My Sister's Graduation

Today was my little sister's graduation ceremony. Although I'm happy to welcome her into the "real" world now, the entire process of it left me in the worse mood...ever.

Why you say? Well, because I had to go to my old High School again. I hated High School. It wasn't as bad as Middle School, but it is still pretty high up there on my lists of things that I hate. Just being in that same atmosphere that surrounded me constantly almost a year ago made me want to explode. The familiar faces, the same all-American white families, the stereotypical cliques...everything was right there waiting for me again; staring at me with it's ugly little disgusting eyes. It was almost like the entire situation was saying "I'm back" at me with the most cunning grin ever. I hate everything about that. I hate the stereotypical High School with it's jocks, preps, druggies, punks, goths, emos, nerds, geeks, and losers. Usually you only find High Schools like that in movies or TV shows where they exaggerate everything to make it more dramatic and entertaining. But my High School WAS that type of exaggeration.

Even in my sister's senior video, all the sport oriented, popular, well-known kids had the most pictures put up. There were none of the less known kids, the smart kids, or the kids that weren't really losers, but weren't well-known either. It was just appalling to me. It brought back so many buried hatred that I had while I attended the school, but it was worse this time because they were all coming back to me at the same time. I just have so much opinion against these types of communities that develop among human beings. It doesn't just have to be at a school. It could be anywhere that involves social stratification.

Another thing that really makes my High School even worse is the small-town mind set that everyone has. The school only had around 1000 kids. Everyone's parents knew each other, either through family means or friends. Everyone went to the same all-white Catholic Church on Sunday. If something significant happened to a student at school, of course it was everyone's business because everyone knew each other. There was no privacy or room to breathe. It was either stay private with everything in your life, or open up your soul for everyone to view, pick at, and mutilate.

I think I was one of the only students who really kept their life on the down-low. Most of my friends weren't popular, or well-known. We generally kept to ourselves and usually made fun of everyone else for their cliché ways. I guess you could say, in a way, that we all thought we were much better than Marlboro Central High School. We didn't feel the need to conform and do what everyone else was doing. We didn't feeling the need to get attention for dumb-headed, narrow-minded children. We did our own thing; liked whatever we liked, said whatever we said, and did what we wanted to did. Now that I think about it, I have so much respect for myself in that aspect of my life, and so much respect for my small group of High School friends. I'm proud of us for not becoming "one of them." I'm proud of us for being different in every way possible, since that is generally a good thing in my head to be. I'm just glad we weren't sucked into the hype. We stood as individuals, and it wasn't an intentional thing to do. I think it's of utmost importance that someone is their own unique individual, especially in a toxic environment such as my old High School.

And you know why I think we were this way? Because we were smarter. We weren't nerds, or geeks, we were just aware. We didn't have our heads in the clouds, unless it involved doing something creative such as Art, Advertising, or Photography class. We liked to read, discuss stories, go to museums, and come up with out own ideas and opinions about everything. In a way, I believe, we were much more mature in a logical sense. Not so mature that we didn't know how to have fun, but mature in a healthy way; in a way that was perfect for our age group. I think our maturity and intelligence helped see our way out of the mist that was the stereotypical High School hype. We were able to see beyond all of that poisonous infection and survive it with who we truly are, and not what our school life tried to make us be.

Now I know you might be thinking that I'm just saying all this because I was some type of loser who had no friends and blah blah blah. I really wasn't. In the beginning of my High School career, I WAS in a dark stage of my life...literally. I wore dark clothing, and listened to a lot of Heavy Metal music. But, that ship quickly sailed, and I changed my entire outlook on life drastically. I started dressing in a lot more fashionable clothing. I spent $300 on sunglasses, $80 on skinny jeans, and $50 on shirts. I went into Manhattan to go shopping a lot because I would only wear high-fashion labels; Dior, Diesel, Topman, Gucci, Dolce and Gabbana - you name it! I still do, actually, so I was, in no way, a "loner." I was just an individual. And if you think that just because someone doesn't buy into the hype of what everyone else is doing, or because they're different, then shame on you. You won't get anywhere in life with such a narrow and ignorant view point.

Now that I'm done with my little rant, I just want to talk about this overwhelming feeling I got after the graduation. I just had a really strong feeling to get on the next plane leaving the country, and just fly and keep flying so that I was as far away from this place as I can get on Earth. I felt that old feeling I used to get whilst being in High School, and that was severe isolation. It felt almost as if I was trapped in High School while I was there, and those same old feelings were starting to uproot once again. The feeling is so powerful that I feel like taking off in my car right now. It's almost as if I HAVE to get far away in order to cleanse myself of this disgusting feeling of isolation. It was as if I needed to cleanse myself of this High School slobber.

But I shouldn't worry too much about getting away because, well, it's going to happen in my life anyways. I am going to travel the world. I am going to live in Europe. I am going to get a good education. I am going be happy. I don't think there's a thing in the world that can stop me. I'll leave this place and all it's evil behind me. There's such a big, vast, beautiful world out there for me to see. I'll get out and make the most out of my life. I feel like that's why I was born. I was born to get out, live, see the world, experience, teach, love, and experience all that Earth has to offer. This temporary stench of High School will leave my presence soon, and then I can go on to living in the real world. I'm never going back to that place, and I couldn't be more grateful not to.

The real world is so much better than grade-school, despite what most adults will say. I'm a prime example of that.

Changes, Changes, Changes..

Wow! So much has happened since the last time I've written on here. I guess I'll just come out and say what's going on. No need to beat around the bush (;

Something I'm beginning to realize is that my life is completely and wholeheartedly unpredictable. I would never think that I'd be doing and upholding the current decisions I'm making in my life a couple of months ago. Now that I think about it, it's been this way throughout my entire life. I try to look back, months ago, and remember what I thought about doing and how I thought things we're going to turn out in the present. TOTAL unpredictability! I guess it's just a part of what life is all about. It's unpredictable and completely unexplainable. You can never plan out your life down to each specific event, circumstance or decision. I know that now more than ever. It kind of makes me nervous, though. I really do plan on moving to Europe in the near future, so since I've been planning this for well over a couple of years now, I wonder if it really is ever going to happen? :| I'll hope for the best, but like I've been saying before, life = unpredictable. I could be thinking about moving to England right now and then all of a sudden, next month I could have immigrated to Japan for all I know!

You must be thinking "how does this tie into anything?" But I assure you, it has A LOT to do with what I'm going to be talking about throughout this blog post!

I guess I'll start with what has been going on recently. I FINALLY switched colleges! Instead of going to college, in the woods, an hour away, I'm going to be going to a more local college. It's going to save me so much time, money, and gas! Plus, the campus is a lot better than the college I've previously have been attending, and I have a hell of a lot more friends going to this college. Today I went there to go take my sister to take her placement test, and I conversed with more people in a single day than I've conversed with people for an entire semester at my old college! It's really THAT big of a difference! I think it has a lot to do with the location of the college as well as the type of people who attend it. It's in an urban area, whilst my older college was, literally, in the middle of the words; at least a half-hour away from any type of metropolitan area. But I don't want to diddy-daddle on and on about college. I just have a bright future outlook at the coming year of attending there. I don't want to get my hopes TOO high, but I can't help to be optimistic. I'm usually such a pessimistic person, I need to be more positive and optimistic once in a while. It's a lot more healthy to think positively than negatively anyways.

Thinking positively seems to be a new kind of trait that I've established within myself these past months. I don't know how I've done it, but I've seem to be able, now, to control exactly the way I feel about practically anything. Things that used to upset me before, get brushed out of my head with a simple shake. Feelings are easily suppressed and left in the dark, buried, unable to come out into the light ever again. It's almost like I've created some type of oppression phenomenon inside my head. Logic has become some type of dictator; telling me what I'm allowed to feel, and what I'm not allowed to feel. Actually, a more accurate way to put it would be that logic is telling my emotions when they're allowed to show their faces, and when they're not. I haven't had any of my weird mood swings in a very long time, even if I've been inside the house all day (which usually is the cause of my weird mood behaviors). I haven't been randomly depressed for no reason. A lot of people might be reading this and think that what I'm feeling definitely isn't healthy. But I'm actually really happy about it. It's really helping me overcome the obstacles I was facing before when my emotions got the best of me. I'm becoming a lot less socially awkward, and I'm able to talk with a lot more people with ease. For some reason, I really enjoy the feeling of being emotionally dead on the inside. It's so peaceful to just not feel anything. I only allow myself good emotions, the bad ones stayed locked up in a chest deep in the dark ocean that is my existence. Where this new found control came from? I have no idea. I'm wondering if it's because I've been taking Fish Oil pills for quite some time now, and I read that they're good for stabilizing moods and emotions as well as being good for your overall health. When I first started taking them, everything was like it was before. But maybe since it's not built up in my system over time, I'm starting to feel more of the effects from taking them. Not that I'm complaining, but I'm just trying to figure out where this control is coming from. It seems to have sprang up out of no where. I had no significant events happen in my life for me to undergo this radical change, nor did I try to do anything to help control my emotions. It's like it simply evolved into what it is right now. I'm wondering if maybe it's a bi-product of me just getting older and maturing. Ah well, who knows. Maybe just talking about where it's coming from might jinx me and this new found euphoria will disappear. :S

Love life department is still the same as it's always been; an empty dark room in a busy office building. Not that I care about it any more, really, but now it's just starting to irritate me rather than make me sad or depressed. I know I'm probably going to sound like some sort of attention-seeking, spoiled, complaining little girl by saying this, but I honestly feel as if I'm literally not allowed to be happy. It's as almost the world and the universe deliberately try to make things not work out the way I want them to work out when it comes to having romantic relationships with other people. I'm not feeling sorry for myself in anyway, it's just how I wholeheartedly feel about the situation. It also seems a bit arrogant to think that the world is out to get silly ol' little me, but I just can't help feeling so strongly about something like this. Maybe it's not the Universe or even the world that's out to get me, but it's like my own fate wills itself to make outcomes that go against the pathways of my life that will truly make me happy. I've been in situations where everything is going about perfectly for months and months, but then suddenly, when things are starting to get a little more serious (I mean like, besides flirting via text and internet) things completely change and everything that I've worked on gets flushed down the toilet. Things in my life are apparently not allowed to go in directions that make me the happiest. Why? I haven't the slightest idea.

Regardless of that random little rant, I honestly can care less about things like that in my life right now. Everything else seems a lot more exciting to me than being close with someone else. My new found dead heart is doing me some good for a change. Keeping my mind at peace, and my pants at bay (;

I'm caring a lot more about schooling at the moment. Each day brings me closer to seeing a clearer path to my future. It gives me ease knowing that I'm coming closer to where I'm going in life. I'm really looking forward to seeing Boston this summer and visiting some of the colleges there! I really don't want to end up in the City, honestly. I feel like I've I go there, somehow it's a symbolic representation of me never being able to get out and leave New York. So...I really don't want to do that! New York is such a bad state to live in as well. If I have the opportunity to get out and do what I want, I'm going to take every option that's handed to me.

I think that's all for the current updates so far. I'll try to write a lot more, especially when significant things happen in my life. Such important dates MUST be kept on record!

Until then, peace, love, & vodka.<3