersensitive to practically everything. I hate it so much, yet I feel like without it I wouldn't be who I am. It's a very difficult feeling to explain to someone "normal" who doesn't have the emotional complexities that I am cursed with. Anyone probably reading this will be like "What the hell is he talking about?" I think I might have to agree with them, too.



Another thing that has been bothering me forever actually, is that fact that I live in a prison cell. My mother is a very controlling person and doesn't let me do things even know I'm practically an adult. I want to be able to go out with my friends late at night or sleep over people's houses. I can't even do any of that because she thinks I'm out and about having sex with anything that walks. I do have many flaws, but I would say that I'm a good son and a good person. I don't do anything bad. I don't smoke, drink, or get bad grades. I'm very nice to my mother, a lot more nicer than my sister is. Why is having my own freedom such an extraordinary task? It's very frustrating, and I envy anyone who does have their own life and are able to do whatever they want when they want. It makes me very sad sometimes that I have to live out this double life and lie my way out of things just so I'll be able to go out and see friends. Is that too much to ask for? I just want my own life. I feel so bad when my friends ask me to come out with them, and I have to explain my situation about not being able to go. It makes me feel like they're irritated by it in some sense. It also makes me feel like a 12 year old. I constantly have to tip toe around my family life in order to have a social life. How I made it this far without going insane? I have no idea. To have an apartment all by myself leaving alone is all I want in life. I want A LIFE.

I really don't think I'm going to be able to have a life unless I get the fuck out of my house. I need to get a job and save money for a down payment on an apartment in Boston where I plan to go for University. This way, I will not be dependent upon my mother for things, and I can fully be my own person. The only problem is that NO ONE IS HIRING. How can I save money when there is no place to get a job? My life is a fucking prison cell.

Give me strength

Frustration.

I feel so frustrated right now, and I do not know why. This sudden outbreak of sadness and depression reminds me of what happens to me during the summer. I feel exactly like the summer. The insomnia, the sadness and the mopey dopy attitude. What has gotten into me? Why do I have these sudden irritate mood changes? I do not think I'm bipolar, because people who are bipolar usually do not know they are. And, I am self-aware. It has to be something to do with my environment I suppose. But, what could it be? I did not do anything out of the ordinary today, nor did I do something that sparked a bad memory of some sorts. Usually, weird circumstances make me experience mood changes. I hate feeling a certain way but being able to put a finger on what exactly is bothering me. It's almost like if there's a striking pain somewhere like when you get a stubbed toe or something, but I cannot seem to find where the pain is coming from. I'm going to attempt to look deep within and try to explain what I'm feeling in the most comprehensive way I can express.

I feel as though, like always, I'm supposed to be somewhere else right now. It's almost as if I have the feeling of missing out on something grand that is happening at this very moment, but I do not know what it is. I feel like I should not be living here. I feel like I should be out of this area right now living my own life and finally being happy. I get so consumed with hatred for the area of New York that I live in that it almost blinds me. The hatred originates from my heart, flows through my bloodstream, and seeps into every muscle, every nerve, every tissue, every organ, and every limb. It makes me want to shut down forever until the nightmare is over, and I'm finally home free. I get so frustrated and agitated that my nerves act up. I have to get up and walk around. I have to do something to calm myself. It's almost as if I'm having a small panic attack. I seriously doubt that this is healthy in anyway. This emotional state makes me feel like a walking corpse. I feel like I have no insides. No heart, no soul, no mind, and no strength. It's so unlike how my regular personality is. There are officially two Robbies; the normal everyday Robbie, and what's left of Robbie when the rest of him is drained dry by humanity.



People also have been frustrating me beyond belief. Almost everyone gets on my nerves. There is always something wrong with someone. No one is ever the way I wish them to be. No one is genuine, interesting or unique. Everyone is just like everyone else. I feel like a broken record saying things like this over and over again, but it's just the plain harsh truth. It kind of sounds wrong for me thinking that everyone needs to come up to my standards and what I expect them to be, but I cannot help it. I'm searching far and wide for anyone that I connect with on any kind of level, but it's just too hard. I feel as though there's some sort of blockage in my mind that has been built up over time from dealing with so many people who have damaged me emotionally. My subconscious is putting up it's own defenses against the outside world. It's protecting my sanity, and I'm truly grateful that it is. But, I wish I had the proper control and judgement to know whether or not someone is good. This might sound like I'm contradicting the ideas in my other post titled "I've become so col", I feel that I am just adding detail to the subject and not stating the opposite. There's only so much a mind can feel at once, and trying to convert emotions into words is not the easiest of tasks. The things you hadn't though of before usually always come back to you later on. I think everyone knows that.

I'm currently thinking about rereading "The Castle of Otranto" by Horace Walpole. It's such an amazing novel. I swear, people who lived back then were incredibly intelligent. It seems that people in this day and age are going backwards. Everyone is getting more stupid and less intellectual. No wonder why they're saying the world might end in 2012.

The world is mine for the taking.

I'm so excited for what my life is going to be like for the future. The process of leaving this horrible country has already begun. I'm looking up where I want to go for University and I've had these colleges in mind: McGill University in Montréal, Dawson College, Boston University, York University in Toronto, and Toronto University. All of these Universities are in Canada except for Boston. I'm most likely not going to be going to McGill soon, because I plan on going there to complete my PhD instead of my Bachelors. But, I'm still not sure. I really want to go to Montréal now and not latter. The idea of living in such a beautiful French speaking city is amazing to me. I wish I could just go now and get everything settled with. I want to get out of this area so badly that it hurts. I literally thing I could feel physical pain by how badly I want out. I need to see the world and experience everything that I can possibly absorb.

I'm so frustrating by how I still live in my parent's house. I'm 18 and I'm not even allowed to do what I want or when I want to do it. I'm convinced that I'm probably not going to be able to have my own life unless i move out. Thankfully that's in about a year. This is my last year at community college and afterwards I'll have my Associates in Liberal Arts. I'm already a portion of the way done with my education (: It's such a good feeling to know that I'm not going back to that college after May. I hate it so much. The facility, the students, the location; everything about it simply horrible. I think they should just receive a degree automatically just for putting up with the college in the first place!



Oh yeah almost forgot! My sister and I are planning on going on holiday some time later this year to PARIS! Can you believe it!? PARIS! One of the most beautiful cities on the planet, and we will be visiting it. I just can't wait to see the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Champs Élysee. It's going to be fantastic. Not to mention, everyone in France is amazingly gorgeous. I might even get lucky (:

Blogs in English and French/Blogs en Anglais et Francais

I am now going to be posting my blogs in England and French, because I'm trying to practice my french in case I do decide to go to University in Montréal. Also, this way people who do speak French and not English can be able to read and understand what I'm saying. I'm really excited about this decision. I think I love other languages more than I love English ahaha!

J'aurai affiché mes blogs en Anglais et Français, parce-que je essayé á pratiquer mon Français au cas où je déciderais aller á l'Université á Montréal. Aussi, les personnes qui parlent Français seulement et pas l'Anglais peuvent á lire et comprendre que je dis. Je suis très excitée sur cette décision. Je pense qu'aime des autres langues plus de j'aime l'Anglais ahaha!

I am alone at a crossroad

I'm so confused and frustrated by the decisions I'm going to have to be making in the coming future. There are just so many things to consider and arrange. It's even harder when you do not have anyone by your side, or anyone that has got your back. I'm all on my own in my next path in life. It has not even happened, and yet, I can already feel it.

I was really considering going to Boston for University. I have even received a pamphlet from them in the mail a couple days ago asking me to visit their campus. My family and I are going there during Spring Break, and I can hardly wait. Boston is such a beautiful city. It's away from New York and away from all the disgusting. The University has every program I'm interested in, and it seems very welcoming and an amazing place to study. Boston itself reminds me of England so much, and that is quite a good thing for someone who has an unhealthy love for all things European.

As always, something else has created hesitation in my decision. I was recently searching about Vancouver Winter Olympics. I started reading about Canada and it's cities. One particular city that stood out to me was Montréal. It reminds me of a slightly more modern version of Paris. It was just so beautiful in the photos I saw and just so clean and refreshing to look at. It was so hard to believe that a place like that could ever be in North America. The more I think about it, the more I feel it is appropriate to call Canada "the Europe of North America."

Along with reading about Canada and Montréal, I started coming across different sections of Wikipedia that discussed Montréal's Anglophone Universities. One University in particular interested me a great deal, and that was McGill University. The way it described McGill was staggering. "A 'prestigious' Canadian School." It immediately drew me in. Education is so important to me and so is becoming extremely successful in life. What better way is there to do it by going to a "prestigious" Canadian University in Montréal? I'll be learning things in Canada while studying in a European environment. My French would improve dramatically since 80% of people living in Montréal speak French. And all their Newspapers, traffic signs, and businesses are all in French. It would be such an amazing experience for someone like me who is already going to be majoring in a language program.

The only problem I have with this conclusion is no family support. It's kind of hard to want to study in a different country when your parents are not supportive of anything you do. My mother was not even that much more supportive when I told her about Boston. I normally do not care about parental approval over my life, but it is nice to have that extra support with what you want to do from your family. I mean, they're supposed to be the people who support you no matter what right? The ones that got your back? Wrong. Not in my family. My family underestimates me to the point where it makes me so sad inside. I normally don't let things they say get to me, but my interests in language and education are a huge part of my life. Having so little support and encouragement for something so significant is an awful feeling. Not to mention the fact that it makes you feel a lot less alone in making decisions. I guess I could do things on my own. It would be very hard and slightly sad, but I'm sure I'll get through it. The only thing my mom really cares about is money. She doesn't even really care what I do in life as long as I'm making a lot of money. Sometimes I really hate the way she thinks. I feel so bad about saying this, but she is one of the most ignorant of people I've ever met in my entire life.

So. I'm back at square one again. I was so happy about my Boston decision because I thought I finally knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted in my life. Now that this new interest in Montréal has come up, I'm back to being indecisive and at a crossroad. And with the lack of support and guidance, the decision as to what I do is going to be immensely difficult. I'm so scared I'll make a wrong turn and end up going in circles and back where I started.

I've become so cold

Throughout this blog, you will have noticed that I talk very frequently about wanting to be in a relationship and my constant reaching out to people in order to try and be with them. Although this has been an important element in my personality for the last couple of years, I find myself, at this point in time, not wanting to be in a relationship

I never really gave too much thought about it when up until about when someone new was coming into my life. We really are very similar people. We have the same interests and have almost the same exact views on life and people, school and friends, relationships and intelligence. It seems that they are exactly what I was looking for. There was only one problem; I don't want to have a relationship with them.

I don't even want to have a sexual relationship with them. Isn't it strange? How suddenly, out of no where, your wants that you've been having for years start to change. It almost as if BECAUSE they are perfect for me, I don't want to be with them. It's a very strange emotion that I've never before experienced in my entire life. It's almost as if my consciousness is contradicting itself, but for no apparent or logical reason. My wants have completely changed. The things I want now in life have switch to wanting to be a relationship to, not meaning to be blunt, just sleeping around and having just sexual relationships with people. The only things that are on my mind right now are school, moving, career, success and having "fun."

My entire perspective on relationships has changed dramatically. My opinion on them as become harsher and more negative. To me, relationships tie people down and imprison them in their own minds. I don't believe in love, nor do I think it even exists. I feel that life is way to short to attach yourself just to one person and not explore. There are 6 billion people on the planet and you just want to be with one person? This, to me, is highly illogical. I mean, I can see the different perspectives of other individuals who might not agree with me, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that the lifestyle is just not for me. I don't want to be with just one person. I don't want to "fall in love." I don't want to go on emotional roller-coasters that serve no purpose what so ever but to inflect pain and emotion discomfort. I can't even deal with simple emotions. How could I ever deal with "love"? How could I ever deal with wanting someone so badly you go into mental shock? Not to be morbid, but I honestly think I would end up killing myself. I am not a person that can deal with anything to do with emotions. Call me weak, call me whatever you think that means; I simply cannot do it.

Also, I am not ignorant to that fact that love can actually be a good thing. I'm not ignorant that it can bring an incredible amount of happiness and joy. However, I am not the one to take a chance with something so emotional and end up getting hurt. I won't take the chance going through a shit load of assholes just to try and find this unique and rare "love." It's not a quest I want to go on. To me, it's just not worth the emotional turmoil. I'm severely protective over my mental health because it's one of the only things in my life that has value. My mental health along with my morals, standards and career path. I will protect over those things like a lioness over her cub. I don't want you in my head. It's only a place for me and for me only. You have no right to go there or to try to get in without my permission. Although, it's not as if anyone can anyways. My wall is made of brick, steel, concrete and is 10 ft thick. I don't even think an Army Tank can penetrate such a wall.

I know what some of you might be thinking out there. "There's so many people on the planet, you can find someone to love" blahblahblah. I, wholeheartedly, disagree. I feel, deep down in the very center of my entire being, that there is NO ONE out there for me. I have met many people in my life time and almost all of there were frightening easy to read and see through. No, I haven't met everyone on the planet, but the more I talk to people the more I figure out that everyone is the same. Everyone thinks the same way. There is no one like me on this planet at all and I am sure of this with every fiber of my existence. Humans, in this day and age, are well below where they should be in intelligence, morals, standards, opinions and intellect. I feel that I am not like other human beings. In order to understand how I contrast myself with others, I will give you an example. If the world was a painting of the ocean with varies different actions happening within in, say for instance, lost of seagulls catching fish in the water or a fisherman bringing in a net filled with Tuna. If I saw this painting in an art gallery, I would look at the whole painting; the birds, the fish, the boat, the fisherman, the wave crashing on the bow of the ship, the clouds in the sky. I feel that other humans would look at just one thing in the picture, or a couple of things, or look at one thing and the look at something else. I look at things as they are. I look at them as a whole. The good and the bad. The best and the worse. The beautiful and the ugly. Other humans just look at the things they want to look at it because they are not intellectually savvy enough to understand the whole picture. I hope you weren't confused by my example, but it was the best way I could word how I feel about the line drawn between me and other people.

I'm not trying to sound egotistical or sound like I think I'm better than everyone else. I'm just trying to explain my feelings with words, when emotions and feelings can hardly be described in them. My point is this, how can I find anyone to love if I feel so disconnected from everyone else? How am I supposed to find someone to connect with, when everyone seems to be how I stated before? Deluded. Ignorant. Uninterested. It hardly seems possible! It's almost pathetic to even try to find someone, and I will never stoop down to being pathetic. A better word to describe it also would be "desperate", which I had been in the past, but I am not now.

I have a theory as too why I have become so emotional cold and stone. I think that I have gone through so many months and years without affection, love, or even just being important in someone else's life (other than my friends and family). All this time that has gone by has made me loose those wants and emotions to the point where now I can no longer feel. The only thing I really feel right now is sexual frustration (which will be taken cared of as soon as I get home {:). That's about it. I also love my work and my interests of course, those could never leave because they are a big part of who I am. But as I said, I have become emotionally barren. My mind is in the process of desertification and I can't say that I hate it. To be honest, I completely love it. I hate dealing with emotions anyways, so why should emotional numbness make me unhappy? I'm actually the happiest I've ever been in years. I love being happy. I love not being able to feel anything but good. I love stoicism. I love what I've become.

This blog entry might seem a little sad to all of you, and you might even feel sorry for me for not being able to feel anymore. But please, don't. I'm finally more content then I'll ever be living in New York, and I probably will be even more happy and content when I move. I'm at a good place, whether you think so or not. You're not me and don't understand my logic. I'll be surprised if you could understand anything in this entry haha!

Life is good. I'm ok.