Everything is beyond complicated

I haven't been writing on this blog in just so long, and I'm upset with myself for not doing so. It helps me so much to get the things that have been bothering me out of my head and onto something where I can read it and make better understanding of it.

So much has happened in my life that I have no idea where to start. From college, to relationships, to my future-everything is all over the place. I guess we'll just start with what is on my mind at the moment, shall we?

I'm stressing about where I'm going to study after college here in the states. I really want to study in Europe, England to be exact, but the process of doing so is so stressful. I'm going to apply to the University of Sheffield, University of Leeds, and University College of London. That way, if I don't get accepted to one, I'll be able to have a chance of getting accepted to another. I put the course of either "Linguistics" "Linguistics and Philosophy" or "Linguistics and Phonetics." I really hope I do get accepted to one these Universities because then I'll have to earn my undergraduate in the U.S; something I really DON'T want to do. But if it comes down to that horrible ordeal, I guess I could always have the option of getting my PhD somewhere outside the US. I really hope everything goes as planned, even though I know sometimes life almost never turns out the way you plan it out to be. Speaking of things not turning out the way you want them to be...

I've found myself torn within my own mind when it comes to, and I cringed upon pronouncing the word out loud, relationships. It's come to the point where one side of me longs for wanting someone to cuddle with at night while watching a movie, going out to the movies, having lunch with each other randomly during the week, and just being happy with someone. The other part of myself, the most realistic and logical part, is yelling at me. It constantly tells me that there's no such thing as love, that there's no point in having a relationship because it all just ends in shit anyways. That I don't need anyone because I'm better than that. That I'm going to end up alone anyways because no one could ever possibly like or even love someone like me. And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying to make people feel sorry for me or any other crap like that. I truly feel it in my soul that no one could ever find an interest in me because, basically, I'm not interesting. I like language, and I spend my free time learning grammar and other "boring" things of that nature that humans have ignorantly labeled as. If someone is interested in me, they only want to get into my pants. What's even more disturbing is that I feel like I have to do sexual things with them in order for them to notice me or even just like me. It's kind of sad in a way. I know it's not a good thing to feel this way. But what can I do? It does work, and I do get that slight bit of closeness with someone that I crave. Not TOO MUCH harm done, right..?

It seems that these both sides of my head are constantly playing tug-o-war with my actions and responses to the outside world. Which side do I choose? Does it really even matter? Does anything matter anymore? What's more important in life? Being happy with someone else? Or being happy by yourself?

It doesn't help either that I've been meeting people left and right who try and flatter me with compliments. It confuses me so much. What do these people want with me? Surely I'm just another "piece of ass." Right? But, others have expressed sincerity in the way they talk to me. They seem to want to really get to know me. The only problem is the whole process of getting to know someone. That's another thing that I'm just tired of going through. First you meet them online, then you exchange numbers for texting, then you call each other and talk once and a while, and then you finally meet in person. It's just tiring, boring, and I'm through with it. It almost seems to not be worth it anymore. I'm gone through this whole ordeal way too many times to just hit a dead end 9 out of 10 times. Everything is beginning to bore me. People are beginning to bore me.

So in a way, the part of me that says "the hell with relationships" is winning the epic fight. It shouts and argues and pushes it's opinions onto my existence. The other side is weaker-more prone to infection. It's sensitive and longing. Lonely and curious. Hopeful and faithful. Depressed and forgotten. Suppressed and oppressed. It's the part of me that I bury deep within my existence for the sake of my own sanity. Because if I let this side run free, I'd be a wreck. I'd be constantly depressed, unhappy, crying all the time, a push over, a longer, and a person who's easily overlooked. It makes me weak and more vulnerable. Even when I suppress this part of my consciousness (at least that part that I can control), I still have symptoms of it in my "strong" persona. It bubbles up every now and then, and I have to bury it back down deep within me again. I know that this isn't a healthy thing to be doing, but it's the only way I can get on with my life acting somewhat "normal" and not a crazy overemotional teenager. It's how I've come this far in life without breaking down, ending up in a mental hospital, or becoming victim to someone's mind games.

Everything is beyond complicated. I just hope everything works out in the end and that I'm at least sane when all the hecticness is over.

I really don't know anymore

Bodies disengage, our mouths are fleshing over.

Is this an echo game?
Irises retreating to ovals of white.

The urge to feel your face, and blood rushing to paint my handprint.

A Frisbee one by one;

Your vinyl on lamanent

Desperate for some kind of contact



I'm loosing the connection between me and my inner self. I don't know what's going on anymore. Who have I become? What am I doing? What has gotten into me?




I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I've been doing things that I never dreamed I would be doing a year ago or even a couple months ago. My life has completely shifted from what it was before. I only had my books, thoughts, and ideas for friends. I only went out when it was urgent. I only kissed people I knew for a long time. Everything is changing. I don't know if it's for the worse or the best. I'm not so sure that I want to become someone like this though. It doesn't feel like me at all. I feel pressured into doing these things, and I feel as though it's sucking the life out of me in a way. I can't sleep. I can't feel. I just am. I looked in the mirror today and saw the life leave my eyes for the very first time. It's almost like these experiences are hollowing me out. There is a very distinct empty feeling, almost a feeling of being a low person. My head hurts from thinking, my emotions are being caged my inner being so I don't go crazy. Even now, while sitting in this library, I feel like a lifeless sack of nothing. My eyes are droopy, my head is stuffy, my vision is foggy, and it's not because I'm getting ill either.

I guess life is all about finding yourself and this is just one of the steps I'm going to have to take on the path. It's such a confusing time and a very blank time. It's almost like I can choose who I want to be now and it will forever determine who I am to be as a person. The things I find myself doing at this time do not feel like me in a sense, yet they do. Maybe it's just a small part of myself that is coming out? Just a small part that hasn't had it's moment to shine and be acted upon? It's a possibility, but I'll never be able to know for sure. I just wish the feeling of myself would come back already. It's in the past now and not happening at this very moment, yet I still feel dead inside. I feel so pressured to be this new person because it's generally the stereotype. It's not me at all, but it's almost as if I don't adhere to it then I will forever be left alone. Untouched and barren. It's as if conformity is the only way I'll be able to be with someone, because face it; no one out there is my definition of perfect. I'll probably never meet them. I'll probably never have a monogamous relationship with someone. It's just inevitable for my future. I can feel it already and it hasn't even happen yet. I just wish there was someone there, just a friend, who can lift the spirit in me back up again. I hate feeling this way. I feel like a cum rag.

I'm just hoping things will get semi-back to normal soon. I'm happy that I'm going to Boston next week. It will be an amazing feeling to get out of this area for a day or two. I just need to get out. I wish there was someone I could talk to that will just listen to me and try not to make everything about the or about something else. I really think I should see a psychologist :l

I just don't want to deal

Lately, I've been feeling so tired just dealing with other people. It doesn't even have to be bad things either. It could just be making plans, figuring out where to eat, talking about things, driving places, spending money, etc. Everything is starting to just become so tiring and overwhelming that I don't want deal with any of it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I love hanging out with them, but the process of doing so is beginning to become too boring and generic. I'm not even sure I'm making sense with what I'm saying about all this. It's almost as if I'm tired of having a social life in a way. I never used to have such a stimulating social life up until the beginning of this year. Maybe the sudden rush of everything is making me feel overwhelmed? I'm not exactly sure. I'm never exactly sure when it comes to my emotions.

I really just want to fly somewhere far far away right now. I really wish we took that trip to the caribbean this winter. I really feel like I need to get away from my life here as soon as possible. I need to cleanse myself somehow of all the impurities that humans have injected me with. I wish there was some way, some how, that I could just sit inside an isolated house somewhere in the north. I'd be away from people and away from the world and away from the black and white life I live here. I could just sit up there and read books by philosophers, artists, aristocrats, and novels written by authors in a time where people use their brains. I would also need some books and pens and paper so I can write about anything that's on my mind. I wouldn't be bored because I'd have books to entire me, and I could always go outside and try to become familiar with nature again. I just want to purify myself from humanity, and I want to work on the relationship I've had with myself for the last 18 years. I need to love myself more and try very hard to keep my mind in a sane stage. I need to keep my emotions and thoughts in check without the influence of humanity messing up what I've built. I can't let everything that's going on around me effect my mind. I'm way too sensitive of a person to run out into the world without a bullet proof vest. It's like throwing a gazelle into a cage with a pack of lions.


Since my fantasy is practically impossible, I guess I might just have to isolate myself at home for a couple days. Just to calm my nerves and what not. I cannot believe something as minuet as just having a more sociable life can render me from feeling such an odd way. Sometimes I feel so small to be effect in such a big way by something that's not that big of a deal in a first place; such small things can effect me in ways that they don't effect other people. It's like I'm hypersensitive to practically everything. I hate it so much, yet I feel like without it I wouldn't be who I am. It's a very difficult feeling to explain to someone "normal" who doesn't have the emotional complexities that I am cursed with. Anyone probably reading this will be like "What the hell is he talking about?" I think I might have to agree with them, too.



Another thing that has been bothering me forever actually, is that fact that I live in a prison cell. My mother is a very controlling person and doesn't let me do things even know I'm practically an adult. I want to be able to go out with my friends late at night or sleep over people's houses. I can't even do any of that because she thinks I'm out and about having sex with anything that walks. I do have many flaws, but I would say that I'm a good son and a good person. I don't do anything bad. I don't smoke, drink, or get bad grades. I'm very nice to my mother, a lot more nicer than my sister is. Why is having my own freedom such an extraordinary task? It's very frustrating, and I envy anyone who does have their own life and are able to do whatever they want when they want. It makes me very sad sometimes that I have to live out this double life and lie my way out of things just so I'll be able to go out and see friends. Is that too much to ask for? I just want my own life. I feel so bad when my friends ask me to come out with them, and I have to explain my situation about not being able to go. It makes me feel like they're irritated by it in some sense. It also makes me feel like a 12 year old. I constantly have to tip toe around my family life in order to have a social life. How I made it this far without going insane? I have no idea. To have an apartment all by myself leaving alone is all I want in life. I want A LIFE.

I really don't think I'm going to be able to have a life unless I get the fuck out of my house. I need to get a job and save money for a down payment on an apartment in Boston where I plan to go for University. This way, I will not be dependent upon my mother for things, and I can fully be my own person. The only problem is that NO ONE IS HIRING. How can I save money when there is no place to get a job? My life is a fucking prison cell.

Give me strength

Frustration.

I feel so frustrated right now, and I do not know why. This sudden outbreak of sadness and depression reminds me of what happens to me during the summer. I feel exactly like the summer. The insomnia, the sadness and the mopey dopy attitude. What has gotten into me? Why do I have these sudden irritate mood changes? I do not think I'm bipolar, because people who are bipolar usually do not know they are. And, I am self-aware. It has to be something to do with my environment I suppose. But, what could it be? I did not do anything out of the ordinary today, nor did I do something that sparked a bad memory of some sorts. Usually, weird circumstances make me experience mood changes. I hate feeling a certain way but being able to put a finger on what exactly is bothering me. It's almost like if there's a striking pain somewhere like when you get a stubbed toe or something, but I cannot seem to find where the pain is coming from. I'm going to attempt to look deep within and try to explain what I'm feeling in the most comprehensive way I can express.

I feel as though, like always, I'm supposed to be somewhere else right now. It's almost as if I have the feeling of missing out on something grand that is happening at this very moment, but I do not know what it is. I feel like I should not be living here. I feel like I should be out of this area right now living my own life and finally being happy. I get so consumed with hatred for the area of New York that I live in that it almost blinds me. The hatred originates from my heart, flows through my bloodstream, and seeps into every muscle, every nerve, every tissue, every organ, and every limb. It makes me want to shut down forever until the nightmare is over, and I'm finally home free. I get so frustrated and agitated that my nerves act up. I have to get up and walk around. I have to do something to calm myself. It's almost as if I'm having a small panic attack. I seriously doubt that this is healthy in anyway. This emotional state makes me feel like a walking corpse. I feel like I have no insides. No heart, no soul, no mind, and no strength. It's so unlike how my regular personality is. There are officially two Robbies; the normal everyday Robbie, and what's left of Robbie when the rest of him is drained dry by humanity.



People also have been frustrating me beyond belief. Almost everyone gets on my nerves. There is always something wrong with someone. No one is ever the way I wish them to be. No one is genuine, interesting or unique. Everyone is just like everyone else. I feel like a broken record saying things like this over and over again, but it's just the plain harsh truth. It kind of sounds wrong for me thinking that everyone needs to come up to my standards and what I expect them to be, but I cannot help it. I'm searching far and wide for anyone that I connect with on any kind of level, but it's just too hard. I feel as though there's some sort of blockage in my mind that has been built up over time from dealing with so many people who have damaged me emotionally. My subconscious is putting up it's own defenses against the outside world. It's protecting my sanity, and I'm truly grateful that it is. But, I wish I had the proper control and judgement to know whether or not someone is good. This might sound like I'm contradicting the ideas in my other post titled "I've become so col", I feel that I am just adding detail to the subject and not stating the opposite. There's only so much a mind can feel at once, and trying to convert emotions into words is not the easiest of tasks. The things you hadn't though of before usually always come back to you later on. I think everyone knows that.

I'm currently thinking about rereading "The Castle of Otranto" by Horace Walpole. It's such an amazing novel. I swear, people who lived back then were incredibly intelligent. It seems that people in this day and age are going backwards. Everyone is getting more stupid and less intellectual. No wonder why they're saying the world might end in 2012.

The world is mine for the taking.

I'm so excited for what my life is going to be like for the future. The process of leaving this horrible country has already begun. I'm looking up where I want to go for University and I've had these colleges in mind: McGill University in Montréal, Dawson College, Boston University, York University in Toronto, and Toronto University. All of these Universities are in Canada except for Boston. I'm most likely not going to be going to McGill soon, because I plan on going there to complete my PhD instead of my Bachelors. But, I'm still not sure. I really want to go to Montréal now and not latter. The idea of living in such a beautiful French speaking city is amazing to me. I wish I could just go now and get everything settled with. I want to get out of this area so badly that it hurts. I literally thing I could feel physical pain by how badly I want out. I need to see the world and experience everything that I can possibly absorb.

I'm so frustrating by how I still live in my parent's house. I'm 18 and I'm not even allowed to do what I want or when I want to do it. I'm convinced that I'm probably not going to be able to have my own life unless i move out. Thankfully that's in about a year. This is my last year at community college and afterwards I'll have my Associates in Liberal Arts. I'm already a portion of the way done with my education (: It's such a good feeling to know that I'm not going back to that college after May. I hate it so much. The facility, the students, the location; everything about it simply horrible. I think they should just receive a degree automatically just for putting up with the college in the first place!



Oh yeah almost forgot! My sister and I are planning on going on holiday some time later this year to PARIS! Can you believe it!? PARIS! One of the most beautiful cities on the planet, and we will be visiting it. I just can't wait to see the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Champs Élysee. It's going to be fantastic. Not to mention, everyone in France is amazingly gorgeous. I might even get lucky (:

Blogs in English and French/Blogs en Anglais et Francais

I am now going to be posting my blogs in England and French, because I'm trying to practice my french in case I do decide to go to University in Montréal. Also, this way people who do speak French and not English can be able to read and understand what I'm saying. I'm really excited about this decision. I think I love other languages more than I love English ahaha!

J'aurai affiché mes blogs en Anglais et Français, parce-que je essayé á pratiquer mon Français au cas où je déciderais aller á l'Université á Montréal. Aussi, les personnes qui parlent Français seulement et pas l'Anglais peuvent á lire et comprendre que je dis. Je suis très excitée sur cette décision. Je pense qu'aime des autres langues plus de j'aime l'Anglais ahaha!